Hello!

17 Answers

I am a step mum.
I have known my step daughter since she was 3 and been her stepmum since she was 5.
Little miss is now 8
Her biological mum has not been there for her a day in her life. She abused little miss as a baby as well.
Last time we drove 5 hours to visit, “biological mum” kicked everyone out within 10 minutes (thats not an exaggeration).
6 months later we get a phone call “biomum” wants another visit and has a Christmas present for little miss (last present was a box of hello kitty bikkies and a ribena poppa that little miss hates)
So hubby decides we will visit again and that little miss should get her a present as well, at first it was going to be something small and cheap, next second we are at the damn jewelers!!
Little miss points out some braclets, anklets and love heart necklaces. Hubby gets the love heart necklace, the mother daughter matching heart necklace!!
We are on a tight budget so a $40 necklace is not cheap and i am fuming! What has biomum ever done to deserve that! She is not a mother! Hubby and i have had many conversations about giving birth meaning nothing and that you dobt get some magical connection and that needs to be earned.
So my question is am I overreacting or out of line?
I am upset beyond words by this. I actually feel betrayed.
What do you think?


Posted anonymously, 14th December 2015


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  • A tough one for you. Your husband and your steph daughter live & share life and love with you. He doesn’t live with her and sees the damage she has done and is doing. But she and always will be the biological mum of his daughter. Maybe this is his way to honour and respect her, a way to show compassion, or a way to even bless his daughter so she can give a beautiful gift ?
    I would advise you just to relax in this, it’s good to be kind, even to those we don’t love/hate.


  • I’d be a little hurt yes, but you know you’re the one creating the happy loving memories, and down the track the one she will love and confine in and laugh with


  • Nas01, there is no mention of the Stepmother having legally adopted her step- daughter.
    During a calm conversation you may like to mention that part of the money could have been spent on his daughter. Also, if you think she is only “trying to buy the child’s love” he needs to realise that if Christmas is the only time she communicates at all. Does Miss 8 ever ask to see her at all?. Were you tipped out again after only after a short time? Could it be because she resents you being there?. Maybe if she asks to see Miss 8 again she should do the travelling and the meeting should be in a mutual place or she does what another Mum I know about does – posts the present.


  • Some men have no idea of how much money things cost and what is an appropriate value present. Perhaps your husband is one of them. Explain to him how much you are spending on presents for people like your immediate family etc. He may then be able to see what is an appropriate amount to spend.


  • maybe he wanted to make the bio mum realise what she is missing out on! i can see why you would be hurt by that though!


  • I suppose your husband is probably trying to keep the peace and keep a good relationship for the sake of the child. Hard one though as i think i’d be a bit upset too :(


  • Try to think of it as a payment for a litte bit of peace for a while for you and your family. Yes she isnt a good mum but she has you and dad(who is there for her there everyday). you and hubby are the ones that do the school run, interviews, school plays sports etc. The real parent to the child…. When she is old enough in a few years she will see her mum for the person she is. But at that age she is still to young to get it. I agree money is tight at this time of year with the holidays and all… My sister has the same issues with a couple of foster kids she has… They always come home broken hearted and she has to repair the damage with out putting the mum down..( making excuses why mum didnt turn up to the meeting) Its a fine line between whats right and wrong.


  • its tough, and I get your point. Maybe something homemade from her daughter would have been more appropriate and also personally I would much rather have a gift where there was a lot of love put into making it like a decorated photo frame by her daughter with a photo of her in it so overtime she sees it it reminds her of her daughter. You do need to talk to your husband about how you feel and even though he may not see your point sometimes it is better that people know how you feel and you get it off your chest rather than it ruining your christmas or worse still your relationship with your husband and daughter. Good luck.


  • I think the gift that was purchased was a bit much but I can understand the possible reasoning behind it. Biomum isn’t doing much to nurture the relationship with her daughter but Miss 8 is making an effort with your husbands encouragement and I think this may be to prevent any feelings of guilt on Miss 8’s behalf down the track. In 5 or 10 years time Miss 8 can’t wonder if it was anything she did that made her mother not want a relationship with her.


  • wow this is a hard one to answer –

    Firstly I can totally understand why you feel this way – hurt, betrayed, etc I think it is good that you feel these feelings because it shows deep down how much you care for little miss.

    On the flip side I can also understand why hubby might be encouraging this relationship with biomum. He probably feels that it is his duty to make sure that biomum and little miss have a relationship while little miss is younger (when biomum trys!) and will probably leave the decision up to little miss when she is old enough to make her own decision about if she wants to continue any sort of relationship/interaction with her biomum.

    I feel for you though, it would be heartbreakingly sad to see such a nice gift given when it seems so undeserved. I am sure that your hubby and little miss will have something much more wonderful for organised for christmas.

    I think the best way to deal with this is to calmly air your issues with hubby and then let him offer his reasoning behind why he chose/encouraged the gift that they did. There may be some sane reasoning behind it that you dont see?

    The next thing is to stay true to yourself, continue to love and cherish and nuture that little miss like she was your own as you have been doing – good will overcome bad everytime, sometimes it just takes a while for this to happen.

    I wish your family lots of happy christmas wishes and I hope that there is a happy outcome for you x


  • I understand your feelings, but I suspect your husband was thinking about how your DAUGHTER feels about it. He probably wants her to feel that she did her best to form a relationship. Maybe calm down a bit and then talk to him to avoid a repeat.


  • I’d hate to say it but betrayed. Perhaps a very good long discussion with hubby about how you feel about it all so he is well aware. As an outsider not knowing the in’s and out’s of it all I would also recommend that you get to a happy place about biomum and the role she is wanting to play in your step daughters life otherwise I don’t see a very happy ending for any of you.


  • I don’t think your over reacting at all. I think it takes a big person to fill the shoes of a parent and to love another’s child like their own and to watch that child dote over a person who’s not even in their life must hurt real bad.


  • I think you’re overreacting. Think of it this way – Not all mothers are good mothers, and if this woman had not given birth and been a bad mother, you would not have had the opportunity and privilege of being a proper mother to this little girl. Think of the necklace as a thank you gift to this woman because without her you wouldn’t have little Miss in your life.


  • It is understandable in your situation as it is so easy to start building up resentment especially when there are mixed families. My brother’s second wife is having a hard time trying to accept my nephews personality and some money issues so not good vibes amongst them . The hardest part is finding a mutual agreement so obviously your hub thinks that it is important that your stepdaughter bonds with her biological mother which is understandable too and in this case money is not an issue to him . Do you think there is any way you can talk to him how you feel and make some sort of agreement for the future . eg put a strict budget on spending because you don’t want to feel less advantaged . ( don’t say I hate etc because he will take it the wrong way ). I worked out that sometimes tact and being impartial works well then being too direct so no feelings are hurt and that we have the right to live our own lives. Good luck .


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