22 Answers

I gave birth to my 6th child 7 months ago, and have just recently gone through a miscarriage 3 weeks ago I was 10 weeks pregnant. I am not happy with my body appearance I know I have a lot of work to do, but I have noticed my husband doesn’t look at me either anymore, he prefers to sleep in the kids room then in our bed and wont even come into the shower with me like he used to. He gets sent nude pictures of women with big boobs ( I am a B cup) and he comments “Nice Tits”. This makes me feel really insecure about my body even more, and I don’t know what to do. Do I talk to him, but when I do he just replies “yes I like you the way you are”. am I being insecure about our relationship and am I making more of this then what it really is? I know my body is ready to start having sex again but how can I when he is showing signs of not being interested. Do I need to spice things up? maybe watch porn together? Im so confused right now

Posted by mom478814, 15th June 2021

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  • There is so much to unpack in this.
    Firstly I am so sorry for your loss.
    Secondly, he is processing this loss as well.
    Thirdly, if he is being sent nudes, that is not ok.

  • I’m so sorry for your loss, and feeling distant from your partner. I experienced a pregnancy loss a few years ago, and found my partner distanced himself as well, which made me feel worse because I was already upset that i felt my body had let me down, and it felt reinforced by his actions as well. The best thing I can recommend is that you speak to someone and get professional help. Pregnancy loss is awful to experience and it’s ok to not be ok afterwards. Give yourself permission to mourn and get the help you need. It’s also important to share with your partner the way that their actions make you feel, not to fight but so they are aware. If they don’t respond helpfully, couples therapy would help you to communicate together to overcome this.
    And make sure you make time for yourself as well! Do things that you enjoy that make you feel good, whether it’s going for a walk, getting your nails done, buying clothes that make you feel good, or buying your favourite tea! Whatever it is, take time for self care and remind yourself that you’re important and you are beautiful!

  • I’m sorry for your loss. That must have been awful for both of you. Your body has been through a lot recently. I’d focus on your healing and processing your miscarriage first and foremost.
    Your husband’s distancing himself could be that he needs time to process the loss. It could be that he’s concerned with your health, or that he doesn’t want to risk another pregnancy yet. It’s probably worth discussing if he wants any more children and if this is a contributing factor. It’s worth speaking with your GP or health service about counselling. You both may need help processing what happened. But you also need to talk to your husband as well.
    The fact he’s getting messages of other women’s breasts isn’t great. But I get that some men share this stuff. I’m assuming he’s always done this? Is it possible he has a porn addiction? It’s inappropriate that he’s commenting on these in front of you. Especially if he knows it’s upsetting you. It’s it’s affecting your mental health and your marriage, it needs to be addressed.

  • I’d just be open and honest with him, explain that you are feeling body conscious and you don’t understand why he isn’t making an effort to sleep in your bed so the two of you can be intimate. Maybe he is just trying to not rush you after the miscarriage, best way to find out is to have an open honest convo about it, when the kids aren’t there to distract.
    Wishing you all the best

  • Why on earth is he receiving pictures of other womens breasts? I’m sorry to even say this but with him sleeping in another room and getting sent these photos, could he possibly be having an affair? I would say it’s definitely not you and the problem is him. You are seriously amazing and a super mum.

  • Could it be possible he’s sleeping in another room because he is mourning the child you lost and it’s his only way of coping. If it’s at all possible get someone to look after your children for the night and just talk about what’s going on, and get to the bottom of the situation. It might be that he doesn’t want you to go through the situation again and he’s not sure what to do. Please talk together before things go too far.

  • Don’t be harsh on yourself, you body has created miracles and you’re grieving a loss. Just take time for you to heal and when you are ready confront him about everything. He is your husband after all, you should be comfortable talking to him about anything.
    The main concern is him. I think the best thing to make you feel more confident in yourself, is by telling him to remove himself from the situation where is receiving naked pictures of other women, it’s obviously not making you feel good about yourself. Porn is basically the same thing as him recieving these messages, he is looking at these other women and that is going to make you feel more insecure than you already do. You might need to look into having the kids stay with grandparents for the night, take your husband on a little romantic night away and spice things up a little.
    I hope you are ok and I wish you all the best.

  • I don’t think porn would help. I’m concerned that you say he’s not interested in sex, but with 6 kids who knows what is going on for him. Exhaustion? Maybe he sleeps separate because of not coping. Thinking about it how do you manage with all the kids and recent miscarriage?! I think it will all settle down if you get physically close again… reconnecting sounds like what you both need. .. baby sitters? lots of mutual tolerance / lee-way? and finding fun, light hearted things to do from which intimacy just erupts. Talks are important but can be too heavy / off putting for a man.so be careful not to overload him and push him away as you nut this one out carefully.

  • I would be concerned, mainly because he is sleeping in another room. Is it possible to get a babysitter and go out for a night and get dressed up? My husband isn’t happy with my body either and its obvious but he still kisses me and hugs me etc and hates that I come to bed late (I’m a night owl) You need to really have a proper talk and maybe tell him that its really getting you down and affecting your mental health which also affects your ability to work on yourself. At the end of the day though he should love you for who you are and for giving him children, not for how you look.

  • Wow why is he getting nude photos from other woman? I think that’s more of a concern and he should be taking a look at himself not you to yourself.
    You are perfect the way you are, you have grown, birthed and raised 6 kids. You are amazing and if he can’t see that then he’s the problem not you

  • It sounds like you are the one not happy with your body appearance more than your husband. Him sleeping in the kids room might be to give you a more peaceful sleep. He may also think that you are not ready for intimacy so soon after a miscarriage. I suggest you talk to him or show him that you are ready. Not sure how you find the time with 6 kids.

  • What I read your story I think you’re insecure because of what he’s doing & showing; the fact that he get nude picture’s sent and makes comments about that, the fact he’s not interested to sleep with you but with the kids, the fact he’s not looking at you anymore…. And I can totally imagine this makes you insecure indeed. Rather than looking to what `you need to do, I think you need to look what you can do together. Start with expressing how you feel about it and you could consider to go in marriage counseling together

  • Maybe just talk to your partner and tell him how do you feel…maybe he thinks you need some “break” after recent birth and miscarriage

  • Wow… why is he getting sent nude pics of other women?!
    I think this would make my self esteem go down as well.
    Six kids is a lot and yes, your body has given all it can and he needs to be able to appreciate that!
    I think you need to talk to him and tell him how you’re feeling. It will be hard for sure but at least he will know what’s going on and how it’s affecting your self esteem. It’s not healthy to be feeling this way.

  • You have given him 6 kids. Wow and you blame yourself.
    Listen up, you don’t need to watch porn only if you do it for you. Dress up one night make time with a friend to go out and tell him he needs to be home because you have plans.
    Make him understand if he dose not want to spend time with you others will.
    Never feel like your not enough, easily said then done I know but you have been with him for 6 kids and if he didn’t like the way you look. You wouldn’t have got past one.
    Always make him want you more then you want him. Sitting at the table rub hand up and down inner thigh a little then stop pull away and go on as if you did not do anything.
    Do little things like that for time all he will want is you 24/7. If not remember rule 2 always look after number one yourself.
    Also I know what it’s like losing a baby.
    It’s hard on you but remember we are all here from different reasons. It was just not ready to be born they needed. Some more time.
    Go with my love to you. Lidia

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