19 Answers

Now that both my children are at school full time, I feel like I don’t know who I am other then a mum and wife…I seem to have lost my own personal identity…does that make sense….and I am wondering if anyone else has felt the same or got there identity back to the what they were before kids

Posted anonymously, 15th October 2018

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  • When my kids were fulltime at school I started organising lots of catch ups with mums & their kids in the afternoon, It was a lovely time. During school hours I would do some voluntary work, visit elderly and help out at school with reading groups and uniform shop.

  • Spending time with my friends (whom I’ve known since I was a teenager) makes me feel like my old self. We talk about our current day to day life, but also reminisce about the past. I love that we have a shared history.

  • I know it feels like everything has changed but if you stick with it soon there will he moments where you can be yourself or feel like you have more control

  • Yes I did (and still do at times). I found that writing myself a self care plan helped. I wrote down all the little things I enjoyed to do and tried to make time for them when I could. Example: cup of tea in the sun, walking around the botanical gardens, bubble bath, making some craft etc

  • I don’t think things will ever be the same as they were before but it’s sad that you feel like you’ve lost yourself. Are you able to take some time out for yourself to do something you enjoy?

  • I’ll never get back to where I was before family (basically an individual, doing that they wanted, when they wanted, where they wanted, often alone, making friends but still doing what I wanted whether I knew anyone or not…. with extended family distant I was really a totally free agent!!) It’s not just the kids or being a wife that has changed things, it’s about being connected in a way that I was never before. That ‘connection’ is part of my new identity now. I totally agree that it is good to get back into doing things ‘for you’ when time and energy permit; but for me there is always that ‘connection’. The thought of going off for a weekend on my own to go for a hike or whatever the ‘old me’ would have done, just seems odd now. If I did I suspect I’d still be thinking of everyone else….even when the kids have left home! For better or worse, forever changed!

  • My chitare still young but I will be lost once they are at school. I have already decided to go back to work when my youngest is in prep. Only a few hours a day so I can still be there for them, but it will give me something to do.

  • Absolutely! Motherhood changes you – for better or worse. The sleep deprivation the shift in priorities (ummm as mum’s we aren’t often on our own priority list) , the worry, the challenges. Friends change, I look back at my pre-children life and it is like looking at another person!

  • When my daughter started school I felt lost and very depressed and lonely then I decided to have another baby

  • All I’ve ever wanted was to be a mum, so it’s a situation that suits me. Although I do understand that sometimes the every day routine can feel very monotonous. Perhaps find something that makes you happy that you can do while the children are at school e.g join a sporting club like social tennis.

  • Absolutely ! I’m only just starting to find myself again. I did an online course and have started doing some other training and volunteering whilst my daughters are at school. That is definitely helping.

  • I have always kept my interests and hobbies and developed new ones too. It is always important for women and mums to keep their interests and to do things they love. I am a mum, but also me too.

  • Yep, totally know where you’re coming from! It took me a few years after the kids moved out to adjust to being me again. Have you considered part time or voluntary work while the kids are at school? That would help a bit

  • I don’t feel as though I have lost myself but I definitely think that my responsibility has shifted and increased. I think there is less flexibility and more compromises but I feel like this is very normal for motherhood. I try to have time to myself or even time to socialise with my friends to make sure I am also looking after myself.

  • Wow, yes. I know when I had my first I became the mum and wife who did everything. I never worried about me. But when I had my 2nd I knew I had to find something I loved. I took on Makeup and became a Makeup Artist. I then had another child, who is now 2, and again I felt that sense of being lost. I couldn’t continue with makeup because I had a very challenging baby. My other two were in school now so again I looked at what I loved and where I wanted to be when all three went to school. I decided to finally get my degree in Education. I am now 2nd year at Uni studying a Bachelor of Education. It is something for me. I am a wife, a mum of three and now a student. I know I am done with having kids but I also know that I needed something in my life that gave me a push to do something in a few years time.

    I would recommend finding something you enjoy. If you like baking, become the best you can be. Teach yourself, watch youtube vids and practice. If you feel like studying, do that. Follow your passion. Yes, you might have to find what it is but once you do, follow it. You are still a person. You are still you even though you are someone else’s mum and wife, you still are you! Find you again!

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