13 Answers

My partner & I have been together for 15 months & live together. I have been a part of his 13 yr old daughters life for 12 months. We have her every 2nd weekend. As she lives 2 hours away from us & 20 minutes away from my partner’s parents, we usually stay with my in laws on our weekend with her. We usually bring her to our place about once every couple of months. In the last 6 to 8 months she has been getting disrespectful towards her father & I. She has developed an ‘I want’ attitude. My partner does not see it being a problem if I discipline her for being disrespectful especially if he is not around. We just had a really bad few days with her & her mother has said that she does not want me to discipline her child, that it has to come from my partner. My partner’s daughter has also decided that she doesn’t want me around on the weekends she wants it to go back to being just her & her dad. My partner is supporting me 100% but I am feeling like I have no control. Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Posted by mom68417, 17th July 2015

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  • Just curious; what sort of disrespect does she show and how do you discipline her ?

  • This is partly just ordinary teenage behaviour, and her mum is probably copping some of it as well. I think that if you have your partner’s support, you’re entitled to discipline her, and her mother has no say over that.

  • Yes it sounds normal behaviour from the daughter ,Don’t stress too much about it!

  • it is a tough situation really. this is the rebel age

  • Maybe have family conference ,ask that if you don’t say something when it’s wrong ,unsafe or nasty ,as a person u have the right to say something .One visit u could meet & great then you go out so they have time ,but back in time for tea! Even days you have girly day break the ice .

  • I feel for you. I had a similar issue with my step son. Like you my partner supported me too which is a big relief. I think you have to stay firm to your beliefs and if the mother has an issue then you may need to sit down and discuss face to face. She can not expect her daughter to be spending time with you and you not disciplining her…..leaving it to her dad. That’s just wrong. She is obviously trying to push the boundaries and see what she can get away with and whilst her mum condones that behaviour it’s going to be very difficult time for you. She needs to accept that you’re a part of her fathers life and she can’t have dad all to herself anymore

  • As long as your partner is sticking up for you if she is disrespectful to you otherwise let your partner deal with her behaviour & you can sit back just be there if she needs your attention. She will probably come around as she matures so just give it time.

  • Thanks everyone. We have tried to talk to her mother, but her mother has said that what works in her house is that she does the discipline & her partner doesn’t, so that’s what she wants to happen in our house…my partner does the discipline & not me. The big difference is that her partner doesn’t live with her, where as my partner & I live together. Also, we have only had a bad attitude in the last 9 months. We have agreed to try it her way, but if no improvements, things will have to change. Thanks again everyone.

  • I can understand her jealously It use to be just her and her dad, Now you are part of the mix. I can also understand the I do not want the step mum wanting you to dispiline her child. But there has to be rules and she has to know you are there for keeps. I would suggest if you are on good terms with the mum that you sit down with her and make some simple rules like she must do simple tasks when asked by either you or your partner and show a little respect. Start simple but build them up over time. The childs mum has to be in on this as well or it just un does the process and hurts the child (which is more important than anything) and you also the childs relationship with her father. You could also sit the kid down and tell her you love her father as does sheand he loves her and you want to be part of the childs life to and be there for her if she needs you for anything. It could also be part of pubity on her side so dont be to hard. Goodluck

  • I gather this is pretty normal behaviour from the daughter, so don’t stress too much. I think you need to talk to her mum and explain that although you know you’re not her mother, you are an adult who has occasional responsibility for her, and you need to be able to discipline her as appropriate. Perhaps you can agree some ground rules? But you are lucky your partner is supporting you.

  • Is it possible the girl is trying to play you partner off against you?
    I was in a situation where my Dad tried to cause trouble between my brother and I.
    Another relative worked it out and alerted us to the fact she knew what was happening. He accused me of saying things to him about my brother. The thing was I hadn’t seen my Dad or anybody I knew while I was away on a holiday that he knew nothing about. I didn’t tell my brother I was going away as it was a quick decision following an last minute invitation. I supposedly made the comment during that time. During that time he had written me a letter and put in it tings my brother was supposed to have said to me. The dates on that didn’t match up either. He was interstate for work and I never spoke to him during that time. Apparently he had made a comment to the relative. She didn’t tell him that she had woken up to his nasty stunt. Luckily it didn’t wreck our bond…..The girl’s Mother may be trying to break you and your partner up. She could be telling the girl what to say and how to behave too. Whatever you do, I suggest you don’t buy the girl expensive items as you will probably be accused of trying to buy her love.

  • Thanks Kasey

  • I think it is very unfair that her mother said you can’t discipline her, perhaps her father needs to talk to her mother about the situation. His support for you 100% is great to see and his daughter needs to know that your not going anywhere. Hope it works out for you all.

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