39 Answers

I’m 28 years old with 3 kids to my husband of 11 years. 14 months ago I left him after a domestic violence episode. I hoped he would get help for his drinking and other issues and we would get back together after a 12 month separation. I have been very ill for the last 6 months following several serious viruses. Now it appears I’m going through early menopause too. The whole thing has caused me to need medication just to cope with the day to day. I want to focus on getting myself better while being a fulltime parent to our kids. in the meantime my husband has been very unreasonable and demanding and now depressed and suicidal. He’s drinking is out of control and he’s becoming paranoid and violent. How do I help myself without causing him to harm himself and protect my children from all this? Thanks.

Posted anonymously, 3rd January 2014

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  • Firstly, I woĆ¼ldnt be moving in with him any time soon, he’s not stable enough mentally for it to be safe for you or your kids.

  • I am sorry you are going through DV as it is a very complex and difficult situation . It is natural for you to want to help as he is still your spouse and father to the kids. I would strongly advise you to ring a DV hotline first as it is anonymous and they can advise you what to do . We all have tempers but none of us deserve DV of any sort and to be in any dangerous situation . Your husband needs psychological help immediately so perhaps ring Lifeline and see if they can advise further and perhaps think about seeking help from a women’s refuge/church group etc if you think the situation can get out of hand. God bless .

  • Really good advice given in the comments section!

  • Hire a hitman. Joke. But stuff him take your kids and go because when he hurts one of them or one of them get hurt trying to help you it will be your fault.

  • Try talk to your family and dr for advice

  • you need to get out of there firstly and then tell him over the phone that he should get help before you come back

  • you need to think of you and yoru kids, if he harms himself it is not your fault

  • there is nothing you can do for him, other than support him.

  • You have to help yourself before you can help others. If he is going to be difficult/aggressive or violent, I wouldn’t want the kids to be anywhere near him!

  • As much as you want to help him, you can’t help him unless he wants to help himself. And no matter what he says or does, YOU ARE NOT responsible for anything he does or says. You cannot make or cause him to do anything – he is an adult and makes his own choices. Starting out on your own can be intimidating and scary, but you have to put yourself and your kiddies first. If you have a safe place to go, get the hell out and protect yourself and your kids by removing yourself from a dangerous situation. And depending on the kiddies ages, tell them that Daddy isn’t well at the moment, but that he and you still love them more than anything, and you just need some time away until Daddy gets better. Put yourself and your children’s needs first, no matter what. I wish you well.

  • there are some good comments here

  • should try getting out maybe talk to family and doctors to help

  • to be honest i would get out of there.

  • Been there done that, your health and your kids’ safety are paramount, you can’t help him until he decides to help himself. I know moving and starting again and being a single parent is hard but at least you’ll be in control and free from the constant worry of violence. Find a supportive Domestic Violence Worker and follow her advice. Be proud of yourself for coping until now and remember that neither you nor your kids deserve to live in fear…hope this helps…take care xxx

  • Protect your kids from this, it is not healthy for you or them.

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