23 Answers

I have twin sons who are 26, they are living at home and both have suffered from depression and ADHD, so they get a pension, however they will do nothing. They are bright boys, but still childlike in that I still buy their clothes, do all their washing, they will not clean their rooms, their bathrooms or toilet. I am unwell and my husband is now 70 and also unwell. They won’t move out despite having considerable savings as they have never had to spend money whilst living here- one purchased a brand new car, the other does not have a license as he considers he does not need one as his brother has one. They do play golf a few times a week and are members at a club but do not attend any functions. We have tried tafe, disability employment agencies, all with no success. This is causing problems between my husband and me at a time when we should be enjoying life. Having them living with us is no great drama if only they would do something to contribute. Please, any advice would be appreciated.

Posted by mom109463, 28th January 2015

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  • Best thing to try is to stop doing for them. When they run out of clean clothes, they’ll do laundry. Get hungry, they will get something to eat. Run out of clean dishes, they’ll wash up. Mental health issues is no excuse to live like a pig

  • In short, stop doing so much for them. Dr Phil would call you an ‘enabler’, what you’re doing for them is enabling them to keep doing (or not doing, as is the case) what they’ve been doing. When they run out of clean clothes or the clothes they have need replacing or they’re hungry they’ll soon learn to cook and wash shop for themselves

  • Was just wondering how things turned out for you and your family?

  • Get a professional mediator or counsellor to help you talk to them. Consider “billing” them for your services, and enforce it.

  • I am just wondering does having depression and adhd is the reasom for being childlike ? Unless they have an intellectual disability , it is more of a developed behaviour. Perhaps you have been overprotective due to this and they know it . This is what happens if all their life they have been accustomed living under your roof. You have to let them go on their own . I would speak to a family counsellor as this and see if you can open up the communication in the household. It only takes one person to change to make something work . Hope it does soon .

  • The simplest solution would be for you and your husband to sell your home and move into a retirement village. It would be the best move for all concerned. You would get your rest, your husband would get the medical attention he requires, and your sons would have to fend for themselves.

  • maybe look into community participation programs run by local disability agencies in NSW you can contact department of ageing and health care – they take them out on social outings, and teach them life skills activities – also help them prepare for work if they want to work.

  • My dear! You poor poor woman!
    You must be going out of your mind & at the end of your rope!
    You’re children are taking advantage of you!
    They are saving a fortune & have to do nothing because they know Mummy will come to the rescue! It is time to lay down the law very firmly!
    Your sons are 26 years old & if 1 is able to go out & purchase a brand new car then he is capable of cleaning his room! You are not asking for anything extraordinary!
    What you are expecting is something I would expect of children, not men!
    Your grown children need to start helping out!
    & look at moving into a place of their own! There is no reason why they could not get a small unit together close by. Then if they want to live like slobs so be it! It is time they learnt some responsibility.
    You need to sit down as a family & tackle this problem head on.
    You need to explain to them that this can not continue! They are men & it is high time they started acting like it. It will not kill them to help out around your home, especially when they are living there for free!
    You tell your boys things need to change or they will be moving out!
    This is the time for you & your husband to be relaxing & enjoying life, just the two of you! Instead it sounds like you are running around after 2 very ungrateful men who in turn do nothing for you!
    I hope things improve around your home soon & you & your husbands health has improved.
    You may also find that yourself & your husband are also depressed, & worn out!
    Book an appointment with your GP for the pair of you & please take care!

  • you have a lot of good advice here. be fair and firm and it is a time for tough love. good luck.

  • Sit them down as a family unit and bring it up with them, nothing confronting but they surely realise how lazy they are being they have ADHD and not a low IQ. So I don’t know what their excuse could be. Both you and your husband have to stand firm and make ground rules. Set time frames and if they are truly unwilling do what my parents are doing. you move out into a smaller place.
    My parents have 6 kids in total , 3 girls 3 boys. All girls are out living on their own. All 3 boys are stil home ranging in age from 24 – 34, none contribute to rent chores anything. The boys have been told that when my parents return from a trip mid year they are moving into a smaller place (possibly even buying a smaller place to fit just them and the boys will be on their own….I hope it works as my dad (64) works 14 hour days to cover bills and doesn’t get to live the life I know he deserves.

  • Some “play” on having ADHD, using it as an excuse for not doing anything. From that angle I am speaking from personal experience as I have a relative who pulled that stunt and also used it as an excuse when she deliberately did something she knew was wrong. She was stupid to brag to others about it, say why she did it, and what happened to the person she did the misdeed to..The boys would be receiving Disability Support Pensions and should be paying board, at least enough to cover their share of the grocery and utility charges. Many people with ADHD are also very strong physically so are capable of helping with outside chores too. For a start they can put their washing out in the laundry, not like some toss it on the bedroom floor and never pick it up. A know a girl who used to tear paper she had finished with into little pieces and throw it on her bedroom floor instead of screwing it up and putting it in the basket she had been given in her room. Some have a habit of stealing any cash they find and hiding it. Missy said she had no money but when she tipped her container out from in her bed we discovered a lot of 20 cent coins – money her Mum had collected out of food and drink machines that she supplied food and drinks for. Previous to that her Mum was suspicious but couldn’t prove it.

  • yep talk to them like adults and they should be helping etc

  • I agree with most of the comments already made. Sounds like some tough love is needed as they should be helping you out at that age.

  • I really do agree with all the other moms and MOM57619 brings up a very important point.
    They really need to shape up.
    Wishing you and hubby well. :-)

  • Looking past everything I tend to agree as well that you need to start getting a bit tougher on them. They will eventually have to look after themselves and they need to take some responsibility. They can’t be living off parents and having everything done for them for the rest of their lives.

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