6 Answers

That moment when i’m joking around with my 7 yo son and I go “am I like the best mum ever or what!?!?” And my son stops dead and says seriously “I can’t say you’re the best mum ever because there’s also my step mum”. I showed I was a little upset by that and tried to have a calm talk about it with him. He then goes on to explain to me that he thinks of us “equally”. I physically felt my heart break that very moment. I feel selfish to admit how upset it made me because I truly want him to be happy and his dad to be happy and I am so relieved that we have all been lucky enough to have no real problems and for him to have a harmonious life in two new blended families (both myself and his dad have had new partners for a similar amount of time). Some part of me thought that being his bio Mum he’d think of me differently, as something more, someone special, with a bond that couldn’t be matched. I’m feeling crushed at the same time as feeling guilty for feeling crushed. I know he wouldn’t say he thought of my new partner and his Dad equally and not because he doesn’t like my partner but because he holds his dad up on a pedestal. And rightfully so, he is a wonderful father and neither myself or my partner would ever attempt to interfere with that relationship. As far as I am aware my divorce has been as amicable as they come 50/50 split of everything including time with our son. I would never say a bad word about his dad to my son. I feel like I am being the best mother I can be and always trying to be better. Has anyone else experienced this sort of thing and have any advice on how you handled it?

Posted by m1shka001, 18th June 2016

Want more real mum questions sent to you?

You'll need to check this email to complete your signup.
Ask your question
  • I didn’t post this question but really enjoyed reading the responses.

  • At least your son was honest with you. Be thankful that your son has no issues with his Stepmother and obviously he respects her. It is difficult that he obviously has issues with his Stepfather. If you divorced when he was quite young, bear in mind that he has been spending 50 /50 time ratio. In most cases the Dad (and partner if there is one) has the children one weekend a fortnight or each weekend.
    As long of any of you adults don’t criticise any of you at all, your son will be happy in both homes. Yes, it is a big shock and tough for you but at least you know he is happy there. Your next step is to try to resolve the issues between your son and his Stepfather. Things to ponder !! Does he have other children and favour them? Is there a general clash of personality? Maybe your son doesn’t like his method of discipline. If his Stepfather doesn’t have previous postive experience with children at all or of that age, his method of behaviour when your son displeases him may be too harsh. I know of one such case. In his case he uses words that his stepson doesn’t always understand for his age. He forgets he is 8 y.o. not high school age, and expects him to do chores that he himself never did at that age. That is causing friction. His Mum doesn’t seem to be able to get through to him why the boy has trouble adjusting. Food for thought! ! I have no idea what the issues are in your circumstances. Are you able to calmly discuss with your son why he dislikes his Stepfather and reach compromise between them at all.

  • I think its wonderful that your child has a great relationship with his step mum.
    Imagine how it would be if he didnt get along with her. What impact would that have on his relationship with his dad, and perhaps even your relationship with them both as parents to your son.
    In my own experience, my sons father is arrogant and I can’t spend too much time with him. But his partner of 3 years is fabulous. And I am so very grateful that she is in his life, I feel better that she is in his life. If I want or need something done with my son while he is at his dads, I talk to his stepmum about it. Because I know she will help, or even share a valued opinion.
    I think children who are able to develop a special bond with their step parents are very very lucky, as they have more people who love them and will help them. If, god forbid, something happened to me, I know that he has another mother who will step in and be there for him 110% and for that I am truly grateful.

  • Thank you so much for both of your thoughtful responses – I have taken away a lot from both. I have spent a lot of time thinking about my initial reaction to the situation. More than anything it took me by surprise but having the space to reflect on what is truly important I am just thankful that he has two strong, caring mother figures that he respects and loves. And no, I don’t want him to be playing favourites with the ones he loves. I just want him to be happy and right now he is happy and comfortable and safe in both of his homes – I really can’t ask for more. I am very proud of him and the integrity of character he has shown at such a young age – he is a beautiful, loving boy. Thanks again. I have gained some perspective on what is really important and know that he and I have a unique and special bond that can’t be replaced, but he has a big heart with plenty of room to build new special bonds with others, including his step mum.

  • This must be very difficult for you. Being the biological mother is something special (and it would be so nice if children appreciated this). However, I think the question ‘am I the best?’ would be a hard question for a 7 year old to answer. The question of being the best parent sometimes arises between spouses when kids go through phases of being closer to one parent than the other; one parent can feel left out and unwanted!. (Girls seem to start off closer to their mother, then shift to fathers as they are differentiating themselves from mothers, before finally identifying with the mother once they are stable with their own feminine identity. Boys may have a similar thing with dads, I don’t know). The ‘rejection’ you can feel when the child identifies more closely with someone else can be very hard,probably more so when step-parents are involved. My advice would be to (1) affirm to yourself all you have done and how good you’ve been and that you are the best; sometimes you have to appreciate yourself and not look to others for approval. You know you’re great and you don’t need anyone to tell you that; (2) realize that what your son says as a 7 year old isn’t the final ‘adult word’ on the situation. He’s just a kid; (3) His answer is actually probably a good one for his own ‘health’. Imagine if he was pining for you, believed you were the best and that half his life he was getting second-best… he’d be so unhappy; who would want that for a child they love? (4) find solace in the fact that children in intact families wax and wane in how close they are with parents. They can even say they hate you! but that is another matter… you have to know you are doing the best for them regardless of what stage of maturation they are at.

  • your are his mummy, his mum, the original, the first woman he ever loved and nothing will change that not even a step-mum.
    1st be thankful you have raised such an honest young man.
    2nd Be proud of your parenting that your son feels loved and comfortable enough to be honest with you.
    3rd how amazing for your son that he has 2 mums who are both so great he cant separate them.
    4th he clearly has a big heart and loves unconditionally and without bias, which is rare and remarkable.

    and now some questions
    Do you want a son who plays favourites with people he loves?
    Do you think you are entitled to more love simply because you gave birth to him and share DNA?
    or are you a simply better mother than his step-mum?

    True family is not what your born into, its what is created through love and caring.
    I don’t know if this helps or if its what you wanted to see. But your not selfish for wanting to be special, which you are. try asking you son what his favourite thing about you is or his most special memory with you, it will be different to the step-mums.

    just one more thing to make you feel special.
    Mitochondria, which are in every cell of the body. Mitochondrial DNA comes directly from the biological mother, its something you gave him, that you share with him, that no one else can.

Post you answer
Like Facebook page

LIKE MoM on Facebook

What is your answer to that question?
Would you like to include a photo?
No picture uploaded yet.
Please wait to see your image preview here before hitting the submit button.
Your MoM account

Lost your password?

Enter your email and a password below to post your answer and join MoM:

↥ Back to top

Thanks For Your Star Rating!

Would you like to add a written rating or just a star rating?

Write A Rating Just A Star Rating