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My husband has had reoccurring anger issues for as long as I’ve known him. He was raised by two abusive parents and as a result has difficulties controlling his anger. During a stay at a psychiatric hospital years ago they told me he may have a personality disorder and it was recommended I not stay with him. I did because I loved him and we got married and have 2 very young children. When he is angry he is verbally abusive, breaks things, punches walls, hurts himself and stops me from leaving. The last incident was last week where he grabbed me on my back from behind while I was feeding my baby son and squeezed hard. It hurt but there were no bruises. My family want me to leave him but I love him and feel so sad that he’s got no one in the world except for me and our children. He is this way because of his horrible childhood. I feel so so lonely at the idea of being a single parent but don’t want my children to grow up around dysfunction. I feel no one will want me and I’m only 27 with 2 kids and to be divorced on top of that scares me. We have recently moved to a new town for his work and if I leave I will need to move back home. My father also passed away recently and I feel lost without him. Please help me with any advice. Thank you.

Posted by anon, 10/09/13

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  • I see this is an old question and am wondering how you go ?
    While I agree with the other comments that you should chose for your own safety I don’t agree that this definitely should mean to divorce him.
    I would find counseling myself to share emotions and seek advice how to respond on his behaviour and I would expect from him to seek professional help and express to him “listen I love you and do not divorce you but you have to work on your anger issues for us to live together”


  • Oh my gosh, so much going on here! Honestly, with all the news stories of women dying at the hands of a partner or an ex partner, I’m scared fir you if you stayed. So what if you’re divorced at 27, single mum of 2 living with your mum…….it’s better then being dead


  • You do what you have to do in the best interests of children, There are good men out there who will love and take on other’s children. A loving stable home is what you and your children deserve.


  • You need to leave, for your sake and for the safety of your kids. It seems he had no control over what he does or says when he’s in a rage. You can’t go on living like that


  • If you need to leave, you need to leave, no one else wanting you or being 27 and divorced with 2 young children are not good enough reasons to stay. Your priority is the safety of your children, nothing else should be considered


  • You need to get out NOW!
    It is very sad that your husband had such a terrible childhood but you would think being in such an abusive childhood home he would have grown up the opposite!
    My mother was raised by alcoholics, she has never touched a drop of alcohol in her life because of it.
    Your husband needs some serious help & unfortunately you can not provide it. He needs to get it himself & he needs to get it from a professional, but most importantly he has to WANT it.
    You have 2 young children to think of. You said how he hurt you while you were feeding your baby son, what if you had dropped him? What if he had cracked his head?
    Your children as well as yourself are in danger.
    It’s okay to feel sorry for your husband, but are you still going to feel sorry for him if he hurts or even kills one of your children?
    Leaving is the best thing you can do for all people in this scenerio.
    You & your children will be safe & hopefully you’re leaving will push your husband to get the help he so desperately needs.
    Do you think your father was happy with the situation you’re in when he passed?
    How stressed do you think your mother is right now knowing your situation & she is all alone with your father passing?
    You have a million different reasons why you should leave this dangerous relationship & only 1 why you should stay.
    Put your children first & leave.
    Leave a note explaining why you’ve left.
    I hope your husband gets the help he needs & you take on board the advice all these lovely women have given you.
    Everyday we hear a new story about a woman losing or almost losing her life because of domestic violence. I truly hope you don’t become one of those stories.
    Be strong. Its time to move on.
    I wish you all the best.


  • I really hope this is going well for you!


  • listen to what you are saying – I left my hubby with lots of similar stuff happening to you after he choked me for the second time… hard, but do it for yourself and the kids… GET HELP Doctor, Lifeline, friends xxx


  • Ask yourself the following questions:
    What would you say to your daughter, sister, friend if she were in the same situation that you are in?

    You mention your dad passed recently and that is so sad. What would he want for you and his grandchildren?

    Would it be so bad to move back to your home town, would your family assist you? Or would he bother you there?

    Why are you enabling your husband to have the same dysfunctional behaviors influence your children?

    Fact: He does have mental health issues because of how he was raised.

    Fact: You are not responsible for his childhood issues.
    Stop making excuses for his behavior.

    Do: take out an intervention order through the courts to protect you and your children. You would be wise to have a court order to have him brought to a hospital for a mental health evaluation. He has been in psychiatric care in the past, gather as much support and information about this.

    FACT: Your husband is a danger to you and your children and to himself. This is reason enough for the court order to have him assessed and begin treatment. It is sad that he has a mental health problem but you cannot make this better.
    He may never be a safe person to be in a relationship with. In time, once he has completed treatment again you may be able to have supervised visits with the children.

    Fact: He is an Adult. You are an Adult. As parents you both need to be providing a safe healthy and non abusive environment for your children to grow up to be healthy members of society. This will not happen if the pattern is not broken. You are not raising children, you are raising children to become healthy adults.

    Fact: your husband is not providing this for his children…so you have to.

    Fact: It is scary to become a solo parent. You will find the strength and resolve that you never knew existed.

    FACT: Your husband has grabbed you and hurt you while you were holding your baby! This is ringing big alarm bells!

    PLEASE: Make a plan, do not tell him or anyone you are leaving, gather whatever you need and just get the heck out of there, get to a shelter in another town for a few nights or a week or for as long as you can. Then ask your family for help. Your family may assist you removing large items at a later stage or have a removal van collect. Do not go back to that home without having a police officer with you.

    Fact: You love him, you need to love your children more. Your primary role as a mother is to protect your children at whatever means you need to.

    Fact: Your husband has the potential and the uncontrolled anger that he will very likely kill you or you and the children if he has any inkling you are leaving. This is why I suggest you go to a shelter and not to family right away. You will be protected there and the staff will be very helpful with information to help you get back on your feet. He will contact your family members because this will be the first place he would think you would go. Once you are at the shelter, let your family know you are safe, but do not tell them where you are. If they do not know, they cannot be manipulated into giving him information. They may also be at risk of his temper outbursts so warn them. If he comes and bothers them, they can get police protection and have him removed.
    I cannot stress enough how serious this situation is and how easily it can become inflammable.
    You have seen the news, read newspapers, you think this could not happen to you? think again it has already started and only you have the power to stop it.


  • Life throws many of challenges. There are so many of counselling services that are available and maybe if you spoke to someone a professional about everything you may be able to make the right choice in your life.


  • while you stay together you are sending a message to him that his behaviour is fine and you are enabling this. For him to become better mentally tough love is needed. Remeber you love him so you want the best for him. Love means making the hard decisions and getting him to get help. Your children should not be in that enviroment.


  • I would leave this man, before someone gets truly hurt. You cannot save him by staying but you can save yourself and your kids


  • I hope over the last 8 months you have been able to reach out to someone who can help you. Being afraid of what the future may hold being single is no reason to stay in an abusive relationship, with verbal or physical. Lifeline would be a good start to help you sort out how you feel and what your next steps should be.


  • This doesn’t sound like a healthy home for the kids to be growing up in! Please go get some professional help and support and see if there are any ways of solving this together as a family.


  • maybe its time to take the kids and leave


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