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I’ve just figured out my husband has ADHD. While I took my daughter in and it sounds like she has ADHD its clicking that he does too. All these years I thought he was an ass hole but maybe there was a chance for change, now I see this has been through out his life, his childhood and teenage years make sense now.
Sometimes when im at the end of my rope calling us quits hes reasonable and tries hard for a little while but now i dont see any light especially with at least one other child who is difficult at the best of times, a tween and a 4yo that could be the same. Im at breaking point.
He has all the signs. Doesnt know when to quit, doesn’t listen, forgets or avoids tasks, leaves huge unfinished messes, outbursts of anger, impulse controll, accident prone, unreasonable, spends whole weekends “cleaning the shed” and i see no change aside from rubbish removal, his car is chaos as is the shed but no one else can mess it up, infact he blames our employee even though hes always kept his shed the same even before our employee. He is obsessive over things like his car keys and cap and you just know life will be hell untill he finds them, easily distracted, does things inappropriate like playing when its dressing after bath time and then gets mad when the child thinks dress time is play time or hes done and the child isn’t, rips off the 4yo pants because he needs to change but gets mad when the 4yo does it to him. I had spoken about it all so many times and he continues. He runs his own business and I cant keep up with my side of the book work because he isn’t consistent with his which means no money coming in, I have to argue with him to have his part done. When I tell him why I’m shitty he will start getting defensive as if its not his fault says I’m always blaming or against him and then asks why im shitty, my response is “i just told you why”.
I’m sure he has more of a problem than just an ass i want to see someone and medicate him, hes past behaviour therapy. Im at my wits end and he’s refusing. He’s made token efforts in the past for behaviour help but has never followed through. I need help or were done. Has anyone had experience? Do I call us quits to save some of myself?


Posted anonymously, 16th November 2020


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  • I’ve just seen this and it’s so relatable to me! I would love a follow up to know if you managed a solution ig you happen to see this.


  • Tell him he either goes and seeks help or your going to have to protect yourself and leave


  • I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through. My son has autism on a small scale. I find that hard enough. Maybe try to get your husband to go with you when you take your daughter to one of her appointments. He may realise that it could be his problem too. You need to look after yourself too. As I was always told you need to look after yourself first or the whole structure (your husband and children) will fall apart. Good luck


  • My husband has it too as well as Asperges. It’s very hard at times, he’s super stubborn and he’s never wrong even when you can argue all the reasons he is. He can have a volatile temper which can be very hurtful. The best thing I’ve found is to be patient and try not to argue back. If I let him go he soon runs out of steam with no one to argue with and 5min he’s forgotten it happened.


  • It sounds like an incredibly difficult situation for you and your family.
    As others have said, ADD and ADHD have very strong genetic links.
    But when someone is an adult and is refusing treatment, refusing to see a Dr or psychiatrist- it’s extremely hard to do anything. As much as it sounds your husband does indeed need professional help, if he won’t get it and is in denial then you can’t really do anything. It’s up to him as an adult to do what’s best for him. And for his family too. But clearly he’s not thinking that way.

    You can try to persuade him to attend an appointment together with you, or attend one of your child’s appointments. This may help him or at least open the door to help.
    But at the end of the day – he’s the one who has to want help and want to change.
    And if it comes to it – you have to look after yourself and do what’s best for you and your children. Even down to your husband not doing the work needed to get money in for your family – that’s a huge stress and not on you. He needs to change and accept responsibility for his actions. And get the treatment he needs.
    I wish you all the best.


  • Just encourage him to look into it further. My son was diagnosed with ASD/Aspergers and I often talk about how I have so many of his traits, and yet I’ve never been diagnosed.


  • Aw that’s a tough one. I would keep on trying to gently encourage him whilst trying to understand his problem. Maybe he can come to one of the doctor visits with your children and the doctor can discuss the inherited factor and how medication can help.


  • I was diagnosed as an adult with ADHD. Within the year, so was my husband, my sister and my dad.
    I proactively sought help and taking medication has made my life so much better in so many ways. It helps my family too.
    Getting diagnosed and onto a treatment plan is the best thing I ever did.

    There is a strong family link with ADHD, so your daughter’s diagnosis might be a good opportunity to discuss it with your husband. But unless he wants the help and wants to see a psychiatrist, nothing is going to change.


  • Keep pushing for him to get help. Just try and pick the right time. In the meantime, you could try and put some strategies in place similar to what works for your daughter


  • I’m so sorry to hear this, and I can totally relate on some things he does as my hubby is the same. I have yet to seek medical help as he is refusing, but I think this is the only option. Sometimes he is good for a most of the day before he ‘loses it’, and his outbursts are so unwarranted, abrupt and rude.
    I would suggest to him that you can both go to see someone, (this is the only way my partner will seek help, so maybe the same with yours. Good luck.


  • It is really important to put your son first. Ripping off the child pants in frustration is unkind, unnecessary and not good parenting. This child will mimic bad behaviour and witness your frustration with his Dad. Have a serious talk with Hubby. State your concerns and let him know you want to keep the marriage on track and how you love him and want him to have a close relationship with his son. Having a doctor see him and diagnose Adult ADHD might be a blessing in itself! Life can be easier if honesty and communication and trust are your focus in bringing up kids in a marriage.


  • Have you tried couples therapy? There are some excellent therapists out there these days.


  • Try talking to him first, give him the ultimatum of seeking help or you’ll be moving on. Sometimes, as hard as it is, leaving a bad relationship and being on your own is best


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