38 Answers

I have been married to my husband for 8 years, together for 12. We have three children together and I am just so unhappy. My husband is wonderful, there is no underlying issue. No verbal/physical abuse. My husband is a good husband and a great father. He just doesn’t make me happy anymore. And I can’t remember the last time I actually felt happy with him.

I just really feel like this is it for my life. The last time we were intimate was when we conceived my third child and she is now one and half! And the problem is on my end. Every time my husband goes to initiate it I make excuses to the point he just doesn’t even try anymore. I feel horrible saying this, but I just don’t find him attractive. I just feel like I settled and now we have kids together I am stuck here.

Does anyone else feel like this? Is this the norm and people just don’t talk about it because they hide behind their perceived perfect social media lives? If what I am experiencing is totally wrong, what can I do? I just cry myself to sleep every night because I just feel so lonely and isolated and don’t know what to do.

Posted anonymously, 7th October 2014

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  • I think it’s normal to go through ups and downs in a relationship.

  • I think it’s normal to not be happy 24/7, life is full of ups and downs, you can expect sadness/unhappiness. But if it’s ongoing, you could be in trouble. The lack of sex could be due to a hormonal imbalance. Your mood could also be due to hormones or blood levels. First stop is your GP for a physical. When it’s determined that nothing is wrong physically, and you’re still feeling bad, you will need to explore further. Counselling likely

  • Maybe try to find some time do do things together that you did before kids try and get back to the things you used to like doing together. Society paints a disney like picture of what life is meant to be like which I feel leaves people feeling inadequate or sad because they don’t meet the cut ….relationships change and life cycles it’s not the same all the time there are ups and downs and life stress a lot goes on just try to enjoy what you can and don’t be afraid to see a counselor or someone you can talk to .

  • I don’t think people are happy! Not in marriage it becomes a rut but women are too nice perhaps or feel too guilty if there are children to get a better life so they just soldier on. I know a lot of people think ‘is this it?’ This is my life better get used to it. The trouble is in the long run you begin to resent your partner even though he has done nothing wrong….

  • Relationships go up and down. It’s not always pure happiness and sometimes you just need to sit back and look and you realise how content you really are. Sometimes we are so busy with our children and home, etc we forget to make some special times (when the kids are asleep of if you can let a family member look after them) with our spouse. Now that my 4 children are at school we will have lunch dates just the two of us and just spend time together. I’m also going through menopause after a full hysterectomy and that wreaked havoc with me-sex life, moods etc. My hubby was very understanding and patient and it took 3 years after the hysterectomy and fine tuning of HRT to finally feel ‘normal’ again and not in pain (when we get intimate). Since there are no problems as such I think it’s a matter of time for things to get back on track. You should consider counselling as well. (although we didn’t, I know it’s great for some people) Thankfully now, after all we have gone through, things are great again and we are totally happy. I wish you the same, just be patient.

  • I was wondering how you’re going.

  • I think happiness depends upon YOURSELF and not on anyone else. I think you might need to look at ways to find contentment, enjoyment etc. on your own. Find some time out or something to do that you enjoy. If you still don’t feel happy maybe seek professional advice. Relationships can sometimes be hard work – I mean to love someone else can take it out of you (just think of caring for your children!) and that is party why I don’t think that another person is the answer to happiness. If you are not happy in yourself then no one can fix that. And we shouldn’t look to relationships to make us happy is my opinion – it’s just great when they are rewarding and someone gives back.

  • I’d say this is quite common. I’m really sorry that you’re feeling this way. It sounds like a very difficult cycle..and now habit, to break. I think the best thing would be to start with communication. He’s not a mind reader. Tell him you love him, but you’re not in love, that you feel lonely. Tell him what you need from him. then repeat. Ask him if he’ll work with you to try, not to get back to happiness but to create a new happiness.

  • I feel a lot of people are feeling the same. People keep up a facade and a happy face. Perhaps seek some marriage counseling to try overcome this. It may be some depression being an underlying cause – try recreate that spark – an intimate holiday together perhaps

  • Thank you for sharing your feelings and it sounds so depressing when you are stuck. Not sure if it is my cultural upbringing but I feel marriage should only be once as it that is enough for me . Your depression maybe stemmed from other reasons as well as relying solely on hub to make you happy could be making you feel distraught . Perhaps discuss this with a relationship counsellor first to help you assess the situation . Do not tell him about the attractive part of things as he may take it the wrong way and turn disastrous . Look at your life as a whole, mentally , physically , spiritually and so that you are not faced with hub all the time . Then see how you go . Wishing you happiness .

  • Wow! I’m so sorry to read all that.
    I don’t personally know what you are going through, as I am very happy in my marriage. But my husband and I work at it, and always talk things through.
    My advice to you would be talk to him. Tell him exactly how you are feeling and see whether you guys can work through it together. You are at the point where you have nothing to lose by being honest and possibly everything to gain. All I can say is, honesty really is the best policy.
    I wish you the best of luck and hope that you can be happy!!!

  • Sounds like you may have ‘settled’ for your hubby,mouth you’re definitely not stuck. There are options, you can leave him, or ask him to leave. Don’t stay for the kids. Have a chat with hubby, maybe you can sort things. Have a chat to your Dr, maybe it’s medical, depression or post natal…

  • Sounds like you are in a terrible spot, you need to talk to him, everyone goes through ups and downs in their relationships

  • I don’t feel the same but knowing some friends, what your feeling is normal. Doesn’t mean it’s good or should stay like that.
    Question to ask yourself… do you want to make it work? By asking what you can do it sounds like you do want it to work which is great! There is so much you can do and so much hope.
    Second question… are you friends with your husband? Great marriages and romance are based on friendship. That may be a good place to start… pretend your husband is a new friend you want to get to know. Do some basic activities together, like even wash dishes together. Turn the normal routine into a way to hang out and connect.
    Other things to try is remember your dating days, what attracted you? What was romantic about the relationship? Put some extra wedding photos up around the house, remind yourself of what was great. (I second someone else’s suggestion for Gary Chapmans ‘the 5 love languages’. It is a christian book, so mentions God here and there, but even if you’re not religious the principals still apply and it’s really helpful).
    This may sound funny, but after remembering the good stuff, spend a few days trying to ‘seduce’ him. Could be something fun.

    It’s so hard with kids to have the energy for relationships, but putting your marriage first is the best thing you can do for your family. And it is possible there is some underlying depression. In which case the motivation to rekindle will be minimal, so some extra help may really help you to feel better overall.
    As others have said chat to him, tell him how you feel. I bet he is feeling the distance too and maybe has some thoughts on how to become good friends and lovers again. It is normal but doesn’t mean it should stay that way. Otherwise your kids will get older and you’ll go your separate ways, maybe unnecessarily.
    I really hope things get better for you, sucks to be so low and feeling lonely. Much love xx

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