22 Answers

My daughter is 18 (almost 19) She had dreams and ambition till she got into a relationship with her now ex. He was controlling and lazy. Wanting her to sit with him all the time. She finally broke it off but now she has no motivation, no drive, has given up on her dreams and says “How can I make an effort when I dont even like myself” She has a job, she wont put effort into, and wants to quit. I have younger children to look after and her negative attitude is affecting them too. What can I do to help her? When she doesnt want to help herself? Im worried.

Posted anonymously, 3rd February 2015

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  • It’s amazing how much people can change depending on who they become involved with. I hope your daughter was able to get back to being her old self and find happiness and motivation.

  • Bloody boyfriends hey?! I’ve had a couple of my daughters that have stripped her of confidence and self belief. Luckily she now has one who is supportive and encouraging and she’s slowly returning to her normal self

  • I too would love an update. I have an eighteen year old son going through the same. Its only since he got a girlfriend his aspirations and goals have changed.

  • I see you posted your question in 2015 ! I would love to hear if you were able to help and support her and how your daughter is doing now. Dealing with the loss of a relationship is hard for young and old, no matter how healthy this relationship was.

  • I’m coming to this post a little late, but I hope you were able to help your daughter.

  • She sounds depressed and lost confidence in herself. Encourage her to see a GP and then we refer on to a psychologist if it is really serious . If she can open up to you , it is even better so she wont feel suppressed . Hope it gets better .

  • take her to the gp, get her some counselling – we were all very self absorbed – and rightfully so at that age…. She needs someone neutral and empathetic to talk it through with. Just love her babe, and good luck x

  • She sounds depressed and might need to see your GP.

  • I would advise to see a councillor/phycologist. They can help her get her on her feet and also give you advice too for helping her.

  • I would say that she is depressed and finding it hard to cope with coming out of a bad relationship, I would encourage her to go to a GP who specialized in mental health and domestic violence, she may find talking about her situation with someone else helps, she may need medication for a short period of time, being in an abusive relationship takes a lot of energy and takes time to recover, she needs the opportunity to do this, sometimes group therapy can help and be empowering, but get her to the GP as they will know what options are available. best of luck.

  • Has she got any friends that could take her out, or do things with her? She just might need someone other than yourself to show her worth.. BUT not another relationship, just friends that are willing to go places, have girl meet ups, chats, see a movie, road trips, etc..

    Her self esteem might them bloom once again.

  • She might just need some time. being in an abusive relationship can effect people years down the track. Theres not much that you can do except be there for help and try and give her the confidence to excel in the things she loves.

  • I was in a similar situation when I was that age, i’m 29 now. Being in a controlling relationship takes a VERY big toll on your confidence and also your reliance on your self. You feel like you can no longer make decisions for yourself, or if you do, they are the wrong ones. It took me quite a while to realise that i didn’t need anyones permission to do something and that I could think for myself. I think your daughter just needs to know that you support her, but also that you trust her to make her own choices in life. She needs to gain her self confidence back and believe in herself again before she can think too much about her future. I know it’s hard, but being supportive is probably the best thing for her.

  • I went through this myself and drove my parents mental!
    I ended up travelling! It was best decision ever and lasted for about 7 years! I started out by working on Island resorts such as Long Island, Day Dream, Fraser Island and even worked a winter season on Mt Buller and enjoyed snowboarding. I then travelled for 3 months in Europe.
    Working on islands is great, but can be a big life style adjustment. You live on the island in staff quarters. If your careful not to blow your pay on alcohol you can save so much money. So many areas to work – admin/ reception, food/ bars, housekeeping, shops, cafes…the list goes on. It was the best decision that I ever made!

  • This sounds so familiar! I have been in this position too! It is so hard for your daughter right now. You need to be there for her but at the same time she is hurting and if it was along term relationship that she’s come out from then it’s going to take time.

    As a mother myself I’d be doing the same things as you are but at the same time you need to not push her as this could mean she will push the ones that care about her the most away. And you don’t want that because then she will only blame you in the long run.

    Take her out for the day and see if she will open up and talk about these issues before you bring it up as if your daughter bring it up then it’s less likely to back fire on you.

    Try and get her to go out with her friends so she sees what they are doing and so forth get her hang around he right people. I hope your daughter sees the light at the end of the tunnel! It’s not easy on you or your daughter your daughter may also have this approach of im an adult and I’ll do what I want and if that’s the case you need to step back for a bit and see what she does.

    Good luck

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