14 Answers

My beautiful Daughter is almost 29, and had a “Wedding” with her partner Michelle in late August. This is very private and it is hard to talk about, but my daughter was raped by a family member when she was 6, and again when she was 16 years of age by another school student. The first case he went to jail and the 2nd, he got away with it due to mistakes by the police in their investigation and for the court case. (They have been punished by Internal Affairs).

About 2 years ago she announced she was Gay, but we had known for awhile, so as long as she was happy, it never made a difference to how we felt about her.

Today, I was talking to my daughter and she said she wanted to have a baby. The problem is, with the last rape, he did quite a bit of damage to her internally. I don’t think she could give birth normally. I don’t want her to think It isn’t a good idea, but I am scared for her. I told her she should ask for a cescarian. (excuse the spelling).

Her partner Michelle may or may not want to carry a baby, so I am scared for my daughter. I want to know your opinion as to how I can openly talk with my daughter without her thinking I am against it because she is gay.

We have had problems together for quite awhile, and she has a habit of taking things I say the wrong way. I don’t want her to think I am against it, when I definitely am not, I am for it. Just terrified for her.

Has anyone been in the same situation, whether gay or not? And do you know of any other options for them to obtain an egg? I want to be helpful to the daughter, my beautiful girl who has been through so much.

xxx Thank you

Posted by dee lindsay, 30th September 2015

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  • It is possible. Almost anything is possible in 2019. Such a sad story, hope it had a happy ending

  • Maternal instincts are not absent because of being gay. Donation sperm banks or a good male friend who can do the deed, haha. Or donate for the cause. There are options and planning is vital and which woman will carry the baby.

  • You sound like a loving, concerned mother. I think you should just let her know that she should get good medical advice before proceeding.

  • The best option is for her to discuss it with a reproductive endocrinologist. Also to speak to a good psychiatrist about it. Even go together and discuss your worries in a safe space.

  • I don’t think as a mum there is any issues with expressing your concerns. Start out by saying what you feel and that you are so supportive of their choice to bring a life into the world together and how excited you are for her and you becoming a grandmother! Then express your concerns, assuming your daughter and DIL are you Togo through IVF if they decide that your daughter will be the one to carry all IVF clinics will do a through check of your daughter they will ask her questions and I am sure they will know her full medical history to ascertain he ability to conceive/carry and deliver a baby!

    Goodluck grandma to be, your daughter will do fabulously with your love and support! ????

  • This is a really difficult question because you’re obviously coming from a place of concern for her physical wellbeing. Being that she is gay, it is highly unlikely that she or her partner will be going thr “traditional” route of insemination and will probably be seeking fertility services such as IVF. These clinics are extremely thorough due to the amount of time, emotional energy as well as physical energy and money that goes into the IVF process. She (or her partner) will have a total health check, including her internal reproductive system, to guage her sexual health.

    If they are considering another method, and if she seems receptive to ideas, perhaps gently encourage her in a non-confrontational way to seek guidance from a specialist who is in the area of cervical health (such as an incompetent cervix specialist) who will be able to perform an internal examination.

    It’s also really, really, really important to remember that 1. Your daughter is an adult, with an adult partner, and is therefore presumably capable of following up these issues with her doctor/s and may have already, and is capable of making these decisions. 2. While you’re coming from a place of concern and support, you’re not a medical professional and absolutely should not be encouraging her to ask for a Ceasarian unless an allied health professional such as a gynecologist has told her that this would be the safest option for her and baby, or if this is an option that she herself would prefer.

    You mentioned that you have problems communicating with your daughter, so while it’s normal for you to be scared for her as her mother, why not try to take the approach of following HER lead, let her tell you what HER fears are, what apprehensions SHE has. Wait fo her to ask your opinion. Simply offering unquestioning support and allowing her to come to you will give her space and a sense that you are supporting her on her journey, with her own fears that she will be dealing with.

  • if she wants to be a Mum – she will not want to die or damage her baby by giving birth if she feels she cannot. encourage her partner to get her to chat to her gp/gyno . Don’t worry about something that won’t happen. How many women do you know that pass from childbirth nowadays? Emergency caesareans are another option. Just love and support her and it sounds like you have raised her right, so trust her to make the right decision. all the best x

  • I think honesty and openness is the best way. I would just explain your concern and You seem very sincere and I’m sure she will see it that way. Good luck.

  • Be open and honest right from the get go! Tell her you don’t have a problem with her being gay, but you are concerned about the health risks if she decides to have a baby. Honesty really is the only way

  • yeah i think that you can talk to her and explain your reservations and ultimately let her decide what is best for her family.

  • My friend is a single mum never thought she would find someone and so she did donor sperm and egg and had caesarean for all her pregnancies. Sorry your daughter has been through what she has but if she’s desperately wanting kids maybe donor egg and sperm might be the way to go… They might do high risk pregnancy and keep an eye on her because of the situation but at least they will have good care of her and will put your mind at ease.

  • I mean i don’t think these words could be ambiguous or cause her to take it wrong. I hope anyway. Good luck to both of them and you.

  • Agreed it is a tricky situation. Make sure you sit down with BOTH of them and explain that you are worried due the the past assaults but that you want to be there for them so if they need anything, to not hesitate to come to you. I don’t think you could be plainer.

  • Wow what a tricky situation to be in!
    First of all, I am so very sorry to hear of the traumatic experiences your poor girl has suffered through! Did she receive any counselling after these experiences?
    Perhaps the best way to approach this situation is a sit down with your daughter & her partner, discuss openly your concerns & you may be surprised to hear your daughter has some of her own. Encourage her to speak to her doctor about the best way for her to have a baby, what treatments are available, multivitamins she should start taking to prepare her body & of course a full check up. It would probably be best for her partner to have a full check up at the same time. Maybe also look into counselling for the trying-for-a-baby period, hormones are going to kick in & could cause complications within their relationship, counselling can prepare & help them through that.
    But most of all, show your daughter how much you do want her to have a baby.
    Tell her you would love nothing more than to be a grand mother & to be beside her & her partner on this journey. Encourage & support all the way. This is a big step for your daughter to make & it is not going to be easy for her. She is going to need her Mum. If she does try to push you away back off but let her know you are there for her when she is ready.
    If she does take things you say the wrong way, correct her. Then think, is there maybe a better way you could have worded what you said.
    I do wish you the very best of luck & hope you see a grand child in the very near future.

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