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22 Answers

Maybe this isn’t the place for this question but I have a heavy heart and need reassurance that my feelings are valid.

I’m going on 17 yrs with my hubby. He’s 54, I’m 33 year old. We met when I was 17, we’ve had a healthy good relationship, the only thing causing conflict is his wandering eye. I understand there is many attractive people out there, that looking isn’t the worst thing but his eyes usually go to their ????, and lingered there til’ I can’t ignore it.

He doesn’t discriminate with age, she could be 45 or 15, if it looks good he’s going to look. I find it disrespectful, he agrees it is but it’s a habit he keeps going back to. The whole teen thing makes me see him in a different light, we have an 11 year old who will soon be going to middle and high school so I can’t help but wonder how many more issues will arise from it.

My self esteem isn’t the best, he’s had ED since I met him, combine that with needing to satisfy his visual needs every-time we are in public, it has left me feeling not good enough physically. Should I throw away 17 yrs with him because of this? I wish he would only look pretty faces but its always the body specifically the ????.

He says he doesn’t notice the age, well duh you aren’t looking at their faces???? I feel uncomfortable going out with him, always paranoid of when I’ll notice it, how it will make me feel. It’s becoming very detrimental to my mental health.

Recently we had a trip to Universal, we had not taken a vacation in eight years, and there I saw him look more than ever, it was a sad reminder that even on vacation I can’t relax or feel good about myself. Are all men like this? Are my expectations of simply not doing that when I’m right by him too much? And I’m 22 yrs younger than him which seems so ironic.


Posted anonymously, 14th February 2022


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  • He has the problem, not you, my love. If he was just looking at women every so often, that wouldn’t be too bad, but the fact he’s eyeing teens and commenting on them too, that’s not okay. They fact you were a teen when you got together, does that mean when your child brings home friends later, is he then going to act inappropriately with them? I would suggest talking to a therapist to get some professional perspective and guidance. I feel you need to build up your own confidence again and look after yourself first. You’re still young and shouldn’t be made to feel not good enough every day. You should also be able to trust your partner isn’t going to act on his roving eye, and it sounds like you don’t have that trust.


  • How would he feel if you had a wandering eye? Would he feel the same as you? If he cannot hear your hurt and doesn’t want to do anything about it I suppose you have to think about what that means to you and if you want to live with it.


  • He is being very disrespectful to you especially when your out and only you can decide if you leave him no one can answer that but you. I too would worry about your daughter bring friends home how is he going to be with them and not good for you or your daughter.


  • I don’t think its a good situation for you. Please look after yourself


  • Awww honey!! This is not normal, no. I feel so bad for you because this is really affecting you! I do feel he needs some real help! Especially because it seems you still love him. On another note, you must have put up with this for 17 years… that is a long time to endure such behaviour from the man you love.

    Your feelings are completely valid! Please find the help you need. You deserve more!


  • I’m sorry this is making you feel insecure. I’m sure it’s also embarrassing for you. I too would be upset if my partner was looking at young girls. I don’t mind if he occasionally checks out a female around his own age, but young girls is not appropriate at all. He really needs to address and correct this behavior as it is affecting his marriage and potentially his daughter if she has friends over as she gets older and he cannot control his impulse to stare.


  • Also……….You will be okay. Once you get some distance between you and him, you will most likely start to see him more objectively. That’s when you will see (and most likely be revolted,) by the person he is and how he treats you and other women.


  • Get out of this relationship now! You are still young and should be enjoying passion, fun and respect from a man. His lechering eyes are sickening, especially when his ED will be probably be making you feel unattractive, unwanted and lowering your self esteem. Find a man who will value your femininity, not dismiss it. He is not fulfilling your needs, It is not a fair or equitable relationship. Just because he groomed you and you have been sucked in by him for the last 17 years does not mean that he is entitled to your future. Seriously what sort of 38 year old finds that they have so much in common with a 17 year old. And he is still being lecherous with teenagers !!!!!! Saying it is a habit is a cop out and a BS excuse, Leave while you can, it is not going to get any better.


  • You poor thing. I would say to start doing it and see how he likes it but when you are talking about teens that is disgusting. Are your daughters friends safe having sleepovers at your house? I really fell for you.


  • That’s very pervy and also very wrong. He needs to stop or you need to leave! If it was just adult women I’d still be annoyed but once it goes to teenage girls that’s creepy.


  • He clearly has a problem, and I’m sorry for you but it’s his problem. It is highly inappropriate and creepy. I have a BIL who has always done the same, and he has a daughter. It has always embarrassed me and made me feel uncomfortable. It is also just one of his misogynistic, creepy traits, I’m wondering if your hubby has more. My BIL even made comments about his daughters ‘titties’ which made me cringe; has always made comments about my sister/his wife’s weight, etc. and constantly comments on others eg. a woman walking and he’ll comment on how fat she is, not that she’s walking/exercising. He has the problem, not you.


  • Start looking yourself. Once he notices, he will see how it feels to be in that situation. Then you can talk about it with him again and if things don’t get better, then maybe have a trial separation.


  • I occasionally see my hubby checking out attractive women and I don’t b really have a problem with that- I trust him completely. However, he’d never look twice at a teen. That’s gross and very unacceptable. I think it’s something you really need to confront him about.


  • All men do it, even if they say they don’t. If you don’t want to know about it just tell him that, but you’ll always know anyway, because men are so obvious.


  • My husband is not like this and honestly if I were you I’d probably think about leaving. Not necessarily over this one issue but it seems like if he has a wandering eye and ED and you are significantly younger (which makes this creepier considering you were only a teen when you both met). Your teen will have friends come over and as they hit puberty it will be awkward as he gawks them (which I’m pretty sure you know is inevitable). You are still so young and can find someone to appreciate you.
    This is very much not ok and actually when I’ve seen men do this it makes me actually feel dirty.


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