12 Answers

I am so sick of people telling me what I’m doing wrong with my parenting. Its like I’m not allowed to be frustrated, angry, annoyed or simply just over it, because he can’t help it having a diagnosis, seriously, how am I to teach him of his diagnosis is an excuse for abuse. “Don’t make your son do things that are teiggers”….. REALLY, am I meant to clean his room, put his dinner plate away, pack his washing away, let him play the play station all day, not make him stop to eat or get fresh air, because asking him to do all that is a dam trigger that drives him to rage, abuse and hurting his siblings. How is that teaching him to look after himself…? How is that teaching him to take initiative and be independent. So I’m not meant to publish him by not allowing soft drink with dinner for a week because he refuses to brush his teeth as it’s a trigger.??? Should I just let his teeth rot… ? how about getting ready for school, should I let him be a primary school drop out because putting his shoes on and packing his lunch means having shoes thrown at me, and lunch hidden in his bed, and being told im a fat sl*t and ugly C**t. How about telling me it will all work out and he will grow up and be a functioning member of Society, that he will be some one to be proud of because I tried my best to teach him right from wrong.! ask me if I’m ok, tell me I’m doing a good job and not make me doubt myself more then I already do….. Don’t tell me to not ask my son to do things that are teiggers, because if I took that STUPID advice, my son will grow up expecting everything handed to him on a platter, abusive to his partner, and probably in jail. Don’t tell me to seek counselling for him, because I have, therapy? yep, going broke with that. What about diet, well sorry, diet does jack for conduct disorder, and meds, well….. odd and conduct CAN NOT, be medicated. I AM ANGRY, I AM FRUSTRATED, I AM OVER THIS LIFE OF CONSTANT CRITICISM, I’m exhorsted

Posted anonymously, 22nd January 2021

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  • Block those people out of your life. You know what works best for you, your son and your family. Maybe those people need to spend a day in your shoes (although they probably won’t last that long). You know your son and how to handle the situation so hugs to you. You are being an awesome Mum and don’t let anyone say any different.

  • I hear you. I am in the exact same situation. It is so hard each day trying to decide which battles to fight. As you said, you can’t let him get away with things, as you know what sort of adult he will become, BUT that means that every hour is a battle. Medication and therapy don’t help, mine is high functioning ADHD/ODD, but all that means is that he uses super intelligent arguments in his outbursts! I thought that high school peer pressure would make him adjust his own behaviour in public, but no luck. So I too am completely over being judged by strangers who have NO idea of what it takes to get through a day sometimes. This includes the teachers who you can see, just think that he isn’t getting enough discipline!

    Know that YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU REALISE. You are doing great. This is not an easy situation and no-one has the tools to ever do this perfectly,

    The number #1 rule is to remember to take care of you. You can’t take care of him if you don’t take care of yourself first. If you reach your limit, you need to take a step back and try to take a break (if you can). Have a cup of tea, go outside for a minute, call a friend. I know I am worse at dealing with him when I am tired and frustrated, so I need a break to ease the situation. If you have to give him more Playstation time so that you can re-group, so be it. I often force mine to go shoot basketball hoops with me until we both calm down. Physical exercise is a great way to re-set us both.

    Like me, it sounds like you have tried everything. We’ve done it all. Diet, natural therapies, counselling, medical assessments, medication etc. Now puberty hormones are adding the the mix. Sometimes I wonder how we will get through these years AND if there will ever be a normal life for him as an adult. In the meantime, we just try to take it one day at a time and not lose ourselves to the frustrations.

    Sending you positive thoughts….

  • Wish you the best of luck for the future and I’m sure all will eventually come right for you. Good luck

  • It’s a hard road mama, but you’re honestly doing the best that you possibly can. Don’t listen to others, they don’t know best.

  • I think you teaching your child basic skills and helping around the house is a great thing. If you didn’t get them to clean up after themselves, they would turn in to slobs or spoilt bats that have everything done for them. As for the play station, limiting usage is also a great thing you are doing

  • Aw bless you ! All our kids are different, but I know from experience a little bit where you are talking about. Beside my own 2 kids we have two foster kids under a legal guardianship order. The youngest has Down syndrome and the other one is nearly 11yr old, has a Reactive attachment disorder with severe kleptomania and a conduct disorder. Many examples you describe of normal daily life expectations have been triggers for escalations here too. Including dangerous incidents and involvement of child protection. We sought psychological help since 2015 and since 2018 we started medication which made some difference. We applied for NDIS in 2018, which was initially denied, but approved after I appealed. Besides funding for psychology & OT (which takes the financial pressure away) we currently use 26hr per week support work for her and over the holidays I used 41 hour support work off the funding we received. I’m just preparing for her review and think we can do with at least tripple the amount of funding we have now. Hang in there hun, let me know if you want to chat.

  • Totally agree with you. It drives me nuts when people say ‘have you changed his diet’?! Particularly when they haven’t even seen his diet! I have found a couple of websites that I like, and some free parent summits about ADHD. But essentially they still gloss over real life. I quite like some of Seth Perler’s resources. The library might have some good books – just to see that yes you are doing things right! Really wish I could be of more support – only to say I know exactly how you are feeling.

  • You know what is best for your kids as you are the mother. I am sure you are doing a fantastic job and as hard as it is try to ignore other people’s comments try not to listen to them. Hang in there your doing your best.

  • My admiration to you for your dealing with your difficult life every day of the year, not just a day or a week, every day of the year.
    People judge others so quickly, no thought about what they’re saying can be hurtful. Some people have to learn to mind their own business.
    Good on you for speaking publicly and that will help others that feel exactly the same.
    I admire your devotion to your family.

  • You need to look for another way to communicate with your son.

  • We have two daughters with Autism and no one understands not even other parents like me, we all have different children, we have always tried to focus on what they can do and damn it if I haven’t been told I’m too tough on my girls but you know what, we have a 17 year old self Harmer and an anxiety ridden 16 year old, they are better behaved than 90% of main stream kids, people suck when they judge, you cannot possibly judge what you don’t try to understand, keep fighting super mumma we ain’t got a job meant for the weak, we’re Super mums, You are a Super mum x everyday they’re alive and well you’ve done your job! You’re Awesome!!

  • It would be totally exhausting. Yes you don’t want to trigger him but when his triggers are basic life skills I honestly don’t know what you can do!

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