10 Answers

My son 9, isn’t mine biologically. But I have raised for the past 4.5years. Our home is the only stable one he has ever had. His mother is a massive waist of oxygen and forever breaking promises. She’s on supervised contact and never shows up. Recently his birthday. She promised him a tablet, his birthday come and she didn’t even call, we called her. She said she’d be here in 2 days. My son sat outside after school for hrs waiting and she didn’t turn up. Then she called a few days later and said she’d come on th weekend. It’s come and gone, and still nothing. She then msged and said she was getting him a game th next day and will drop it off….. again, nothing, and 2 days ago, her partner, called him over to th fence at school and said they would be here that afternoon. He was so exited. NOTHING…..! DP texted her for to reply she’d buy his gift th next day. We r still waiting.
My son is adhd and odd, he is explosive and this is really affecting his impulses, even medicated. He is utterly shattered, and is taking it out on every one. Councling has done nothing. What can I do to support my son.

Posted by mom366540, 22nd October 2019

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  • I agree with the advice given by mom385887.

  • I do have to add though that no matter there is contact with the parent (with the pain it causes) or no contact, the feeling of abandonment will always remain. A child will always hunker for their biological parent and hurt and ache when that parent is not available. Often they idolise this parent even when this same person hurts them

  • Sorry to hear your sons heart is broken, but not strange when you consider what he has to deal with.
    My youngest to are permanent foster children we have under a guardianship order. My youngest was removed at birth and has T21 and my 9yr old was removed when she was 3yrs old and endured the abandonment and neglect. Initially the parents were still in the picture and were given the chance to turn their life around, in that time we encouraged and facilitated their visits. Only when they proved they couldn’t there was reason for a permanent guardianship order. With a guardianship order there are no caseworkers involved anymore, the case is closed. The order says the parents can visit the girls maximum 4 times a year, however we don’t chase these visits anymore after seeing the harmful effects it had on my 9yr old and on advise of her psychologist. The parents don’t take the initiative themselves, but they do have the right if they would want to. I’m glad the parents of our girls don’t take the initiative. Like you describe the parents promised to come and the didn’t time after time, they promised to phone and they didn’t time after time and her wee spirit got crushed time after time. My 9yr old suffers RAD and severe kleptomania, provisional conduct disorder, childhood onset type of lack of remorse or guilt and shallow or deficient affect with a history of neglect in childhood.
    We’re trying to get NDIS funding for her but it has been denied (based on the fact it’s not clear enough that her condition is permanent) and I appealed and asked for a review of their decision. However with your sons condition you have more chance to get approval for NDIS funding. I also agree with previous poster that you can get the Gp to make a Mental Health plan which can be extended with a Chronic Disease Management Plan to get part of the psychological treatment covered by Medicare. We’ve done this ourselves for many years. When we lived in Sydney we also had government funded help via the Pediatric Mental Health Team in Mt Druitt and recently we have moved to Brisbane and have government funded help via Child & Youth Mental Health Service. I also agree that OT can be great for emotion regulation as well as sensory gym.

  • Oh what an awful situation. Is his mother telling him about all these supposed presents and visits or you and your partner. If she is telling you, maybe just don’t mention it to him so that way he isnt disappointed all the time. I think going to a psychologist as a family (you him and your partner) could help but also seeing if you could get some type of court order so she cant be in contact with him and keep screwing him over. You probably have done this already, but if not, sit down with your son and speak to him about the situation as well.

  • Have you tried Occupational therapy for emotional regulation? If he has a diagnosis of adhd or ocd he may be able to receive funding from the NDiS or at least 6 sessions under the GP chronic health plan. Poor little guy, wish you all the best

  • I’m in the same boat as you my step daughter is 15 with special needs and she has been in our care for 8 years and her mother promises her the world and rarely if ever goes through with what she’s said. We’ve had psychologists intervene and she’s been told she’s not to promise things and not go through with them or to call and tell her everything she has done with her half sister making her upset that she thinks she is missing out and we are left to deal with the fallout and disappointment. We no longer allow her to answer the calls first so we field the questions and when she does talk to her the phone is always on loud speaker and in the same room as us and her mother knows this and is unable to get away with doing this.
    I can’t offer a solution but I do know that the child psychologist helped us deal with the fallouts a lot easier and gave my daughter coping mechanisms for when she is upset or thinks she’s missing out.

  • Poor child. This situation is even worse than no contact at all. :-(

  • Is there any chance you could take him to his mum, instead of sitting waiting for her to show up? In cases like this, I can understand why some people push for no contact at all ????

  • Honestly, I think that this is torture for your son and this needs to be advised to family services the repeated behaviour and how it is affecting the boy. If you need to get a psychologist involved to prove how it is traumatising your boy then do it – I personally think that the “mother” shouldn’t be allowed to have contact outside of the visitation and if she can’t make the visitations that are scheduled then after missing so many she shouldn’t have access at all. She is obviously not worthy of the love that the little boy obviously has for her and it would seem he would be so much better off without her causing all these up’s and downs. A person especially a child should not be subjected to this treatment. I honestly feel very sad for your little boy and I hope that you can get the mother to have no access to him so he can move on a grow up in your loving stable environment. I wish you both all the best.

  • This is really hard. Your compassion and love will no doubt help in the long run. I think be as stable as possible, try really hard to keep YOUR promises – and this will at least provide some help.

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