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Hi MoMs. I could do with some advice. 5 years ago, my daughter was raped, she was only 15 at the time. The whole family have had counselling and everyone seems fine now……except for me. I just can’t get it out of my head, blaming myself because I organised for her to attend the event when it happened. I just can’t get past thst I wasn’t there to protect my baby when she needed me most


Posted by mom81879, 25th November 2015


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  • Aw bless ! You are not to blame for what happened simply because you can’t protect your children 100% all the time and it wouldn’t be good if your did. If you still struggle after 5years I would get some more counseling.


  • I’m so sorry to hear that. I’ve been in your daughters situation. Believe me when I say that if you had been there she probably would have hated you for being so overprotective. I know what happened to her is absolutely dreadful but you can’t blame yourself, there or not there is nothing you could have done. Fate is cruel but what you need to focus on is showing her that she doesn’t need to dwell on the bad. Teach her to be able to go out alone with confidence. Enroll both of you in self defence classes and use it as a bonding time. And most of all, sit down and talk to her, tell her how your feeling, why you think your feeling that way and then listen to her response. You may find that she doesn’t blame you either.
    This is NOT your fault.


  • i am sorry that you all had to go through that. don’t blame yourself, blame that animal! it wasn’t your fault or your child’s! No way! it is a good idea to talk to someone just to get it out. it is hard to deal with, of course. hopefully with some support though, you can get through this and sort your emotions out. i wish you and yours the best!


  • I think you might need a little more counselling, just for you. I think what you are experiencing would be normal for a mum seeing her daughter dealing with such a awful thing. .


  • First off let me say how so sorry am but I can definitely sympathize with you this happened to my son in 2013 it has devastating effects on the whole family how to play myself my son is suffering with depression. Adjusting to u s train seek some more counselling it also depends whether that person has been charged and brought to Justice it doesn’t take away the fact what happened but at least it may give you peace of mind is behind bars.


  • you need to rememeber that this wasnt your fault and never will be your fault. when someone is raped the only person to blame is the rapist. No one else. i use to blame myself for being raped until i realsied that a rapist with attack someone anywhere and anytime they want, nothing else factors in. Noone is to blame but the rapist.


  • What a heartbreaking ordeal! I’m so sorry this has happened and I don’t even want to begin to imagine the devastating impact this has had on you and your daughter. But if anyone should be feeling guilty here perhaps it should be the parents of the friend where your daughter stayed? At 15 I would of expected they were still being reasonably supervised! You unknowingly placed your daughter in the care of others that did not provide a caring and safe environment and I know personally that when I have other people’s children in my care, regardless of age, that I do my very best to ensure they are as safe as possible. But I don’t know the full story and that statement is quite possibly too harsh because I guess no matter what measures were or weren’t taken, sadly these horrific things do still unfortunately happen regardless, because we simply cannot be there 24/7 but if anyone should be feeling guilty it should be solely on the monster that committed this heinous act and certainly not yourself hun. I’m sure you didn’t send her off that night knowing this would have or could have happened! I’m sure you are a fantastic parent who has always only ever wanted what’s best for her children and their happiness is one huge key factor in that, so at the time, you thought you were doing the right thing by fulfilling her wishes so please don’t carry the blame for this and allow this monster to continue to destroy your life! Please get more councelling so you have the opportunity to really heal too.


  • Did you press charges against the perpetrator, sounds silly but sometimes seeing justice can help with closure.
    Also keep seeing a therapist who specialises in sexual assaults, they are amazing and have some great techniques for getting past the blame game. You gotta let it go as the perpetrator is raping you metaphorically and emotionally while you let him get into your head.
    I deal with these issues as part of my job, don’t let him destroy you, you family and sanity


  • Being able to forgive yourself is important as the guilt you feel is weighing you down. We make decisions all of the time and these decisions can have various outcomes. Your ‘heart’ does sound so heavy and a counsellor would surely help? Maybe turn the guilt you are feeling into love for your daughter and enjoy every precious moment with her. Happiness can wipe out other overwhelming feelings that bring us down, acknowledge those feelings, but do not let them overtake you. All the best with this struggle. x


  • I can’t help but feel guilty. It was through an activity organised by me that all this happened. I kept her stay with a friend instead of my original plan of booking a room fir the 2 of us and staying together. But I wanted her to be happy (staying with a friend) and save myself money by not having to OK accommodation. No matter what my head says, my heart says different, it really weighs on my mind


  • Terrible acts perpetrated by ‘monsters’ do tragically happen, but do not let them define and ruin your life. Forge ahead with a positive relationship with your daughter as living your life to the very best of your ability is the best way to reclaim your power and your life. x


  • Great advice from the moms as usual and I agree but mainly I would try mom90758 advice about seeing another councillor.

    Praying you get the help you seek to over come this so you can enjoy future happiness with your daughter.


  • How terrible! I’m so sorry to hear that. This horrible experience has surely shaped your all family. I agree that you should stop blaming yourself. The blame will keep you stuck to the past, while you need to move forward. You owe it to yourself, to your daughter, to your family. Maybe you need a different type of counselling. Don’t give up!


  • This is absolutely awful and healing can be a long journey. Please see a counsellor for ongoing support.


  • MoM81879 you are being too hard on yourself. You organised for your daughter to attend the event, but you could never have known what would happen, so it’s unfair to blame yourself. Also, as horrible as her ordeal was, neither you or she should define her life by that one incident. She had a full, beautiful life before the rape, and she has a full, beautiful life ahead of her. Focus on the future and let the past stay in the past.


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