You slip out of a relaxing bath and rub your body down with that sweet-scented lotion that drives your man wild.
You cover your naked body with a silky robe and walk to the foot of the bed, staring down at the love of your life. As you let the robe slide to the floor, you give him a “come get me” smile. This is a healthy sex life before having a baby.
Compare it to what is more likely to happen after the first baby hits the cot.
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You rush out of the babies room with bags under your eyes, messy hair tied to the top of your head, and the scent of spit clinging to your shirt.
You pause in the hallway, dreaming of a hot bath but realising that you are too tired for anything but a nap.
Tiptoeing through your bedroom, you sneak into bed beside your man, hoping not to awaken the beast. As he rolls over and places a hand on your hip, you give him the “not now, honey” glare.
There are clear differences between pre-baby and post-baby sex lives, but that doesn’t mean sex goes away altogether. Regardless of how you feel right now, intimacy is something you can enjoy again.
The Truth about Your Sex Life
While you have a million valid reasons not to feel sexy as a mother, you have just as many reasons to bring sex back as soon as possible. Here are some simple truths about sex after children:
- Your body changed dramatically during your pregnancy and after the delivery, but your husband didn’t experience those physical changes. Though he loves you and tries to understand, he still has the same sexual needs that he had before the baby was born. His needs don’t erase how you feel, but they are valid needs.
- Studies have shown that there are many physical and mental health benefits to sex. Making time to kiss, cuddle and fondle your partner can help you manage stress and lower your blood pressure while strengthening your marital bond.
- Men can easily feel replaced by a new baby, especially if you are breastfeeding through the night. Not only does he need to feel included as a parent, but he needs to feel included in your personal life.
The best way to keep your man plugged into the family and ensure your marital bond remains tight is to keep sex alive in your bedroom.
There is even some evidence that intimate couples fight less, so more sex time may spare you some disharmony.
Six Steps to Sexy
Getting in the mood for sex and finding the time to shave your legs and slip into lingerie is not easy when you have children in the home, but it’s worth the effort. There are six things you can start doing today to stoke your inner fire.
Forget about the clock. Sex is no longer something that happens naturally between the sheets, especially if you are spending your nights with an infant or a toddler sleeps in your bed. Sex is now something that happens anytime and anywhere the opportunity arises. If you pay attention, you will find golden moments of opportunity.
Now that you are paying attention to those opportune moments, choose to engage your spouse intimately at least 10% of the time. If you find 10 golden opportunities this week, you should choose intimacy at least once. That means giving up the shower or the nap to cuddle with your spouse, make out like high school kids again and possibly have sex. After a couple weeks, try to move up to choosing intimacy 20% of the time.
Make time to leave the doors open. There is nothing wrong with sending the baby to grandma’s house for the night or paying a babysitter to take your toddler somewhere fun for an afternoon. This gives you the opportunity to relax, take a shower and turn off the mummy brain temporarily.
Ditch the persona of the perfect mother with the perfect house. Sometimes you have to let go of the daily schedule, let the laundry pile up and ditch the mop for some alone time with your man. The strength of your relationship and the stress relief that you get from intimacy are far more important than a shiny floor.
Find ways to bring sex into your daily life. Keep an erotic novel in the nappy bag and enjoy it whenever you have a spare moment. Touch yourself in the shower. Fantasise when you take a nap. As your mind dwells on sex more often, your body may start to awaken.
- When you can’t force it, talk to your spouse openly. If you try to take these steps but it just isn’t happening some days, don’t avoid opportunities for intimacy just because you aren’t in the mood. That is the fastest way to weaken the bond between you and your spouse and make him feel neglected. Rather than turning your back in bed, give him a kiss and tell him how you feel. Cuddle on the couch even if you aren’t going to give him the action you know he wants. He will at least know that you care and are thinking of him.
You could easily move number six up with number one. Start talking about sex and how you feel right away.
Make your return to sexy an open discussion rather than a personal struggle. This gives your partner the opportunity to support you rather than resent you.