I see this is an old question. Hopefully the situation has changed !
When I would be in a situation like you I would have a chat with the Gp and ask for an referral for psychological intervention.

Sounds like you need psychiatric intervention. No way will he be smart enough to fool and charm them

Contact Dr Phil, he has the answer for every ones problems. Keep looking for someone to help, you’re bound to find someone sooner or later

Unfortunately when two parents arnt on the same page it makes things so much worse .. I understand you walking out as U feel enough is enough but I don’t think your helping the situation .. He’s only 9 and need positive attention so try to catch him doing something good fir a change rather than only catching him when he’s not ..
When you see the slightest good behaviour ( even if it’s him sitting quietly in a waiting room )
make a big deal about it and praise him for it .. Try to ignore the other behavior .. If you focus on the good he will be wanting to do more good .. Trust me this info came from a councillor and child psyc as I had same probs with my daughter around that age ( as hard as this sound to do if you keep it up you will see the results ! ) Good luck

I would video the insolence so that professional help can see what you are dealing with day in day out. Has anything traumatic happened to spark this? Has there been a shift in his temperament that lines up with something else? I wonder if there is more going on behind that defiant anger. Keep strong, seek help for yourself, try and get some sleep so that you have the energy to get up and fight another day. Hopefully an answer is just around the corner for you.

Be strong ,firm & kind ,this is advice I’ve been given .Your the adult take charge ,sit out time but not in bedroom eg kitchen chair .Good luck .

You sound as though your whole family could do with some professional help from a councillor / psychologist before it gets worse. Patterns of behaviour do not change over night and it will take weeks sometimes months but be patient as it will be worth it in the long run if you can all get along and do what is being asked with no fuss. good luck.

I would suggest a counsellor for your depression and they may be able to help you with strategies for managing your depression and your family. Focusing on yourself initially.

Well said CYNTHEA JENKE her advice is very good I could not have said it better.
Can I say “pick your battles”. Is it really worth bringing you to tears and walking out.
My husband was not much help either it’s just that he has no idea about kids.
Try to bring your son closer to you. Get him involved in cooking dinner with you.
Make a simple fish and chip meal and a salad. Easy. Praise him. Then says that was
great helping Mummy with dinner. Ask him if he needs help with a task and you can do that together. Try lets clear up the toys together put on some music and says lets do this before the song finishes. Have some fun with it.
Have you sat him down and told him how much you love him and that sometimes
he makes you feel very sad when he behaves badly. Please do this when you are calm
and he is having a good day. You could bring this up when you are walking together or in the car.
I believe children over six years old can help decide which chores they’d prefer.
Give him a choice of two things he could do that will be his responsibility.
Maybe reward him with some pocket money that could go towards a item
he would like to buy at the shops. You will help him buy that by rewarding
him when he does the right thing. If you are suffering depression tell your
husband and take a break. Get out of the house, go to the movies or lunch
with a friend. Call a friend. You are doing a great job MUM!

Your husband needs to get on board as it’s not fair just letting you to face it all sit down and tell him how this is affecting yourself. Maybe a break for a few days might help you & make them both realise the effect it has on you. Goodluck.

I believe you should speak to a doctor and get a referral also. Good luck xo

Stick in there. Your child can get a referral to a psychologist who can work on some strategies for both of yous to cope. Theres opposite defiant disorder where no wonder what you tell them they do opposite. As a social worker ive seen this in many children so its not in your head. Use the words. Stop. Listen. Ask. And do. Break down any chores, etc into smaller steps. Also check hearing, speech, for developmental delays. Get the school to get a guidance assessment done. If behavioural at school make up a behavioural learning plan with teachers. Renew this each year.

I feel your pain as I too am in a similar situation with my 9 year old. We’ve been seeing a social worker and whilst there my daughter is so well behaved and had the social worker thinking it was all in my head. I wish I could give you some advise but it’s so difficult & I’m yet to work out a way to deal with it myself

i would suggest you talk to your doctor and get a refferal to talk to some one other than the person you are seeing. Sounds like you need some help with your son. Yes all kids rebel but this is a bit much. My son who is six sees a pshycologist this helps us greatly as i sit in on the sessions and we work out ways to manage his behaviour. Sometimes if things are bad we have a session without him to put new ways to manage him without him knowing. Over the last year he is becoming a more loveable kid and tries hard to please with the occasional outburst(every couple of days). He has also learnt how to put into words what upsetting him. We have also learnt to give him a little space at the end of the day to unwind after school before we expect anything from him eg homework etc….

I don’t believe I have the answer to your problem, but it does sound like you are doing an amazing job. Keep at it, you are his advocate – and you are doing all the right things. Good luck!