Since the birth of our son, I knew our relationship would change. My hubby looks at me with more respect & is so proud of what I have gone through to bring our son into the world (he watched the birth) but now 3 months on, he is tired, hates his job & hates the house being messy but refuses to help clean up as “I need to lean the hard way ” like how he was taught.

We have no family or good friends near us to help and the friends that are here have offered to babysit but freak out when my son cries, struggle to hold him and have never changed a nappy. Yes I will happily admit I am a messy person and I find it hard to clean as I go. I’ve tried talking to him and express my feelings in a calm way, but he really doesn’t understand.

I’m really struggling with being away from my family and friends (we moved about a year & half ago) I know it’s a huge learning period for both us becoming parents for the first time. I’m really at a loss. I feel like he doesn’t notice me, unless it’s something negative. He is an amazing man and has no problem changing baby or bathing him, he plays and chats with him as soon as he is home from work and sometimes I take him to hubby’s work for his lunch break if I know he is having a very bad day.

He basically after that says hi, we get dinner on the couch (house is too small for a table), and then he plays PS3 with my dad & his best friend (online) till he comes to bed. Sometimes we might watch a movie and on the weekends we spend time together but he hates being active as he is on his feet from 8am till 6 every work day.

Just writing this down is making me feel better, guess I just needed to vent.

Any advice will be great.

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  • Well done for venting !
    It certainly is a learning period and each of us is different and come from different backgrounds and upbringing.
    The fact that venting here helped you shows how good it is to share, so I would suggest to sit with hubby and share your feelings and listen to each other and show empathy for each others position.
    My husband wasn’t a very hands-on dad and it took baby number 2 and numerous conversations before he become a bit more supportive and willing to help to some extend

  • Wow, what a crappy situation to be in. It is a huge adjustment becoming parents. It seems as though you both need to put in more effort, less complaining and more time together

  • My husband is a very hands on dad, which is great.
    But he also like to play the Xbox or whatever it is each night. I don’t mind overly much because I get my own time to myself, and also because he doesnt go out to socialise very often.
    In regards to cleaning, we both work and we both pitch in with the house and cooking.
    When I go on maternity leave soon, it will fall to me to ensure the house is clean and tidy and dinner is on the table, which I feel is more than fair since he has to go to work each day and I get to stay home.
    I dont have any family, or very close friends here – which can be hard. But when you have kids and pets and a house to look after, then I find that I am too busy to want to socialise with anyone anyway. My husbands family are here, but we arent overly close to them. We are our only little unit and that suits us.
    I guess maybe look at things from his perspective. He is woring at home all day, and he obviously loves your child. He might resent that you get to stay home, while he has to work long hours away from his family.
    Maybe making a bit more of an effort towards having a clean and tidy house, which is something that obviously annoys him, and show him that you are trying, and that he should try harder too.
    If you find that you are lonely, and needing something to do for yourself, I suggest maybe like a mums and bubs fitness class, or something. You get to meet new people and develop friendships, and do some exercise. If that’s not your things, there are surely mothers groups, or library gatherings etc.

  • Firstly I am sorry to hear that you are having these troubles. I think communication is the biggest key in any relationship and from what you have said this has been difficult between yourself and your husband. Maybe seeking help from an outside source together as a couple & maybe individually will help. I know it is extremely tough with a newborn baby in the house (we have a 4 week old) & then you add on top other stresses, being away from family and friends etc. I can highly recommend that you speak to someone with how you are coping and do some research on tips to help your baby establish good sleep habits and during at least one of the day sleeps your baby has, have a sleep yourself and with another time do something productive (even if it is just one thing) I know easy said than done. I am going through very similar at the moment. And I know how important these things are. Many genuine warm thoughts and prayers.

  • It is so hard when a baby comes along, it’s a learning curve for us all, mostly a happy one. Sounds to me like hubby isn’t happy in his life in general and is picking at you for it. He needs to look at himself and his life, see what needs changing, what can change……and then do it. It doesn’t sound like you’re the problem here tho

  • I am going through the same thing you are and I’m finding it really hard too, but I have found talking to my partner in a calm manner explaining my issues has helped. He didn’t understand everything but he has gotten off my back about the house being messy. You need to communicate more with each other even though sometimes you may not want too but it will help and it will also give your partner an idea of how you are honestly feeling.

  • I suggest you sit together and discuss your feelings; communication is key. Good Luck!

  • communication is key make a nice dinner and sit and talk with him and discuss the option of speaking with a counsellor if you’re not happy with the outcome, he may surprise you.

  • Maybe explain to him that being a mum is s tiring and you hardly get time to clean these days open up and hopefully he will understand, compramise tell him you will try and not be as messy but he has to also pull his weight.

  • I think your partner should understand that the first few months you are basically spending all your time with this new little person as it is all new to you both. Things will get easier as he gets older & maybe on weekends get hubby to spend time looking after him while you do a few hours cleaning. Just enjoy your time with your bub as they grow so fast.

  • I’m sorry to hear that you are finding things hard. But a lot of this is quite normal bringing a baby into the world is the hardest thing in the world. Ido t have a support network either and I have three boys under the age of three it sucks at times. Being really organised is the key to having some normality and some relaxation in the relationship. You’ll need to do a chore chart and do chores over each day and do washing every dy so it doesn’t pile up hope it helps good luck xoxox

  • Im not sure I can offer my advice. My hubby used to be the same. Computer games after work and every weekend. It didn’t bother me to start but after he started ignoring the kids as the got older, I had enough. I stated my concerns and he took them on board. Things changed for the good. I don’t think his comment “you have to learn the hard way” is very nice. Come together and express your feelings.
    I cannot understand what it is like to not have a support network. Maybe consider a play group? Another idea is maybe consider day care just 1 day per week so you can get down what you need. I send my son just 1 day a week and its my day to really clean and do the groceries. If this isn’t an option, maybe a cleaning chart for yourself to help with the house.
    Its the typical adjusting phase that you both seem to be going through. If things don’t get better, remember that men can suffer from PND. If he is having issues overall with life and work then this could be something to look into. I wish all the best! Stay strong Good luck

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