How do I help my 26 year old son?

My son lives close by with his partner, his 5 year old daughter whom he has custody of (her mum lives on the other side of the country, leaving mediation half way through) and his other 2 daughters. His partner is gorgeous, she is a fantastic mum to all 3 girls, but my son is suffering depression but won’t get help. He is becoming more and more emotional, he gets cranky very fast, usually taking his frustration out at me or his partner. She does everything for him and he can be quite cruel. He asks for help at times, but then won’t do anything to help himself and he gets more and more irritable. I really want to help him, but then I know he needs to help himself first. He needs to see the doctor. He says he will go, she makes an appointment for him, then he doesn’t go. He has been getting a bit of part time work, but when he doesn’t feel like going, he just doesn’t go. If his partner doesn’t ring, then the boss doesn’t know until he just doesn’t show up.

He loves his daughters and can be a fantastic dad, he is lonely, really doesn’t have any friends, he is used by so many so called friends. My son has been to hell and back. His last girlfriend said she was pregnant, hid her pregnancy in baggy clothing. Then gave us a picture of an ultrasound, said it was a boy, they were going to name it after grandad, then at almost 9 months, she came around, said she had been in hospital and lost the baby, the baby was stillborn. I wanted to do a little ceremony in the backyard, then after a bit of concern, found out she had never been pregnant, lied to everyone. My son was devastated. He never really has got over that. He wants a son so bad as he is the last of the family line, if he doesn’t have a son to carry the name it ends with him. I don’t understand how someone can be so cruel. The scan picture was taken off the internet of an aborted baby. We all haven’t recovered as she has convinced her mother that she lost the baby at 6 months, and I have the ashes and won’t give them back. What does a person do to protect your son being tormented like that, she is a very sick girl.

She is now married with 2 kids, and he is still suffering.

Has anyone got any ideas on how I can help and/or if I should try to help or stand back.

I love all my children and grandchildren and it breaks my heart when i have any children suffering. xxx

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- - Ellen said
  - 12 Jan 2021
    9:16 am
This is a sad story and I can understand your son had to go through a period of grief. How is he doing now ?
- - mom81879 said
  - 15 Nov 2019
    10:43 pm
What an horrific time your son has had. What an awful woman to pretend she was pregnant! Positive thoughts and white light to you and your son
- - mom160421 said
  - 27 May 2016
    9:09 pm
I hope your son will seek help, for his sake and his daughters.
- - mum888 said
  - 02 Jan 2016
    1:53 pm
You are being a supportive mother you can and it is hard to sit back and think why did all this happen and there are ususally no answers. Do you think your son is still thinking about his past gf and cannot move on , because it sounds like he is living in the past and maybe traumatised by what happened . Could you suggest to him if he will go counselling if you or his partner go with him . At least he knows that he won’t be alone. Depression is a very tricky illness and if you can at least ring a support line it may give you an idea on how to deal with this issue . Hope he comes around soon .
- - mom160421 said
  - 11 Nov 2015
    5:46 pm
Sounds like you’re doing all you can. I would keep at him about seeing a doctor. He would know that you’re looking out for his best interests.
- - regine_kong said
  - 16 Oct 2015
    6:03 pm
My solution is harsh maybe but it comes from not knowing more than what you posted. Ask his partner and the girls to stay with you for a bit. His partner and you maybe should sit down with him and explain that he needs to deal with his issues. That you love him soo much but that’s why it’s better that he learns to not depend as much on you both. Tell him that he NEEDS to see a doctor and you can all move forward.
Either way whatever you decide to do to help, i hope he gets better.
- - mom81879 said
  - 17 Sep 2015
    6:07 pm
What a horrible thing to do, such a heartless act to pretend you’re pregnant…. Then to find out it wasn’t true. I really hope your son seeks help, for himself and for his daughters, he sounds like he needs it. I think he’s placing too much importance on having a son, his daughters are just as capable of carrying on the family name!
- - Naomi said
  - 31 Jul 2015
    10:51 pm
Wow. That is so tough. You sound like you have a lot of love for him. It’s even harder that there is little you can do if he doesn’t want help himself. Continue to love him unconditionally, but still set appropriate boundaries. Keep supporting his partner and help her as well! Meals, tsking the girls so she gets a break. If he ever seems open then chat to him and encourage him. XX
- - pakeko said
  - 25 Jan 2015
    9:22 pm
Wow so sorry I have no advice to give you just wanted to say no matter what stay by his side and we know you will support him no matter what
- - Tene said
  - 13 Jan 2015
    12:22 am
What a dreadful string of failed relationships and children in the mix. His current partner seems to be doing all she can to be supportive, he has you on his team as well. It really is up to him to follow through with keeping an appointment and get the help that is there if he will seek it. The other choice he has is waiting until there is an episode where he will be taken in for treatment as an intervention, if he keeps living as he is he will not regain mental health, it will only get worse. it seems to me that as his mother you can confront him with the hard facts and some tough love. He needs a reality chech and answer the big questions….what is he doing to make his life better?
How long will this current lady stick,around? What does he bring into the relationship that is positive?
When is he going to stop reliving past hurts?
When is he going to take control and make positive choices?
Depression is an illness and can be overcome, he needs to take the first step towards healing.Counseling may help or he may need medication. Is he medicating himself with
Alcohol or other drugs?
The best help you can offer is to stop whatever you are doing, he has to stand alone to recover. With you and other family going over his past hurts is not helping you are all dancing around in circles and getting nowhere. His current lady is calling in to notify when he does not feel like working…she is also enabling him to not take responsibility.his place of work may have a Counseling team, many companies do. It does seem that to you and him everyone is out of step except him! He has to stop being the victim of past events. He has to make a decision to not let past events destroy his present and his future.it is very sad to know our children go through such pain but he is not a child he is an adult as an adult he has to learn to stand on his own two feet. even if he would phone an agency such as Lifeline, and perhaps make an appointment for ongoing Counseling there. Sometimes a person has to hit rock bottom before they can crawl back and get their life back. The partner with the fake pregnancy has been so very cruel. That is such a cause of great hurt. Having a son to carry on the family name is not a priority at this time, he has to get his life together.
Has he displayed any suicidal behaviours? What you may be able to do is if he does display notions of self harm, you can take the necessary steps for intervention.you need to educate yourself of what to be looking out for in case he does become suicidal. I pray he gets the help that is there and that he makes choices to improve his life.
- - dee lindsay said
  - 07 Jan 2015
    7:45 pm
Thank you so very much for your wonderful words of wisdom. When you love your children so very much, it is so hard to see him in so much pain. Today it was my granddaughters (his middle girl) 3rd birthday. It was nice to see him smiling and laughing. He does so much for the girls. He went and bought the presents, spoils them terribly but it is something he just loves to do. He decorated the house with streamers and balloons, he is 6 foot 3 so he can reach the hard to reach places.

I had a talk with him a few days ago and said that he really needs to see the doctor, the medication will help and when there is a problem it won’t seem so bad. But not under medical care, his problems seem so much worse.

I usually do so much for them, but I have been stepping back a little bit, letting them do a few things for themselves, like making phone calls to certain people. He was too dependant on me, and due to him being so fragile, I was too worried about putting the work on them, but I think it will make both of them stronger together. I hope he sticks with this partner, i love her to bits. She is good for him.

Thank you again, I will keep you informed of what is happening. xxx
- - mom94125 said
  - 05 Jan 2015
    9:43 pm
wow so complex. definately help him! i just don’t know what to say to you because he seems so fragile and lost but i just wanted to reach out to you . he has to get the medical help that will give him his joy and life back and he needs to get counselling and talk. we really have to get past things that hurt us and move forward. i have no doubt that he loves his kids so he needs to get better so that he can be present for them. they must be missing his real laughter. his lady is remarkable and she really sounds like she is a strong woman. maybe you both need to sit down with him and talk and cry and help him to move on. i hope other ladies will be able to pitch in and give you good advice because they have more experience. good luck and i will pray for you and yours. please keep us up-dated and i really hope that you can help him. it does sound like he wants help but then is afraid to actually get it. it might just be a male thing of not wanting to have to accept or ask for help but it surely is NOTHING to be ashamed of and no-one in your real life has to know that he is getting help. (in case he doesn’t want to be embarrassed.)