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Forum What are your thoughts?

Posted anonymously, 12th April 2024

13 Replies

Hi all.

I’m so torn! My husband and I are in our early 40’s have been together for over 18 years. Our sex life has never been great. He suffers from ‘performance anxiety’ which has never helped things. And isn’t overly emotional. He even needed to take viagra to help him perform when we were ttc #2. We haven’t been intimate in ANY WAY in well over two years, though I am pretty sure it’s been longer than that. I think he has given me one passionate (barely) kiss during that time. I have never really felt connected with him during intimacy. But, I think that has a lot to do with his lack of confidence and well, seemingly lack of experience. I think my ex might have put the bar a little high ???? I have brought up our lack of intimacy and he casually said he didn’t think it was a problem. I told him my feelings. That resulted with him buying a box of Viagra which has sat in his drawer for more than a year. He doesn’t even make an attempt to give me any kind of intimacy.

Over the time we have been together, he has gained more and more weight and I just have no attraction to him. I just feel sad and empty. We should have a great sex life! But, it just feels like we’re house mates that sleep in the same bed. About October-September of last year I told him I wanted him to organise a romantic date night for us. His initial response was to ask “Why?!”. Then, after a few words from me, he said yes. I’m still waiting for that date! At the beginning of last year, we had a new staff member start. We chatted, as you do and got to know each other through general chit chat as normal people do. I didn’t realise it initially but, the banter between us got, I suppose you could say a little inappropriate at times. I did realise that we were flirting with each other with our banter. I began feeling excited (the butterfly feeling) but, like I was betraying my husband when I knew I would be working with this person. I could feel the tension between myself and my co-worker whenever we worked together. I know I enjoyed the attention. I am sure the feeling was mutual. There was one day I was venting to this same co-worker about my husband when he asked why don’t I just leave him. I said I can’t, it’s just not that easy. It was about a week after this when he told me he requested to be transferred elsewhere. He told me he’d had a meeting with head office and explained what was going on (he had some personal issues at the time). I thought he was talking about his issues. A couple of days later, one staff member, followed by another said he had left because he ‘liked’ someone in the workplace. I miss the banter with him (my husband just doesn’t have the devilish humour I have).

I don’t know exactly what I am after with this post. I guess I just feel lost, stuck and lonely. And, after other people’s thoughts.

Thank you if you got this far.


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  • We need to swap partners!!! ???? I’m keen if you are

  • Please take time and speak to your husband because the grass isn’t any greener on the other side. You might think it is but from experience it isn’t. Being in a relationship isn’t just about sex. There has to be more to it than that. You definitely have to try and get him to understand how you’re feeling and maybe suggest getting some help from a marriage counsellor to sort things out. Sex isn’t everything in a relationship.

  • Starting a relationship with someone else is not the answer. I would strongly recommend getting some counselling together. It’s not just about the sex. Intimacy is so much more about trust and nurturing each other.

  • This context makes a lot more sense. Spouses must fulfill each other’s intimacy needs. l am not sure how to make him do this, but an emotional affair is never the answer.
    Wyld man maybe?

  • Regaining intimacy often starts with engaging with the person in a non pressure situation and moving on from there. Engaging in activities that are fun and bring joy can help with reconnecting.

  • I would make an effort to show you’re interested in him in area’s other then sex and intimacy

  • Support services for the relationship might help in this situation in navigating the relationship and unpacking the issues and finding some workable outcomes.

  • I’d work harder on planning regular dates, not simply mentioning it.

  • Personally I think live is not all about sex, there are many other ways you can connect and I would focus first on that. This could be through anything; jusy sharing about your day, your jobs, your thoughts, watching a movie together, have a bush walk together, go out for a drink, etc

  • I’m sorry, this must be a really hard situation to be in. As others have recommended, couples therapy could help. Finding tools to communicate and clearly state what your expectations are from each other. Find out what each of your love languages are, and making sure your husband knows that yours need to be met. This is if you feel your marriage is worth continuing. If not, you need to be honest with how you have felt and take appropriate steps forward. You deserve to feel fulfilled, and life is short. Wishing you the best.

  • I am so sorry to hear about your situation, I would recommend seeing someone to talk through all of this and see what they can offer and suggest.

  • I feel incredibly sad for you. Intimacy and affection is so important. I wonder how you can still be together after so long? It sounds very boring and like you are quite unhappy. Personally to me it sounds like you need to go your seperate ways. Perhaps sharing that you are losing feelings could provoke him to put in a little bit more effort.. hopefully. You deserve to be happy and you deserve affection. I couldn’t be with someone that long without being intimate I feel like I’m losing my mind after a few weeks without it.

  • This sounds incredibly difficult and draining. It’s okay to feel lost and lonely, and it might be helpful to consider individual therapy or couples counselling to navigate these complex emotions and decisions.

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