Beautiful MoM community you might need a cup of tea for this one, sorry in advance for the novel!
For my husband’s 40th birthday I bought him a car- nothing fancy mind you. But just something that he had wanted.
He absolutely LOVED it. But then soon after he had to drive my dad’s car somewhere and he noticed that my dad was driving a vehicle that was on death row- I mean if a car could be on death row, that’s most certainly where it was.
Anyway, my husband told me that he wanted to give the car I had just bought him, to my dad. I freaked out- because it had taken me a lifetime to save for a 40th birthday present and I told him that as lovely as the gesture was I just didn’t feel right about it… even though it was for my dad.
My husband insisted that my dad’s car was dying and convinced me that we HAD to give it to my dad.
So that’s what we did- although it wasn’t easy to do because my dad was super scared to take it as he didn’t want to upset my mum (she doesn’t like ANYONE having ANYTHING).
He only took it after my kids repeated what I had said to them- I told them that they were NEVER allowed to be nasty and miserable like my mum about anyone else’s good fortune (after he initially told us that he couldn’t accept the car as he didn’t want to make my mum mad).
It’s now FOUR MONTHS LATER and my dad hasn’t driven the car ONCE because he’s scared of my mum- she stopped talking to all of us once she noticed that the car was parked at my dad’s house (she stalks my dad and myself regularly).
Not only have the calls stopped- but she no longer forces him to take her to work anymore (although they’re divorced she would get him to drive from his house to hers and then to work and back home again, even though she has a license and multiple cars… it’s a control thing… and although my dad should count his blessings that he’s out of that vicious cycle he’s more worried about it than anything else).
In addition to this, she decided not to wish my 12 year old for his birthday this month. Sure he’s got severe brain damage so one could argue that he doesn’t know what’s going on… but I know (not that I cared because hearing from my mum is NEVER a good thing AND she’s the type of person to drop in on my children’s birthdays with dirty laundry for me to wash, dry, fold and have ready in time for when she’s leaving… one of my previous MoM topics).
That was the final straw for my dad though and now he wants to give the car that I bought for my husband, TO MY MUM- just so that she talks to us again!
Honestly I’m happier without her! Her never ending abuse is something I honestly can live without… but my dad only cares about her happiness and keeping the peace.
If you’ve got this far PLEASE guide me? I am so so SO very lost! I really can’t believe that we’re even in this position!
Of course I understand that once you give someone something it’s up to them what they do with it. Regifting is real- but this is so much more than a “regift” though! It feels like giving in to a terrorist! This woman is playing mind games to get what she wants because it’s worked for her SO OFTEN in the past (she’s taken two cars off him before) and now she wants it to work with this car- except I can’t accept it no matter how I look at it.
What would you do? Would you potentially damage your relationship with your dad and tell him that if he doesn’t want it that he has to just give it back? Or cut your losses, suck it up and simply learn the life lesson from this emotionally damaging mistake?
I know that at the end of it all, I really need to get out of this toxic relationship. I’ve expressed to my husband how much past trauma this is bringing up for me. All I need is someone who has experience with a mum like mine to please tell me how they got themselves out of it… because often real life experience is more relatable than therapy sessions- not to mention less time consuming.
Thank you all in advance and wishing you and your family good health xxoo