A letter to my twin on your 3 year angelversary.
Dear Ta Ta,
It’s 3 years ago since your had that massive seizure and became as free as a bird. Free from your body that was not perfect and gave you so many restrictions and frustration. You are now free!
I miss everything about you. I miss your laugh, I miss your stubbornness, I miss watching you eat breakfast in the morning, I miss hearing you chew loudly, I miss painting your nails and laughing with you when you are doing “Yoga”.
I miss hearing dad say good night to you in his silly ways, and when we were kids dad would get in trouble because he would make you laugh, each and every time just before you went to sleep. I miss seeing you with mum, brushing your long hair when you were young or dressing you, right till the end and being so thankful for her years of dedication being your carer.
I miss coming to visit you in Tassie, sitting in your “sun room” and listening to the yellow coloured birdie tweet each morning and sing your songs with you . I miss stealing your clothes while I visited. I lived in the tropics and you lived where it snowed and I didn’t own many socks or trackies dacks so I just wore your clothes while I visited. Hey, we were twins- we shared everything!
Hey, one things that is pretty cool, since I lost weight, I now have size smaller feet! Size 9 feet! Like you! How crazy is that! So I maybe could wear your shoes now too! All those years I had big fat feet so couldn’t steal your flats!
It’s been 3 years since you unexpectedly and suddenly passed away and the pain is just as deep as when it first happened.
So many things have happened in the past 3 years since you left us, but so many times I’ve wondered if you’re still around. There have been plenty of times that I’ve though.. There is no doubt! Or I’m just going a little crazy!
You didn’t have the chance to be an aunty while you were with us, and you would be so excited to rub my belly right now. I’ve spent my fair share of time speaking to you in the middle of the night and speaking to little fella in my belly- wishing you were all here at the same time and at the same place. I’ve had just an issue free pregnancy, I’m sure you have something to do with my good luck with having no sickness at all! Thank you for always looking out for me.
I can imagine your excitement of knowing that I’m having a baby right now. You would be such a fantastic aunty and most of all you would be such a role model for my son. Just like all of the important lessons you taught me in life growing up with a sister in my life that had a special way of living. You taught us so many things. You taught us to be kind, to enjoy the simply things in life and to be thankful for what we do have, not for what we don’t. We have so many Elmo’s- just like the one that is still on your bed. We want the world to have lots of laughter, just like all the joy you gave to us.
Oh Tara, I’d dedicated so many little moments of my life to you. Before and after your death. From when I ran in an Council election: I used your favourite colours of purple and yellow, when I rode my bike 300km for a fundraiser- there was a time when I felt like I couldn’t make it up the hill…I wanted to quit. So many quiet times, so many candles… lit in your honour.
I just focused on all of your struggles and how dare I quit! So many times you have appeared in my dreams- however over the years, less and less. Last time was in July on our birthday. Please come visit me in my dreams again. I promise I won’t cry anymore when you appear.
I’ve always admired you and all of your dedication. I use it as my motivation in my life, now and always.
Recently a family member saw me since I lost weight and when I took my glasses off, he looked twice at me and said, “My goodness you look so much more like Tara these days.” That statement filled my heart with joy. Anything to keep your memory alive.
Tara, I grieve for all of the future moments and special times in my son’s life that you won’t be physically here. I’m 31 weeks pregnant now, little fella is so active- keeping me up at night and I daydream about the conversations I’ll have with my little fella about how remarkable his aunty was and how much you motivated me to succeed, throughout my entire life.
Now more than ever. I’ve chosen a name for my son very close to your name Tara; I look forward to the day I’ll explain to him why I’ve chosen a name, starting with “Ta” and showing him videos of us and look forward to taking him to our mum’s house and taking him into your room and a little bit of me is hoping, that you will show us a sign you are around. It will be such a bittersweet moment.
I speak about you often because I’m so god dam proud of you as my twin, I guess I feel this urgency to keep your memory alive. It’s my duty as your twin. Some people might take that the wrong way- but its how I choose to grieve your loss and honour your life and what you gave us while you were here.
We have a bench in your honour at the botanical gardens and the amount of times I’ve listened to your favourite Missy Higgins and Pink songs… I’m still not sick of hearing those same songs over and over, no matter how many times I have listened to them.
Using the song words of one of your favourite singers, Kate Millier Heidke:
The One Thing I Know:
The one thing, I know to be true, I’ll never, wherever I go, I’ll never finish loving you.
I’ve learnt to constantly remind myself not not be so hard on myself, to celebrate the small wins and to value self care.
Some ways I positively take self-care time.
If you’re a writer, write – it could be an article, an anecdote, a story, a poem, a song, a letter, an obituary or a eulogy. If you don’t want to write for someone else, keep a private journal and write about your feelings as you journey through your grief.
Plant a tree, bush, shrub, garden or flower bed as a permanent growing memorial to your beloved. Mark the site with a memorial plaque, marker, bench or statue. We have a bench at a botanical garden with Tara’s name and quote.
Buy a very special candle, decorate it and light it in honour of your loved one. When I need some “Tara time” I light a candle and sometimes when I wish she was sitting next to me at dinner time- I light one and place it at the table.
Another great Idea I read recently was purchase a book, — on coping with the loss of a loved one, and donate it to your local library or school. Place a label inside the front cover inscribed “In memory of [your loved one’s name].”
Write a special note, letter, poem, wish or prayer to your beloved.
Celebrate the life of your loved one by continuing favourite traditions, singing and dancing to their favourite songs or eating their favourite foods.
Know that oftentimes the anticipation of an anniversary date is worse than the actual day.
Identify those days, events and seasons that are likely to intensify and rekindle your pain, and build comfort and healing into them. Plan what you’re going to do ahead of time, even if you plan to be alone.
Let your friends and relatives know in advance which days and events are significant for you. Verbalize your needs and include them in your plans. They may be very willing to help, but need for you to tell them how.
Posted by mom177641, 22nd March 2016