Today I came across a brilliant article which addressed the subject of pornography in married life. Over the years I have come to find that there isn’t really that much information out there on porn addiction nor where to seek help or even support groups for the victims in a porn fuelled relationship.
Pornography remains a subject which many of us still feel somewhat uncomfortable to talk to our friends and family about, let alone seek out help or support when we suspect our partners may have an addiction to it.
For myself personally it hasn’t merely been the embarrassment or disgust but the feeling that I had brought this on my marriage. Almost as though I wasn’t good enough or that I was doing something wrong.
It truly lowered my self esteem, especially after childbirth and the changes a mother’s body goes through my husband’s lust for porn left me in a state of complete disillusionment.
I felt so hurt and confused even after numerous discussions with him over the course of many, many years we still never reached any solution or resolved the problem.
We were just kids when we started dating. Even then I knew he had a problem, however I assumed that it was simply something which a majority of young men delved into at that age. He did promise that if ever we got married that he would stop.
Of course I believed him, as one does when they are very young, foolish and deeply in love. We met in primary school. Started dating in high school. Got married in our mid twenties. And are now in our early thirties, married for six years with four little ones.
The addiction to pornography remains the same, or it could be stronger than ever before- I just don’t know. And there in lies the magic. I “don’t know” because I no longer care.
With time I have come to realise that his problem isn’t a reflection of myself. I am not doing anything wrong. I am not too fat nor too ugly and sure after four vaginal deliveries my reproductive system isn’t exactly what it used to be- but it doesn’t have to be in order to have the love and respect of ones partner.
I have no control over my husband, nor his life choices. However I do have an impact on the way my children are raised. Their own morals and values. And perhaps with a bit of luck, even if my husband never realises how degrading his actions have been over the years, maybe our children might be willing to learn from his mistakes and form a generation of respectful human beings who are empathetic as well as loyal.
It was incredibly revolting to read about pornography in the Oscar Pistorius case:
The following link however is what inspired me to post my own article:
To anyone reading this who is in a similar situation, just know that it isn’t your fault. Don’t blame yourself for actions which your partner makes of their own free will.
Posted by someonesmother, 21st March 2014