Today I came across a brilliant article which addressed the subject of pornography in married life. Over the years I have come to find that there isn’t really that much information out there on porn addiction nor where to seek help or even support groups for the victims in a porn fuelled relationship.

Pornography remains a subject which many of us still feel somewhat uncomfortable to talk to our friends and family about, let alone seek out help or support when we suspect our partners may have an addiction to it.

For myself personally it hasn’t merely been the embarrassment or disgust but the feeling that I had brought this on my marriage. Almost as though I wasn’t good enough or that I was doing something wrong.

It truly lowered my self esteem, especially after childbirth and the changes a mother’s body goes through my husband’s lust for porn left me in a state of complete disillusionment.

I felt so hurt and confused even after numerous discussions with him over the course of many, many years we still never reached any solution or resolved the problem.

We were just kids when we started dating. Even then I knew he had a problem, however I assumed that it was simply something which a majority of young men delved into at that age. He did promise that if ever we got married that he would stop.

Of course I believed him, as one does when they are very young, foolish and deeply in love. We met in primary school. Started dating in high school. Got married in our mid twenties. And are now in our early thirties, married for six years with four little ones.

The addiction to pornography remains the same, or it could be stronger than ever before- I just don’t know. And there in lies the magic. I “don’t know” because I no longer care.

With time I have come to realise that his problem isn’t a reflection of myself. I am not doing anything wrong. I am not too fat nor too ugly and sure after four vaginal deliveries my reproductive system isn’t exactly what it used to be- but it doesn’t have to be in order to have the love and respect of ones partner.

I have no control over my husband, nor his life choices. However I do have an impact on the way my children are raised. Their own morals and values. And perhaps with a bit of luck, even if my husband never realises how degrading his actions have been over the years, maybe our children might be willing to learn from his mistakes and form a generation of respectful human beings who are empathetic as well as loyal.

It was incredibly revolting to read about pornography in the Oscar Pistorius case:

http://www.the guardian.com/world/2014/mar/19/reeva-steenkamp-standing-toilet-oscar-pistorius-fire

The following link however is what inspired me to post my own article:


To anyone reading this who is in a similar situation, just know that it isn’t your fault. Don’t blame yourself for actions which your partner makes of their own free will.

Posted by someonesmother, 21st March 2014

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  • I think this really depends on the extent – a look now and then isn’t a problem, but extensive use or hardcore stuff is.


  • I’m not sure I can see watching pornography as being a problem. Then again, I’ve never known someone who is an addict. I suppose if he’s paying for it, neglecting other parts of his life, then it could get annoying


  • wow i know that you can feel like you are not enough but obviously he loves you, he just needs help to get over his addiction!


  • Thanks for sharing your story. I can’t stand pornography. It destroys people’s views of healthy relationship, sets false expectations. It’s addictive like gambling… How is that healthy? I’m so glad you recognise the issue isnhar on you. I know this was posted a while ago but I hope you still believe that. What a tricky road for you.


  • great exellent


  • hmmm, very interesting point of view, quite thought provoking


  • its good to remember that porn as an adult can be part of a healthy sex life, but as with everything it needs to be in moderation


  • Im glad to hear that you have realised it is not you that has the problem. I would hate to be in this situation and hopefully he’ll realise how horrible it is. I don’t know if you have any daughters but i don’t know how men don’t look at women with more respect when they have daughters of their own…


  • Hmm.. I just thought all men watched porn.. But I also think the word ‘addiction’ is used way way too much nowadays!


  • I’ve never had to deal with anything like this before, but I’m very happy for you that you’ve come to realise that it’s not your problem, it’s his. I can only imagine how hard that sort of thing would be to deal with.


  • This is such an incredibly well written and raw story. Thank you. You’re absolutely right in saying that his actions aren’t a reflection on you, but it takes a lot of insight and maturity to reach that point. Congratulations. It sounds as though you are an amazing woman and mother.


  • People who indulge so frequently in porn live in a fantasy world and aren’t very in touch with their inner selves. I was listening to a radio program that I would love all men to have heard. It was about a former porn producer who had seen the light and was now going around informing people of the truly bad things that happen in the industry. One of the things that came up was how they do gazillions of cuts and then piece the cuts together to make a movie. The poor girls are when moaning with please inwardly wanting it all to end after a 20 minute take. The other issue a lot of those ladies have had plastic surgery on their labias and vaginal area, as well as plastic everything else. At the end of the day DO NOT thing there is anything wrong with you! I felt the same after the birth of my son and the changes to my body. You start to doubt yourself. I now know that everyone is beautiful in their own way and giving birth to four children is the most beautiful thing a woman can do :) xxx


  • o that is really interesting thanks


  • it is often a taboo topic that people don’t want to discuss so good on you for raising this important issue and sharing your story.

    • I agree; a topic that is worth discussion.


  • oh wow thats interesting mmm


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