Pornography.com - Real Mum story on MoM

21 Comments

Today I came across a brilliant article which addressed the subject of pornography in married life. Over the years I have come to find that there isn’t really that much information out there on porn addiction nor where to seek help or even support groups for the victims in a porn fuelled relationship.

Pornography remains a subject which many of us still feel somewhat uncomfortable to talk to our friends and family about, let alone seek out help or support when we suspect our partners may have an addiction to it.

For myself personally it hasn’t merely been the embarrassment or disgust but the feeling that I had brought this on my marriage. Almost as though I wasn’t good enough or that I was doing something wrong.

It truly lowered my self esteem, especially after childbirth and the changes a mother’s body goes through my husband’s lust for porn left me in a state of complete disillusionment.

I felt so hurt and confused even after numerous discussions with him over the course of many, many years we still never reached any solution or resolved the problem.

We were just kids when we started dating. Even then I knew he had a problem, however I assumed that it was simply something which a majority of young men delved into at that age. He did promise that if ever we got married that he would stop.

Of course I believed him, as one does when they are very young, foolish and deeply in love. We met in primary school. Started dating in high school. Got married in our mid twenties. And are now in our early thirties, married for six years with four little ones.

The addiction to pornography remains the same, or it could be stronger than ever before- I just don’t know. And there in lies the magic. I “don’t know” because I no longer care.

With time I have come to realise that his problem isn’t a reflection of myself. I am not doing anything wrong. I am not too fat nor too ugly and sure after four vaginal deliveries my reproductive system isn’t exactly what it used to be- but it doesn’t have to be in order to have the love and respect of ones partner.

I have no control over my husband, nor his life choices. However I do have an impact on the way my children are raised. Their own morals and values. And perhaps with a bit of luck, even if my husband never realises how degrading his actions have been over the years, maybe our children might be willing to learn from his mistakes and form a generation of respectful human beings who are empathetic as well as loyal.

It was incredibly revolting to read about pornography in the Oscar Pistorius case:

http://www.the guardian.com/world/2014/mar/19/reeva-steenkamp-standing-toilet-oscar-pistorius-fire

The following link however is what inspired me to post my own article:

http://mobile.stayathomemum.com.au/my-lifestyle/relationships/porn-addicts/

To anyone reading this who is in a similar situation, just know that it isn’t your fault. Don’t blame yourself for actions which your partner makes of their own free will.

Posted by someonesmother, 21st March 2014

21 Comments

- - BellaB said
  - 12 May 2016
    7:29 pm
I think this really depends on the extent – a look now and then isn’t a problem, but extensive use or hardcore stuff is.

- - mom81879 said
  - 21 Sep 2015
    5:54 pm
I’m not sure I can see watching pornography as being a problem. Then again, I’ve never known someone who is an addict. I suppose if he’s paying for it, neglecting other parts of his life, then it could get annoying

- - mom94125 said
  - 20 Jun 2015
    2:56 pm
wow i know that you can feel like you are not enough but obviously he loves you, he just needs help to get over his addiction!

- - mom110650 said
  - 23 May 2015
    9:04 pm
Thanks for sharing your story. I can’t stand pornography. It destroys people’s views of healthy relationship, sets false expectations. It’s addictive like gambling… How is that healthy? I’m so glad you recognise the issue isnhar on you. I know this was posted a while ago but I hope you still believe that. What a tricky road for you.

- - mom113055 said
  - 05 Apr 2015
    11:46 am
great exellent

- - GeoEllie said
  - 31 Jan 2015
    6:26 pm
hmmm, very interesting point of view, quite thought provoking

- - stepmom107932 said
  - 31 Dec 2014
    2:47 pm
its good to remember that porn as an adult can be part of a healthy sex life, but as with everything it needs to be in moderation

- - coppin85 said
  - 30 May 2014
    8:20 pm
Im glad to hear that you have realised it is not you that has the problem. I would hate to be in this situation and hopefully he’ll realise how horrible it is. I don’t know if you have any daughters but i don’t know how men don’t look at women with more respect when they have daughters of their own…

- - christial said
  - 30 Apr 2014
    9:40 pm
Hmm.. I just thought all men watched porn.. But I also think the word ‘addiction’ is used way way too much nowadays!

- - amandaks said
  - 29 Apr 2014
    1:07 pm
I’ve never had to deal with anything like this before, but I’m very happy for you that you’ve come to realise that it’s not your problem, it’s his. I can only imagine how hard that sort of thing would be to deal with.

- - aussiemum said
  - 09 Apr 2014
    10:15 am
This is such an incredibly well written and raw story. Thank you. You’re absolutely right in saying that his actions aren’t a reflection on you, but it takes a lot of insight and maturity to reach that point. Congratulations. It sounds as though you are an amazing woman and mother.

- - hopefullyheidi said
  - 05 Apr 2014
    10:17 pm
People who indulge so frequently in porn live in a fantasy world and aren’t very in touch with their inner selves. I was listening to a radio program that I would love all men to have heard. It was about a former porn producer who had seen the light and was now going around informing people of the truly bad things that happen in the industry. One of the things that came up was how they do gazillions of cuts and then piece the cuts together to make a movie. The poor girls are when moaning with please inwardly wanting it all to end after a 20 minute take. The other issue a lot of those ladies have had plastic surgery on their labias and vaginal area, as well as plastic everything else. At the end of the day DO NOT thing there is anything wrong with you! I felt the same after the birth of my son and the changes to my body. You start to doubt yourself. I now know that everyone is beautiful in their own way and giving birth to four children is the most beautiful thing a woman can do xxx
- mom93821 replied
  
  07 Jan 2015 , 9:59 am
  I agree; it is a very dark industry.
  - mom57522 replied
    
    10 Jan 2015 , 10:18 pm
    
    Dark, creepy and not very real.
- - fatheroffaprincess said
  - 31 Mar 2014
    8:22 pm
o that is really interesting thanks

- - kathryn said
  - 28 Mar 2014
    4:14 pm
it is often a taboo topic that people don’t want to discuss so good on you for raising this important issue and sharing your story.
- mom93821 replied
  
  10 Jan 2015 , 7:03 am
  I agree; a topic that is worth discussion.
- - mummy liana said
  - 25 Mar 2014
    10:32 pm
oh wow thats interesting mmm

- - arcticwynta said
  - 25 Mar 2014
    1:45 pm
I have a friend and her partner has heaps of porn I often get calls from her upset when she comes down from bed and finds him with his porn even when she has asked for sex and been turned down. She felt it was her and all I could tell her is she is fantastic and a great Mum and partner and is doing nothing wrong and that I was sure it was an addiction like many other things so in the end she sat down with him and told him ok but these are the only type of porn subjects that was allowable and she has learnt to live with it. He was always trying to give my Hubby porn be we are a porn free house hubby does not like it and I will not have have it in my house around my kids and Grandkids but did have a friend that stayed with us once and he knew if you brought it into my house it will not leave the same way…he put his DVD on and I was in the kitchen when I came into the lounge room while he was laughing at me I calmly popped the DVD out and broke it into bits in front of him. He soon stopped laughing. But this is me and my personality and I am the boss in my house lol. All I can say is keep your communication open with your partner and may be say ok only this type and how about only this many times in a week fortnight month type thing but just remember it has nothing to do with any thing about you it is his problem

- - yyon4699 said
  - 22 Mar 2014
    6:16 pm
Hmm… I literally don’t know what to say

- - jodie80 said
  - 21 Mar 2014
    8:59 pm
I wish i could answer you with out displaying my user name. Man are very different to women. Men need to have sex basically a man produces sperm this presses on a gland in the back of this umm balls and sends messages to the perturital gland in the brain making him horney.. In return making him have an erection. This happens every day and can not be controlled unless the man releases his sperm. To women this is yukky and horrible to men its human nature. Every woman will look at this in a different way some will get upset and think their not pretty enough. Other men are deep in thought and there for never get caught. Unless a man is getting sex every day there is not other way to control his erections than to look at porn. or think of it.