Those words don't make me feel better

10 Comments

Do you remember that day? when you found out that there was a tiny little bundle of arms and legs growing away inside of you? I do. I remember it with absolute clarity. I remember showing my husband the little stick with those two amazing magical lines and he asking me “they are pink, is it a girl?”
Suddenly, without it being something I had really considered except as something to do in the future, I was about to become a mum. And I wanted it, more than I wanted anything else. It became something I lived and breathed every second. I was in a permanent state of bliss and excitement.
Until one day. When the hospital staff look at you gravely and say “i’m sorry”. Everything changes in that split second.
For me personally, this was 4 times as bad…because I had to listen to the doctor say those words about 4 of my babies.
But those weren’t the worst words. The worst ones are the ones from your friends and family, who truly mean it with the best of intentions. But they utter those words “it was meant to be” “there must have been something wrong”.
Nope, sorry. Telling me my baby must have been deformed and that is why it died, that is not helping.
I was probably even one of those people before my experiences.

And this story, is as much to say PLEASE do not say those words to a family member or friend, just tell them you are sorry for their loss, as it is to say DO NOT give up hope. Even after genetic testing on myself and two babies, there was no cause found.
My husband and I are the VERY proud parents of an amazing little boy. Master 5 (nearly 6!). Sometimes, after all the heartache, comes the joy x

Posted by Tinarh, 4th May 2016

10 Comments

- - babymumma said
  - 17 Sep 2020
    12:24 pm
So heartbreaking, I am so sorry about everything you have gone through. I recently lost a baby and never realised until now how uncomfortable it makes other people talking about it. The minimal family and friends that I told in hopes they would send support had no clue what to do or say and just said “it’s ok” or the worst one “at least you know you can get pregnant”. My heart is still heavy but I am so grateful for my earth side babe that graced us with her presents last year. Sending love your way.

- - mom81879 said
  - 11 May 2016
    6:48 pm
I never know what to say so I tend to just be there. Helping out with housework and cooking, passing the Kleenex when needed. Not sure if it helps, but it’s better then opening my mouth and blurring some thoughtless crap
- Tinarh replied
  
  11 May 2016 , 8:53 pm
  MoM81879..that is the perfect thing to do ☺
- - rachelvk said
  - 10 May 2016
    8:48 pm
It can be difficult to know what to say. Thank you for sharing your experience.

- - BellaB said
  - 07 May 2016
    4:42 pm
“Everything happens for a reason” – another appalling thing to say to someone who’s grieving.

- - mum4107 said
  - 07 May 2016
    6:17 am
I’m so very sorry for the loss of your babies.
I found that worse thing me I lost my baby was when people said, it wasn’t meant to be.

- - mom56312 said
  - 06 May 2016
    10:16 pm
There are no words that can take the pain away it doesnt matter if you have given birth in the end or not i have all the words thrown at me when it wasnt. a misscarage.. My child lived for 40 hours before he passed away…. The nerve of the uneducated person… There are not alawys answers to heart ache but just know you are not alone… All i can say is if you have the strength to try again after loss a dream can ome true… I have had three kids since ( not without stress in the process).. God luck to you in the future….

- - Tinarh said
  - 06 May 2016
    9:17 pm
Thank you. I think, at the end, all I wanted was to give hope to those in my situation

- - mom176887 said
  - 06 May 2016
    10:17 am
A beautiful ending for you and some sound advice on hope and what not to say.

- - mom90758 said
  - 04 May 2016
    1:30 pm
I understand what you are saying. And I agree with you. Instead of saying those words, better not say anything. It’s really painful to lose a baby.
I’m glad you could become a mum at the end. And I’m sorry about all the miscarriages you had.