Hello!

15 Answers

MY adult daughter who is 23 years old still living at home with us but she now has a boyfriend so she comes and goes 4 days staying at his house and and other 3 days at home with us. And it’s driving me nuts I have tried to talk to her about it but you know goes in one ear and out the other as they say. I don’t know how she can live like this.


Posted by Umbrellas27, 23rd April 2020


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  • If the problem is that she is living between houses in my opinion I don’t think its a big deal. It’s very normal for someone her age to be living with their parents in one house and partner in another.
    The best thing you can do it explain what the problem is and how you can work around it or come to an agreement. My partner and I did this too for a few months before we could afford to live together on our own. I also know people who are still doing this. They will live at one persons house during the week then go to the others over the weekend. It’s good they still want to spend time with their families and not just be alone together 100% of the time.


  • is it the living between 2 houses which bothers you?


  • This is completely normal for someone her age and she is testing the waters. I would prefer that the kids feel there is a safe home to come to if things don’t work out. Give it time. Do talk to her and tell her you feel nuts as you put it… but tell her you love her but just need some confirmation as to her relationship. Where are they at. I know plenty of parents demands turned disastrous and the kids left and never looked back. Swinging doors might not be your thing just let her know if she leaves to try out the relationship she can or can not come home again. She might be thinking she is pleasing you by having one foot in both camps.


  • Sorry I don’t understand the issue either? Is it that you want her to completely move out? I am a bit confused?


  • This is the way they are now and she is going to stay with boyfriend and I think that is why it is driving you nuts not knowing if she is home for tea or not.
    I think it is time you brought in some rules and make her pay you board even if she is not home it doesn’t change it is a set price. If your not happy with it tell her she has not move out if it is going to continue as you don’t like it be honest with her, but you might loose her as kids can do it now. She thinks she is a adult and can do what she wants when she wants and also make her do chores she will not like that but say as long as she is under the roof these are the rules that she has to help you. I hope this has helped as my sister had to live with me and she had a boyfriend and did nothing to help me and I had young children and I know it was hard living with us as she had no privacy and neither did I.


  • Our daughter moved back home for a short while a couple of years ago, after living on her own for a few years. I found it too much when she would come and go at all hours, disappear for days at a time with no word, sometimes bringing the boyfriend back to stay. Safe to say, her return home was a brief one. She was set in her ways of being able to please herself, making it difficult for her to conform to rules when living with other people.


  • I don’t understand the dilemma. My son and his finance have been doing this for two years and I think it’s quite nice that they still want to live with their families. It works for us and them.


  • I’m not entirely sure what the problem is. This is completely normal for someone her age.
    The circumstances are also unclear which makes it hard to give you advice. If she is paying you rent and putting in for living expenses then you need to treat her like a renter, which is allowing her to come and go as she pleases. Ask her to tell you when she won’t be home if you’re planning meals. If she’s not paying rent, perhaps she can start. Do you want her to move out? If so, be clear. Keep in mind if she is studying this will make it harder for her, not impossible though. Do you not like the boyfriend? If so, for what reason? Is it a valid reason? If it is that the boyfriend is not a good person you will have to be very careful how you approach this situation. You don’t want to damage your relationship with your daughter. Unfortunately I can’t give you advice in this area.


  • What about it is “driving you nuts”? I did that for years when I was in my late teens and early 20’s. As far as I know my parents were ok with it – I generally let them know where I was going to be so they didn’t worry.


  • Isn’t it easier for her to move out with boyfriend and visit you on weekends


  • What about it is driving you nuts? Because I think that’s what you need to talk to her about. It actually seems pretty normal to me that with a new boyfriend, she wants to spend some time with him, but not all of it yet. If you can tell her exactly what’s bothering you, it might be easier to sort out.


  • Depends on what your issue is. This alone doesn’t sound disrespectful?


  • I agree with ~Loui~ that it’s ot completely clear what is driving you nuts and what you would like to change. I would suggest too to formulate your thoughts on this and maybe write it down, you could use a friend to get it clear for yourself. Once you have it clear for yourself you could talk and brainstorm with your daughter.
    Do you know this book ? It’s quite helpful ! Now I know your daughter is not a child anymore, but it’s about listening strategies so your daughter feels heard and can talk.
    https://www.ebay.com.au/itm/How-to-Talk-So-Kids-Will-Listen-and-Listen-So-Ki-by-Elaine-Mazlish-0380811960/324088497033?epid=95437644&hash=item4b752e0389:g:rMIAAOSwZVlXvlLd


  • Hi, From your question, I’m not sure what it is that is ‘driving you nuts’ ? Is it that she doesn’t tell you when she will be home – therefore making it difficult to plan meals etc. ? Or that you don’t like her being out? or the boyfriend? or that you would like her to move out? Once you identify what it is exactly that is upsetting, then you can look at solutions. Can she pay board? Is she working or studying? It is your home and you can expect courtesy and respect. Try asking her when would be a good time to sit down and have an open discussion about what you expect and listen to what her plans are too. Good luck.


  • Your house, your rules. If you want her to move out then say so and stick to it.


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