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Tween (12F) has decided she doesn’t want to live under this roof any more because she doesn’t like the rules here. Has decided to live with a family member. Has had increasing attitude and disrespect the last few months. Have tried to compromise and explain the reason for the rules (eg. need to do assignments, can’t stay up until all hours talking on the phone p.s talking at 1am) Do I let her go and see the grass isn’t greener and hope she realises that and comes back or force her to stay? Any other suggestions or advice much appreciated!!


Posted by mom465826, 13th August 2020


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  • Try to talk to her and let her know you will always be there for and why you have set these rules for and on her behalf. I’d also be talking to the family member to make sure that when she starts becoming too much for them to handle, that they don’t let her become homeless. Wish you luck with your daughter.


  • Along with everyone else’s advice…I’d also suggest getting some counselling for yourself. It is easy to be clouded in situations like this and a counsellor may help to give you some clarity and reassurance.


  • I think you will need sit down and talk more understanding her situation.Explain her the real life how it will affect her future.


  • How does a 12 year old get to this point. I think you need to parent. Teens are always resistant to rules and boundaries, but it’s a parents job to keep them safe and teach them how to be independent when the time is ready.


  • If you try to force her to stay she will just run away. Unfortunately my eldest Granddaughter has done this and refuses to keep in touch with her parents. She is now regretting it but is also stubborn and won’t return home because she won’t accept any responsibility. It’s hard to say but you need to sit her down and tell her you won’t stop her but you will be there for her if she needs you. There’s not much else you can do. I wish you all the best.


  • My husband and I have been through this and my best advice to you is to sit down with her with a list of expenses of everyday life running a household and ask her how she intends to pay for all this? She will most likely answer “I don’t know” to which you can say “Well you can stay here, but you have to abide by my rules” she will most likely reluctantly agree. If she still wants to go then I would suggest letting her try it and I would say she will soon be wanting to come home again. If she says she will get a job then warn her about house renters not wanting to lend to young ones etc.


  • My hope would be that the family member would have rules as well and may give a differing view to yours to enforce those rules. It will also give you a breather and you may find that they will come back to you quite quickly. At least they are going to a family member and not someone that you don’t know and can’t liaise with.


  • I was a terrible teenager. From know what I was like the more you push the more you going to push them to wrong idea, I know in Victoria when a kid turns 14 they can decide where they want to live (this could of changed passed 10 years) but If there is a great home life I wouldn’t let my daughter go,
    Stand your ground, but always make sure they are always welcome home and there if they get into trouble.
    I had a couple of years where I was terrible but my mum stood by me and by the time I was 15 I had completely changed.

    Stay strong mumma


  • If she behaves maybe she can stay there for 1 week in the school holidays, otherwise it’d be a no she can’t go and stay where ever she likes as she is too young to pick and choose where she goes.


  • If you force her to stay, she’ll resent you and most likely your problems with her now will get worse. It’s up to you.


  • I’m not sure at what age they can legally leave home. If she goes and stays with another family member at least you will know where she is. Hopefully the other person will be a good influence on her.. Regardless of where she lives your daughter will be reprimanded if she doesn’t do her assignments on time. I know some schools notify the parent/s / guardian if that happens. I know some parents who definitely get messages on their phones. Maybe set a later curfew on Friday and Saturday nights as there’s no school the following day.


  • This is a tough one. Does the place she wants to go to have similar rules to you? If not then I wouldn’t let her go.


  • I had a similar experience with my daughter. I had to let her go. Thankfully, it was only for a month or 2 at my sisters. She decided to come home of her own accord. It took some adjusting, but we worked things out. Good luck to you, its not easy with teenagers


  • Another thought. At that age friends become very important. My 16yr old is on the phone and face times a lot too. I make sure to throw the doors open to her friends, let them feel welcome and show interest in her friends.


  • I’m sorry you’re in this situation, it must come with struggle pain and concern.
    I have a 10yr old (foster) daughter who kicks against any rule, is non compliant and extremely disrespectful and we had the past year many school issues as well. So I understand the impact this can have on yourself, family and other area’s of life.
    I agree with the other mums that 12yr old is too young to let her go, however I know that forcing doesn’t work either. I would start to try to come in good conversation with her, hang out and have some quality time / do some nice things together. Explain to her you’re her mum and your love and responsibility towards her never dies and really show her your love. When she still is adamant she wants to leave and live with a family member, I would consider to let her go part time for example during the week at yours during the weekend at family member (depending what relationship you yourself and she has with this family member).


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