12 Answers

Me and the father of my children (3.5 years and 11 months) split about 6 months ago. Long story, short, we get along fairly well and I always try to be nice and reasonable for our boys sakes. We have 60/40 care of my 3.5 year old (60 is me) and I have 100 percent care of our 11 month old until “he is walking and off the boob”. Father takes the 11 month old for 3 hours on Saturday and on Sunday, or until he starts being grizzly (doesn’t change his bum though or put him to sleep).
Recently father complained that he was getting sick and tried to be nice in suggesting maybe it was the state of his house that could have caused it. 3.5 year old also complained of a scratchy throat after coming back.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t care about a bit of clutter, but his house is gross. There’s dishes in the sink with mold, food laying around everywhere, rubbish everywhere, even lube (and whatever else) on the toilet room floor. I mean its gross. I tried to help him and cleaned his house for an hour while he sat on his butt.
Back to the “sickness”. He got pissed at me saying this and said its just cluttered…. in the end I told him that he would have to clean his house or he is not having the boys. I am worried about their health and safety while they are over there.
I tried to be nice and it went back and forth, in the end he stated that because I have 100% care of our 11 month old that he would not take him at all after his house was clean and that he was going to fight me in court about having our oldest son 50/50 and quitting his job…. i ignored his antics and name calling. He eventually said sorry and blamed it on a hard week.
How can I talk to him normal now after that, he basically said he doesn’t want our youngest ever….

Posted anonymously, 3rd November 2020

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  • People say the wrong things in the heat of an argument.
    I think maybe you need to get someone from the legal team sent out there if he doesn’t pick up his act, to assess his home situation and then they can make the OH&S call.
    Before that though maybe just have a civil conversation, don’t stoop to the lower level, and say you are happy to have joint custody of both children as long as he is keeping everything clean and safe for the kids.

  • Basically the dad has a dirty house and not safe for the kids. Both children complain about sore throats. My opinion is the dad is not in a good place, maybe mental health issues. If it was me I would make an excuse and take pictures of the mess of house and stay with kids . I’m worried for ur children he needs help.

  • That’s tough but try and always think of your beautiful kids before you say anything. You won’t change his mind so just do what’s best for your kids.

  • We all have our moments where we just break or regret saying what we did. And maybe he did it out of anger or whatever other reason. But remember your relationship with him will be until the kids are adults so why make it harder for the two of you to disagree. Mediation or sometimes a few counselling sessions would help if he can agree. Or just sit down and all truce with each other.

  • You just have to be the bigger person and ignore his outburst. I’d just play it cool and see if he does end up wanting to have the 11-month-old over in the future – like I wouldn’t encourage it and see if he asks for him – I wouldn’t deny him either as it is good for a child to have a positive relationship with his Dad. Courts want parents to make decisions about the best interests of the child and it’s clear that an involved and caring Dad is a great thing for a child. However, if you do believe his living conditions aren’t up to scratch and possibly even harmful then you can’t really feel comfortable sending the boys to his house until he cleans his act up. Black mould is terrible for health! You shouldn’t be cleaning for him either. He’s a grown adult so he needs to do the right thing and provide a safe and healthy place for his boys. Maybe get a professional mediator invovled who will undoutably point this out so you aren’t being the bad guy!

  • If you manage to do so without causing a drama I would take some photos as evidence in case you need them. Your son may be having an allergic reaction to the mould which could cause a lot of serious medical problems including asthma or other constant infections. Will your son let you look in his mouth to see if there is any imflamation at all? or let a Dr. have a look?? I wonder what the condition of the bathroom and your little boy’s bedroom is like. The carpet could cause issues even if it is clean.

  • Please for the children’s sake keeps your fights between the pair of you and be civil. If there are no legal custody arrangements in place atm its something you will need to tread carefully because he does have just as much right to the boys as you do.if you still speak to his side of the family could tou talk to one of them about the father because who knows what he is going through.

  • You will need extremely good self control to get over this. As hard as it is, im a firm believes in keeping parental stresses away from the kids.

  • Be straight to the point, talk about only the care of your 2 children, nothing else. Speak to him about how you feel about and issues

  • Mediation and a custody agreement might hopefully save you some sanity. Then you can discuss the cleanliness factor also

  • This is someone you’ll need to communicate with until the kids are at least 18. I think getting on the same page is so important and sometimes going to counselling to help may be beneficial for everyone

  • Sounds like it’s time to get a legal custody agreement in place before this drags on and get worse as your youngest gets older.

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