9 Answers

How do I tell my 10 year old that the only father he’s ever known isn’t his bio dad? I’m happy to never tell him about the abusive drug addict who threatened to kill us both but I’m worried he’ll find something on social media when he starts using in a few years. My husband has been his dad since he was 1 and we’ve had no contact with my ex in 7 years. T.I.A

Posted anonymously, 16th July 2020

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  • It’s a sensitive topic, but I would be open and honest about it. It might be worth seeking a Childrens councillors opinion on how to go about the right way to do it, Also be honest with any questions that your son has.

  • Age appropriate conversation. Sit down with him and explain the situation. We don;t give children enough credit for what they can understand. They are resilient. I believe he will be curious however if he has had your husband as his dad from an early age he should be okay. Good luck and communication is the key.

  • As others have said….don’t leave it. Best of luck :)

  • Don’t leave it too long before you start talking to him about his real father as if you don’t he will hate you for not telling him.

  • We have literally just done this. My Son is 10 but was 9 when we told him. My husband was around from when he was 6 months old. His Biological father was around until he was 3 and then nothing We wanted to move to Australia from the UK and because he was on the birth certificate we had to apply to court. So y son had to know as he also would have to go to court (£20,000 later and the bio dad now gets to phone every month – fuming – but here we are in Aus)

    We sat him done and just explained that although Daddy is his Daddy he did not make him, but he did choose him which is far more important as he picked you out of a million other children. Just reassured that if he had any questions – which he did – then he was to ask them and we would answer

  • Aw that is a hard one ! Depending on how mature your son is I would think openness is better. Are you close with your son yourself ? Does he know how much you and your husband love him ? Does he have the understanding what it means that his father isn’t his bio dad, did he have sexual education and how was his response to that ?
    Probably better to share now before he hit the teens as that’s already a difficult age on itself. That he may find something on social media in some years is well possible, you can’t hold that back and you don’t want him to feel betrayed.

  • There is no easy way mate. My mum lied to me my whole life and my dad found me. I have never forgiven her so id advise it comes from you and noone else because either way your child will hurt and resent for awhile but given time will get over it.

  • My only suggestion is get in first. With the way technology is he will find out.
    I would speak to some psychologists maybe on the best ways to approach it.

  • Oh gee this is a sensitive issue. I’d probably start by talking generally about all the ways families are formed, and about what makes a parent (committment, love, being there). And then raise the issue of biological parents. I do agree that you probably have to get in before he hears it from another source.

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