12 Answers

We’ve 2 children. A 19 yr old son who has Aspergers, Cognitive Impairment & Brain Injury (caused by inoperable Brain Tumour since he was 5) and a 12 yr old daughter. Our son has decided he no longer likes living at home & has run away twice to my dad’s. He is there at the moment and won’t come home; telling us he’s trying to find somewhere to live and that the list for supported accommodation (which we’ve been told he will eventually need to go to) has a really long waiting list. The worry I have is that my dad has Parkinson’s & other health problems (he comes for dinner most nights) and I don’t know how to get our son to come home. Meanwhile I have my mother-in-law telling me that my husband and daughter come 1st then a clean house and to put my dad way down the list. Husband tells me not to stress and I always get what I want and it’s no wonder the kids never listen when I never listen to him. I can’t sleep and don’t feel like eating and I’m getting horrid headaches but I don’t know what to do. We are in the process of applying to be our son’s guardians so we can manage his financial, medical & legal matters but this is going to take time. This is also upsetting our daughter who was found shop lifting last week, she’s misbehaving and having trouble sleeping also. Am I just whinging/stressing over nothing?

Posted by bronnyc, 14th April 2015

Want more real mum questions sent to you?

You'll need to check this email to complete your signup.


Ask your question
  • You have an extraordinarily stressful life, and it sounds like you don’t have a lot of support. See a counsellor to help you sort through this (your GP should be able to refer you to one).

  • I hope you’ve been able to de-stress. Take care.

  • Take some time for yourself, see you GP, tine out will help. You’re a mum, we always stress, we just need rest and recovery time

  • You certainly are not stressing over nothing, sounds you have a lot on your plate ! So much so that I would encourage you to seek a counselor to help detangle all your thoughts feelings and responsibilties. Also make sure you make time for yourself see friends do something, you have to fill your own bucket to be able to care for your family.

  • You have genuine concerns and I hope you are able to find a solution.

  • No you are not stressing unnecessarily. a) I TOTALLY see where your mother-in-law’s coming from. I suggest that since she is so concerned she prepare dinner 2 or 3 times a week & perhaps join you all to enjoy it. If she came early she could do a little washing, ironing & cleaning before dinner & persuade your daughter to help & then reward her by taking her out for a meal, shopping or the movies-just the 2 of them. This would give your girl some attention as she feels her brother is taking all your time, energy & love. With this help you will have more time with everyone & she would be less concerned. Is she concerned for her Grandson or is he way down the list with your dad. Perhaps you should remind her that if you were the type of person to put Dad way down the list she would be after him so lucky for her you are not. Does your family understand Aspergers? Is assume your son is on a disability pension if so are you receiving a disability carers allowance & or pension. If not APPLY. If you do get some financial help use the money for help in the house, time out for you & time to spend with your daughter & husband. You are doing the right thing in applying to be your son’s guardians.
    You need to fully explain your sons issues to your daughter (if you haven’t already) & that they are the reason your expectations & attentions with him are different from those with her.Unfortunately your daughter is dealing with puberty & this all at the same time so she may need some professional help. It certainly can’t hurt. If she doesn’t bond with the 1st try then keep trying until she does. No bond no talking no help. Remember to tell her you love her every day even when you don’t like her behaviour & that you always will just as you love your son. In the short term tell your son he is almost an adult “that’s what he is trying to become by leaving home” even though he went somewhere safe. If your Dad can cope for a short time that would help & perhaps he could bring your son for dinner when he comes. I also assume your son is having therapy & if he is not he needs to as this is a major transitional time in his life as it is in yours. Do I have a son with brain injury incurred Aspergers? Yes I sure do & the impact on my other two children was also incredibly difficult. They didn’t understand or accept why we treated him differently until they grew older. If you continue to show your son unconditional love & acceptance slowly a small part of him will begin to accept it & your relationship will move to another level as it needs to do. My son has actually hugged me “when he didn’t want something” a few times & kissed me twice in the last few years. He lives indepently but visits 5-6 times a week. He is 40years old now. Oh yes all that help your kids need put yourself on the list too preferably at the top. Best wishes.

  • I don’t think you’re stressing or whinging. Sounds like you’re going through a very difficult time at the moment. I hope things get better for you

  • You are dealing with so much at the moment and it is affecting your health. It may be nice to talk to a health professional regarding what is going on and how you can go about getting some extra support. Just don’t forget you are a wonderful mother!

  • I think you have an awful lot of things to deal with at the moment and it must be very stressful. Have you considered talking with your doctor or a health professional for some support? I hope you manage to get thing sorted out soon. good luck.

  • Great advice from the other moms. You do have a lot to deal with. Let your son know you support him in trying to establish his independence and that you and his father are always always always there to help him out or to lean on when he needs help. Don’t worry about your mother-in-law. Try to relax, things usually work out ok, and most of the time we worry and stress over things that will just take their course and work out anyway. I wish you the best of luck.

  • Are you in that list of priorities? You seem to be caring about everyone else. That is why youre health is sufferring…start looking afer YOU. Then the answers will fall into place. Go for walks, breathing techniques, healthy diet.

  • In the case of your Daughter she is just striving for attention and rebelling she proberly thinks her brother is getting all the attention. be kind and loving but firm with her, make sure you spend some one on one time with her and do something special.
    In regards to your son it sounds like he wants to be treated like a adult making decisions fo himself. My brother has aspergers( thats stressful enough on it own without any other health issues you mention ) and it has caused the family much grief. My parents had to let him go and make decisions for himself and make mistakes also to live with the consenquences of them. But you can be there to help him resolve the issues if he lets you. Give him some space hopefully when he calms down he will come home. My brother went through months at a time where my parents were the enemy and he wouldnt talk to them..
    You are only stressed because you care, dont be to hard on yourself for caring.

Post you answer
Like Facebook page

LIKE MoM on Facebook

What is your answer to that question?
Would you like to include a photo?
No picture uploaded yet.
Please wait to see your image preview here before hitting the submit button.
Your MoM account

Lost your password?

Enter your email and a password below to post your answer and join MoM:

↥ Back to top

Thanks For Your Star Rating!

Would you like to add a written rating or just a star rating?

Write A Rating Just A Star Rating