18 Answers

up until recently hubby and I were sharing a bank account and could see what each other was doing, there was an issue with our accounts and had to separate, money has never really been issue until now,I’ve started my own side line business with my own money and making a small profit, hubby flew off the handle when he found out I was making money and asked me when I was going to tell him what I was doing and how much i was making, I felt this was controlling in that I do t ask him how much he makes or what he spends it on etc, he feels im keeping secrets from him even though most of my.money goes to food or bills etc…

What are your thoughts….

Posted anonymously, 12th June 2020

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  • Are you sure this is just about money? You said you don’t ask how much your husband earns but you had a joint account until recently so you must have seen how much is being deposited into that account from his employer?? Either way, if you’ve never asked, never discussed this and he flew off the handle about you having a business he knew nothing about and you felt as thought it should be kept a secret from him then you might have more problems than finances. I’ve been married for 38 years and we don’t have secret accounts or secret occupations or secret stashes of money so there’s no need for either of us to fly off the handle about finances. Perhaps it’s time for frank discussion to sort things out?

  • I feel that you should have your own financial freedom and should not have to report on every profit or money you spent

  • I see your point but I would also be disappointed if my husband had a small side business and didn’t share it with me. What happens if you lost money etc? I see both sides here.

  • Just curious if his primary concern was the money or that you had started a business without him knowing. I personally would feel a huge disconnect from my partner if they went on a business endeavour and didn’t share that with me or didn’t want to share their successes with me.
    If it is purely about the money I think you are right to feel he is being controlling, I would highlight the point you made here about you not asking about his finances and see if that changes his tune.

  • Sounds like he think you’ve done something wrong when you had the best intentions. He should be proud of you putting a idea together that has showing a profit and would help with the cost of what you buy to run the household. Don’t stop what you have done and point out that it was early days and it was for both of you and it was your idea of making more money and that you don’t understand why he is so upset. Also tell you will be keeping every docket of what you spend on running the household that you pay for and also point out you haven’t spent the money on anything for yourself. I would be focused on what he spends money on that he earns and I would be wise and keep a account that you know that only you can withdraw from and he doesn’t have to know about as there is nothing worse than him clearing out a joint account and leaving you high and dry.

  • Definitely an over reaction. plenty of couples have separate accounts without issues. Try talking to him and explain most of your money goes on food etc. stipulate that you don’t ask him where hi money goes. Its all to do with respect for each other.

  • he over reacted for sure. Hopefully he’s calmed down enough to have a civil and sensible conversation about it now. Surely he sees its all for your family

  • I think both of you need good talk about it.

  • Sorry not help here…we have two separate accounts

  • We married later in life so had established our own accounts/banking habits. We have set up a joint account which we both contribute to and use that for household and children expenses. Then we still have our own accounts to do what we like with. Good on you for doing something that brings in a bit of income.

  • A joint account for household expenses/savings and also individual accounts for each person makes sense. Both; women and men should have their own money too for their own use. Contributing to the family finances is essential and having financial independence is also essential; their are responsibilities as partners but also freedom as individuals. A conversation about finance and responsibilities and goals is a must for couples/families.

  • We have had a joint account since we married and we have never had any issues about who earns or spends what. I know several couples who have separate accounts and, to be honest, I feel it causes more troubles than not.

  • This sounds a bit worrying. Are there other issues in your relationship? At the very least, you need a very open conversation about money.

  • Sounds really financially controlling honestly. We have 3 accounts, 2 personal and 1 joint plus the mortgage account which is just for the mortgage to be taken from. We don’t hide any money income or takings from each other But we also don’t expect each other to explain our money situation. We’ve done this for 4 years now

  • my response would be to type up a list of figures that represent your income (including your biz) and then a list of expenses that this money covers, and any potential savings – include everything including presents, bills, food, entertainment, clothing, non and essential items..

    Instead of responding negatively to his demanding/controlling vibes towards your money, maybe twist it and show him the potential of what your money and his money combined could do ie: deposit for a home, money for a new car, a family holiday – include his dreams, goals and hobbies in your “report” to him so he can be incentivised to share with your his money “report” and together work on a mutual beneficial goal – if your working towards the same goals financially it should help him not want to be in control and so demanding with where the money is going.

    I think show him that your open to showing him but that he needs to be honest with you and communicate his finances with you.

    Maybe he is demanding and controlling because he has his own money issues that he doesn’t know how to deal with and he is deflecting his own internal anger about that out on to you and your finances?

    The best you can be is honest, no secrets from your side, if he demands that you share your money with him for his own personal spending then I think you need to draw the line there and potentially look at getting some assistance to help out as this could lead to financial abuse if not checked and sorted out earlier on.

    Good luck

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