19 Answers

Whether intentional or not, my in-laws often say the most outrageous things to me. On one hand, it’s lovely to know exactly where I stand. But on the other it’s challenging to face being fired at from all directions most of the time.

During my in-laws most recent visit, my mother-in-law explained how I am the cause of all of my children’s medical problems.

I don’t know why it was hard to stomach- I mean I already blame myself as a parent for any little thing that goes wrong. But having someone else do the blaming for me on my behalf really struck a nerve!

Especially the children’s own grandparent! Realistically their son contributed to half of the genetics so why should I be burdened with the entire blame.

My husband knew I was hurting, he said he saw it all over my face. Yet instead of talk about how deeply crushed my soul was after his parents visit- he went straight to bed.

There I was dying under the weight of knowing other people blamed me, in the same way that I blame myself for things ranging from my children getting eye infections to my ten year old with brain damage.

I blame myself, even though there is no reasonable explanation as to how it is my fault, I blame myself entirely- always.

How could my hubby sleep straight after hearing his mother blaming me for things which are out of my control?

Do men simply avoid these situations so as to not get between the mother that they love and the mother of their children?

It’s just that if my parents had tried to run my husband through the ground I would have said something on the spot- not wait until my spouse is shattered and my parents have left before I acknowledge the pain caused.

It’s not even my mother-in-law being nasty, this is just genuinely how she feels and she was just letting me know, in case I didn’t already.

Are wives simply expected to endure nonsense from their in-laws without dragging their hubby into it, especially since it isn’t his fault- or is that the entire point of a partnership… that we are there to provide strength for one another no matter what the other person faces, they’re never alone…

Would you want your hubby to let you vent, try to laugh it off- or would you understand them not wanting to hear you out especially if they can already see your ‘broken’ showing?

Posted by someonesmother, 5th November 2020

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  • I think a lot of the time it doesn’t even register with men. My husband has even admitted that if certain things aren’t pointed out to him, he is completely oblivious to it. You need to talk to your husband & let him know how you feel, because even if you think he is aware of it, he might not be at all.

  • one other comment, if he is not going to support you, then you need to defend yourself. be nice, but you can say that you don’t appreciate being told things like that.

  • he needs to step up. you need to tell him straight that he better stand up for you next time.

  • Before we married I had had a couple of intense talks with my in laws and they knew where I was coming from. They only made one comment and my answer was ‘ it takes two to tango’ so they knew that I would only ever take half the blame. When we divorced they stayed my friends and not their sons, and I always have had a great relationship with his whole family. Sometimes you have to stand up to other people so everyone knows where you all stand.

  • Maybe you could try and talk to your husband about how you felt when his mother said those mean things? Not to blame him for his response but to try and communicate about how you felt. He may have a pattern of disassociating when there is any sort of conflict and he may be genuinely unaware of the way you are feeling. Try to communicate more with him – a professional could help greatly with this! I’d avoid the MIL like the plague – you don’t need negativity like that!

  • MILs often feel entitled, as there is a bond between a mother and a son, which I didn’t know about until I had mine. However, I grin and bare all the things my MIL says to me. We as parents blame ourselves for everything. I am still figuring out how to deal with mine. Talk to your husband. Most men, are internalisers, they process things differently from us. Talk to him, see how he feels. If he believes what she said was true, why he didn’t back you up or comfort you etc.

  • That’s a terrible thing for you to have gone through. I was so lucky with my late husband and in-laws. His Mum didn’t like me at first until we announced we were getting married. She then did a complete turnaround. She still tells me to this day what a wonderful job we are doing with our boys. Even after my husband passed away from cancer she keeps in touch and is always sending me little notes to see if I need anything. I found out just before we got married that my husband stood up to her and said that if she ever did or said anything bad to me then she was not welcome to visit. I hope that your husband stands up to his parents and tells them what for. And DO NOT keep blaming yourself for your children’s issues. They were a gift from God and he knew that you would look after them and love them with all your heart. I’m proud of you but, I’m sorry to say, I’m disgusted with your husband.

  • Wow, that’s awful! I can relate a little, but I don’t think my MIL has ever said anything quite that bad. But she has done and said things that have left me really hurt and angry like when she compared my son to a malnourished African child when I was breastfeeding him (yes, he was on the skinnier side as was his sister, but both were growing and developing normally), and not supporting our parenting decisions by undermining us in front of the kids. My husband most of the time says nothing- it takes a lot to get a reaction and a lot of the time he’ll just whinge to me later, instead of standing up to her. It’s a hard situation you’re in, but sounds like if the in-laws are going to be that way, you need to stand up for yourself and don’t take their crap, and if they persist, just avoid seeing them. You don’t live in the same house and if they’re going to be toxic you don’t have to see them.

  • I really think he should of given her a hug and said I see your pain and my mother’s opinions are not mine and I love you

  • Don’t believe the lies they whisper in your ears. Ignore them and take distance !

  • I had a mother-in-law like yours. After 2 decades I realised she had Mental Health problems.
    A friend of mine was describing how her mother was behaving recently. Both scenarios sounded the same. Ignore them both & get on with your Life. You know what it best for you & your family.

  • STAND UP FOR YOURSELF GIRL!!!!!!!!! Your children don’t need to hear this crap! My in-laws did this to me, now the kids are grown-up, they avoid they’re grandparents like the plague, so they don’t feel like they are in the middle. Just take them aside, where the kids won’t be able to hear, and just explain that you understand that they dont like you, but that they dont need to do emotional to them as well. No kid wants to hear their mother d attacked. Even by so called well meaning grandparents. Don’t worry about hubby , they obviously emotionally beat him down before you guys got married. If they think you are being unreasonable, don’t allow them to visit the kids.

  • We are now estranged from my hubby’s parents and I have never felt so safe and happy. They’ve been in my life for over 30 years and I was never good enough even though I had always bent over backwards to make them happy. There was always trouble and they managed to ruin every major event in the my husband’s and my life. When we had a son, it went to another level and he became a pawn in their brutal game. My husband finally cut them off when my father-in-law called me a dog in our shopping centre, whilst his wife stood by. That was the last straw for my hubby who had always tried to do the right thing by his toxic and abusive parents. We now finally feel free of them and have moved away to another town to be completely rid of them.

  • Argh, why is it that some men cannot stand to up to their families, especially their mothers?! Ive copped so much condescending, spiteful and awful treatment from my hubbys parents over the years. And whenever something is brought up he will never have my corner.

    Literally the only reason we’ve ever fought over the years is due to them causing issues. And he doesn’t even know the half of what they’ve said and done to me. It’s to the point now where I don’t tell him the whole story because he always fobs it off “that’s just how they are and they won’t change”.

    Sadly we’ve lived interstate for years now, which means myself and my children are away from my family. If not for them and their vitriol, I would happily move back home to be closer to my family.

  • I didn’t have a father in law, my mother in law was awesome, we got along fabulously. My parents and partner never had much to do with each other

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