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I have shared custody of my kids and my nine-year-old old is asking to cut her hair just under her shoulder blades it’s currently down to her bum. It’s beautiful strawberry blonde hair.

She has been wanting to cut it for over a year now. And her dad and step mum are refusing to let us do it. They ask if I’m drilling it into her head. Her father also said to her that only pretty girls have long hair. Don’t know what to do, do I just take her or do I respect their decision?


Posted anonymously, 22nd June 2022


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  • She is your daughter and I don’t think your husband’s new wife has any say in the matter. It all boils down to what your daughter wants to do with her hair. If she can’t get it done at the hairdressers then she’s just as likely to get the scissors and cut it herself. When one of my granddaughters wanted to get her hair cut (turned out she was being bullied at school) she just grabbed the scissors and hacked it off herself. Hers was also down to her bottom and once the hairdresser tried to fix it up, it just touched her collar.


  • I would let your daughter do what she wants with her hair. If she wants it cut to her shoulder blades, then its still fairly long and its hair it will grow back and she might even find it easier to manage too. I think her Dad is being very sexist to say only pretty girls have long hair and to no let you have a say is being controlling and a bully towards you. Plus you being her Mum you should be able support your daughter in the choices she wants to make about herself even if she is only 9 years old.


  • She is old enough to decide how she wants her hair cut, it is hair it grows back. Frankly I am more concerned about your exes comments, what else is he telling her? It’s sexist and borderline creepy and it sounds like he is the one trying to manipulate her choices not you. Also why does the stepmom get a vote?


  • I would just take her. My daughter had beautiful long blonde hair at one stage too and decided one day she wanted short hair. She never did like the brushing of long hair. It was sad for me and even our hairdresser, but it was cut off


  • Give your daughter what she wants! My eldest, girl, had hair down to her butt, she asked to get it cut and as much as I loved her long hair we did as she asked. I got really angry when she took scissors to her hair a few days later and cut her fringe right at the scalp. It’s been a year and her hair still hasn’t come back right. I hated the look of her fixed haircut but she seemed to love it. My boy wanted his hair cut recently. It was half way down his back, but is so curly it sat at his shoulders. I made sure he understood that he may not have curls if he gets it cut (he had one a few years back and lost all his curls, he was furious about it). He said ok and we got it cut. He wants it cut again, however, it is the style we are saying no to as he wants a mullet. Anyway, if your daughter has her heart set on getting it cut then do so. Her dad is clearly only apposed to it because you are in favour of getting it done


  • Is there some way you can all get together and your/his daughter can explain she wants to have her hair cut because it is [annoying her, too hard to manage, giving her headaches, she just doesn’t like it anymore] and then maybe all can agree it is her choice, not a parents choice. After all, let’s face it – hair will grow back if she later decides she made the wrong choice.


  • i don’t think it’s right for a parent to say a girl has to have long hair to be pretty. however, chopping all her hair off is a big change which she may regret. as her mum, decide when you want to take her to get a haircut and if it is when you have your custody there isn’t a lot they can do about it.


  • In this situation and given the daughter’s age it should be her decision to cut it if there’s no reason not to. Why not a compromise where it gets cut halfway? Down to the bum is very high maintenance. I had hair that long, so I’d know.


  • I think she’s old enough to make her own decisions about her hair. And for her Dad to suggest that only pretty girls have long hair is such an insidious and odd thing to say. Not helpful at all.


  • I can not believe her father would say that. I hope you explain to her how wrong that is. My kids choose their hair cuts. With my youngest at 9yrs she can make her own choices on small things like hair.


  • And I agree, dad’s comment that only pretty girls have long hair, is harmful


  • I agree, at 9yrs old we should respect our kids voice and opinion. It’s a pity her dad and step mum struggle to respect this. In time you daughter will be able to explain to her dad that this was her own wish and that it wasn’t drilled into her head by you.


  • She is old enough. I would respect your daughter. She isn’t asking for a piercing or extreme hair do….


  • So sorry Tracey …forgot the e


  • I also agree with TracyGail


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