9 Answers

My step kids have lived with their dad and I for almost 6 years now, as the state took them off their mum. Now, after 6 years of being a show and tell mum (never around unless it suits her to look like an active mum) she’s filed for full custody, and because the state removed them from her, both her, my partner and myself all have to be investigated to support her section 90. The kids all have their own legal representatives, and in reading one child’s things, I’m utterly heart broken. I thought we were close, I love all my kids as my own. She stated she wished she never lived here, that I’m only nice some times, and that I yell at them all the time, that she’s not happy here. I’m utterly crushed. She said she wants to live with her mum. The mum who picked drugs over her, the mum who is never around, never has anything for birthdays, Xmas. The mum who has never been to a single school performance, or local cultural event when she dances. I don’t know what to do, do I talk to her, ask her why she doesn’t like me, do I just leave it be. I haven’t slept in a long time as I’m so upset. None of the other kids want to leave, they just want to see their mum more, witch we are happy to do, but we know their mum will flake n be hardly seen. The state said the kids won’t be removed from us but contact with mum will Likely increase, but we were already doing weekly until she refused to return the children, after months of being absent. I don’t know what to do

Posted by mom366540, 2nd May 2020

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  • How old is that one? Perhaps its more about maybe her thinking she will get more freedom or independence rather than about being about being home.

  • I wonder whether her Mum has guided her letter? Sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time xx

  • I think you would benefit from some personal support (eg a counsellor). You haven’t said the kids’ ages – might she think this is a way of being loyal to her mum?

  • Very hard indeed !
    I would suggest not to see this too much as a rejection. It’s natural for a child to always long for their biological mum/parent even though that biological parents has greatly failed the child. It’s a way of the child to try to deal with this feeling of abandonment and rejection.
    As you suggest The state said the kids won’t be removed from you but contact with mum will Likely increase; trust and rest in that. When she refuses to return the children after a visit then there is even more reason for the State to act on that. Keep record everything what happens as proof. Success and heads up !

  • Oh dear…its difficult. I will try to talk if not u will need some help outside. .finger crossed everything will turned fine

  • That’s heart breaking, I think maybe you should get your partner to talk to her, don’t you directly do it as she may feel pressured. Best of luck I’m so sorry that you are going through this, court can be extremely hard on kids and it can bring up all sorts of emotions

  • I can imagine how sad you must feel. But I agree that you should probably talk to her. How old is she? I guess that, not having seen their biological mum for such a long time, they have created some expectations that are far from reality, but they believe to be true at the moment.

  • oh this sounds incredibly heartbreaking. I think the simplest of things to do is just let this child know that your still there for them and your door is always open no matter what if they want to talk. the more you push the further away they will grow I think and that might make living together more difficult. I would seek someone in the counselling field who has experience dealing with kids from split families who might be able to help you know which avenues to take to support yourself, your partner and the children with life as it move forwards with what ever the court rules.

    I wish you all the best, stay strong. Sometimes people can’t see the bad in people until they truly experience it themselves, those that always let people down don’t change their spots, you will be the one they come back to when she fails them again and you will pick up their hearts, and hold them together until they heal.

  • I don’t have an answer for you but just want to say that you are doing an amazing job. That would be so incredibly hard for you. Depends how old this child is that has said this. She may be reacting this way to a super stressful time? And even though her bio mum left her, she still loves her and wouldn’t understand this complex situation like an adult would. Probably a lot of conflicting emotions running through her head.
    Talk to your partner and maybe see if there is a support group you could join. Even see your GP for a mental health plan and have a chat to a counsellor. Hopefully everything will work out as it should.

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