11 Answers

I left my husband 7 months ago, after being very unhappy in our marriage. constant put downs, awfully treated and big issues – basically an abusive relationship (mainly emotional) I got tired of the ‘change’ not coming in life so I left, and was much happier, despite the abuse continuing (I haven’t gone through a day without some kind of DRAMA!) and now that I have moved on, yet still grieving that my marriage wasn’t able to work, he is saying he swears he didn’t realize it was that bad, he is deeply sorry, he loves us and that he is definitely changing. He says he was an idiot to let it get that bad and he wants to give us the life we deserve. I am much stronger now and feel like I would be a fool to go back, but is it actually possible for a person with that history to change, or is it just another power game for him?

Posted anonymously, 10th March 2014

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  • Usually abusers do not change. It is a power trip for them and they get a ;high’ out of it. However the only one who can answer your question is you, if you are prepared to take the risk and hope he has changed….. it really is up to you.

  • I have been in your shoes but no marriage or children. The best thing i ever did was finally walking away. He didnt change and i was still hassled years later.

  • I would love to say give him another chance, but in my experience having gone back to a similar type relationship, a leopard never changes his spots. Do not go back! Good luck

  • Abusive behaviour can change but only if the perpetrator wants this, has support (not necessarily from the person who received the abuse) and truly takes responsibility and accountability for their actions. They need to show insight in how their behaviour has affected others and not just say what the person wants to hear. Commitment to changing takes time and it sounds like you are happy with your life currently. Take things slow and be aware of old patterns from him and yourself.

  • No, don’t go back, you’re happy now…..do you want to risk your happiness. Change is possible, but rare. He would need counselling of some sort. And it all depends on how much he wants to change, how much commitment is he willing to put in? If I was you, I’ld stay where you are, maybe let him be a part of your lives….but don’t go back

  • I Agree What Others Have Said, If You Do Go Back Take It Slow, If He Buggers Up Tell Him, I Wouldn’t Move In With Him Straight Away, Just Take Your Time, Good Luck And I Hope He Has Changed

  • This is a hard one an I think only u can answer this I’d go with my gut but I wound not rush back if u did go bake take it slow to see if he really has changed.

  • This is a very personal situation and ultimately only you know if there has been a change made. I have known people to change and I have people to lie about changing and your so much more important then being someone else s doormat . Good luck in your soul searching :)

  • Cannot say for sure… sorry :(

  • listen to your head on this one. It sounds like things have turned around for the better after leaving him- I would keep it that way.

  • I can so relate to all you say, I had the very same thing my ex wanted to get back together and I said no. In hindsight my suggestion to you would be he must go to some counselling and anger management group. I was going to suggest a date but I don’t see this as advantageous. My ex hadn’t changed and when he went to counselling he lied to make himself look like the victim. This really made me mad but he is only fooling himself. It really takes a lot of work to change set your boundaries and show him you are the one in control. Stay strong

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