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“Dear future child of mine” was how I started each journal entry. They were letters to a child I may not have, but it was enough to give me hope that one day I would be a mother. I signed off each letter with “from the past, your mother.” /

It started when I was 18 and diagnosed with Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). It was the first time I had heard of such a condition. Results showed that my androgen levels were very high and my body was not producing enough progesterone. The doctor summed it up for me, “you are currently infertile.” /

As the news sank in I suddenly wanted children more than ever. I was still young, but in a long term relationship. I let my partner at the time know the situation and he did not understand the implications. So I decided to start writing letters to my future child, “I may not ever see you, but the fact I am writing to you must mean you will exist one day”. /

I started on a treatment prescribed by the doctor. It was a natural treatment mixed with a bunch of other pills, but I was not getting the results it claimed to give. However it did take away my appetite. I became so underweight some people thought I was anorexic. At 20 years old I let the doctor know that I no longer wanted to continue the treatment as my weight was affecting my life negatively. He said, “so many girls would kill to be as skinny as you.”
I explained that I had no energy and my sex drive was completely gone. It was affecting my relationship. The solution I could think of was stopping the treatment since my libido and weight dropped when I started it. The doctor let me know, “if sex is so important for your partner, there are plenty of other women out there that have high sex drives.”
At that moment I decided I no longer wanted to see that doctor. Before I left the consultation he gave me another warning, “if you ever want children you have to try early on. The longer you wait the less chance you will be able to conceive.” Those words played in my head years after. /

I wrote in one of my letters, “I stopped my treatment today. I hope it is not the wrong decision, but I don’t think it was doing anything to make me better. I guess we will see in time.” /

My relationship was breaking down. He blamed the hormones. I was always irritable when he was around and found him immature for his age. He was eight years older than me, yet I had to do everything due to his incapability. Yet I stayed because I felt like no one else would want me in the condition I was in. I felt broken. /

The same year I left my treatment my childhood best friend let me know she was pregnant. It was an accident due to lack of contraception and she was considering aborting. I wrote in one of my letters, “it is incredible how there are some people who take a new life for granted. Some struggle to get pregnant, and others just throw it away.” She ended up keeping the baby and I saw a side of me I never knew existed. It made me want to have children even more. /

At age 22 I decided to break up my relationship after being together for 6 years. That year I decided to try to have children due to what the doctor had told me, however I realised I did not want children with my partner. It was conflicting, but I could not see our relationship getting any better. It would have been unfair to stay and live a lie. I became single and it felt good. But my ex told me that I would never find a guy as nice as him, so I had no idea if I’d ever be in another relationship. I hesitantly wrote in a letter, “I have made some decisions that may decrease your chances of existing. I am sorry.” /

At age 23 I met my current partner. He was my age and a breath of fresh air. Not long after, we moved in together. I wanted to make sure I knew all his bad habits before committing for too long. I felt like my time was too precious to waste on another deadbeat relationship. To my surprise it worked out well. /

During the years the subject of children would come up. He knew I wanted children, but he was undecided. We would have conflicts due to the subject. In one of my letters I wrote, “time does not stop, but I still want you. Yet I am in a situation where I am unsure if I will get the chance to try. My time may already be up and I have no idea.” /

My partner told me I should get another opinion regarding my fertility. He knew it was a dark cloud over me. So I saw another doctor and asked him a few questions. He let me know that I should only worry about it if I was trying and not able to conceive. It was kind of relieving, but I still had the words of the other doctor in my head. I wrote, “perhaps there is a chance that it is not too late.” /

My partner finally said yes and at age 27 we began trying. I went off the pill and my cycle was irregular again. I had no idea if and when I would ovulate. After 2 months I still did not have a period and so I researched hormones and what triggers menstruation. I changed my diet and my period came. It was my only period after getting off the pill. In my next cycle I conceived. It only took 4 months of trying to my and my partner’s surprise. All that worry for nearly 10 years seemed pointless. I wrote, “I can’t believe it. I am pregnant with you. But I don’t want to get too excited. It is still early days.” /

The fear of miscarrying dawned on me. I didn’t want anyone to know about my pregnancy. Miscarriages ran in my family. My own mother had 2, her latest at 16 weeks pregnant. I was very cautious with what I ate and did. Now that I was pregnant I did not want to lose it. /

I write this story at 36 weeks pregnant. Baby is healthy and everything is going well. I now write in my letters, “I can’t wait to see what you look like. This is something I can say now, because you are there and I can feel you move. You are real.” /

I hadn’t done a proper treatment for my PCOS in years, yet I was able to conceive. So I hope this story gives a bit of light to other women who may have the same fears. The journal of letters definitely helped me mentally along the way and I am unsure if I would have been able to cope without them.

Posted by Quackers, 6th June 2016

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