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As I sent my oldest off to his first day at kinder, I went back to the day I found out I was pregnant. This guilt I felt over the amount of drinking I had done, moving house and lifting all the heavy things. I remembered seeing and hearing his heartbeat for the first time, feeling the first kick, wondering if I was imagining it. Every ultrasound, watching him grow, proudly showing that he was a boy. The emotions I went through, wondering if I was going to be raising him on my own. Then setting up his room, picking up his car seat, pram and bassinet. Getting his clothes off layby and washing them, holding them against my tummy. Packing and repacking my bag countless times. Then having a light bleed at 37 +5 weeks. My heart sank, but the hospital calmed me down and told me it was a show, so I kept going like normal, cleaning and walking everywhere. The following Wednesday night, I thought I was going through another bought of Braxton hicks so rang my best friend, who told me to jump in the shower when the pain got a lil too much, I think I had 5 showers that night. 3.30 that morning I rang the hospital, I was in labour, contractions were 5 mins apart, but our lasting 15 seconds, told wait it out at home, until they last for 45 seconds or I can’t handle the pain. So I get in the shower again, and I was squeaky clean that day. 5.15 partners alarm goes off, take me to the hospital before you go to work, bub is coming. I got to the hospital fully dilated, but waters hadn’t broken. So waters gotten broken at 7 am, I was holding my baby boy at 8.02am. As I looked in his blue eyes that morning, I saw his future. Now, nearly 5 years later, I looked into those same blue eyes, and that wave of happiness came over me, and my baby boy told me to go, he was fine and he loved me. I held on until I was out the gate before the tears fell, my baby boy is growing up into the handsome, self assured boy I imagined, and he makes me so proud every day.

Posted anonymously, 3rd February 2015

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