Hello!

12 Comments

Well I’m 36 yrs old and my mum treats me I like I’m a kid. I am married with three kids of my own. She wants me to drop everything and do things for her. And she can’t understand I have my own family now. Yes I love her but I can’t drop things just for her when she wants. And then I’m in the bad books she just needs to learn


Posted anonymously, 21st August 2014


Post your story
  • I may be overstepping the boundaries here, and if so, I deeply apologise.

    In my opinion, though… You have a serious issue that must be addressed as soon as possible.

    Unfortunately, if you don’t stand up to her and stand your ground… she will never learn.

    And sadly, perhaps not even then.

    Some people are narcissistic, egomaniacs who think the world revolves around them. That’s not even a negative assessment, merely a psychological one.

    It sounds like your mother may be stuck in an early stage of psychosocial development.

    It could go one of two (many, really, but two main) ways, If you could confront her and say what you feel…

    1) She could realise what you want her to realise, and start letting you live your life.

    2) She will throw a tantrum (possibly of epic proportions), and accuse you of never loving her, never understanding her, not caring enough about her, and basically insist that you either drop everything immediately when she calls, or that you get out of her life…

    If this is the case… You will basically need to make a decision…

    1) Continue on as you are, slowly becoming more resentful and angry, until you finally snap and take her down in a blaze of glory (great big confrontational argument in which you accuse her of never being there for you, not understanding that you’re an adult with your own family and your own life, and basically not being an acceptable mother)… ((Which may be healthy for your psyche, but not so for your relationship)

    2) Break all ties, move away, never speak to her again, and either feel the most free you’ve ever felt in your life, or feel the most guilty, in which case you’d move back and pander to her all over again, thus solving nothing.

    So… The way I see it… You need to make a choice. Personally, I’d start small. Give her a call, or if she’s on Facebook, message her (that way you can edit anything that seems to harsh or cruel, etc), and explain to her how you feel.

    Let her know that you’re an adult, with your own life. That you won’t be able to drop everything to see to her needs, when she’s perfectly capable of doing so herself. Tell her that you love her, and respect her, but that she needs to understand that things cannot always go the way she wants them to.

    If you think she has some form of diminished capacity to look after herself, you could perhaps look into Blue Care Nurses, or the like, in order to offer her some assistance with day to day living. Meals on Wheels is always a good option, too.

    Otherwise, I fear you will continue to go around in circles until you can’t take any more, and you snap remarkably.

    This is of course, merely a theory based on an understanding of human development, and one particular theorist, but it pays to have a bit of knowledge of development, in order to address the issue.

    Have a read of this, and see what you think.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erikson%27s_stages_of_psychosocial_development

    I hope this is a bit of help to you. If nothing else, I hope it shows you that you’re not alone.

    Best of luck.
    xxx

    Reply

  • it is cute that they will always be our mums no matter how old we get!

    Reply

  • Some mothers always will “parent”. My mother is always the first to offer support and a helping hand she I’d almost 89. She still gives advice, wanted or not! Even with grandchildren, when visiting I visited her at my niece and there was mum sweeping floors, had just done a pile of dishes… I could not believe my eyes! So perhaps your mother needs to have a role in your life. Sure it is an imposition to have her needing you so much. Perhaps you can be the one needing her. Change her role in your life. Ask for her help I am sure she will be delighted. Of corse your family come first, just as her family came first when she was raising. When she is no longer around you will miss her dreadfully. Make the most of your relationship now while you can. It seems to me she is lonesome. If she is alone, and have some needs, perhaps you can get her some community support, Agencies such as Blue Care provide home services, will take her shopping and to appointments. It is very useful to have these services so that if she ever does become ill, she won’t be on a waiting list. Perhaps she will resist the idea of having such help but it is providing employment to someone and is not expensive and should she need it, you will know that her needs are met and will not fall onto your shoulders.
    Have set times when you do something special with her. There is so many things she can link into, she may enjoy volunteering, or join a choir. My old mum is a social butterfly, is hardly ever home. It is sad that some live isolated lives, when with a little encouragement, she may be able to fill her time in joyful happiness. Take her to your children’s school events etc. are your children old enough to visit her on their own for some one on one time? It will depend on her personality if she would be open to joining in social activities.

    Reply

  • yeah i can understand that she will always see you as her baby! lol i visit my mum and she is making me and my kids food and fussing about. she will plate it up and everything lol i love her

    Reply

  • Maybe turn the tables and ask her to come over and help you.

    Reply

  • Learn to say no and mean it, you might have to ride out being in her bad books for a while but eventually she’ll just have to get used to not coming first.

    Reply

  • She’s manipulating you through these guilt trips. Its unfair on you.Perhaps she is lonely but she’s got to understand that your children are your priority & you need her put her in her place.

    Reply

  • Wonderful advice from the moms as usual, and I agree.. speak to her and explain you have a family now and can not be in two places at once. Maybe she can come over and help you for a change.

    Reply

  • Maybe you need to sit down and explain to your mum that your finding it really hard to come running everytime she needs you and its starting to effect your family.
    I think until you say no shes going to keep doing it.

    Reply

  • Just tell her your kids are your first priority and if she wants to come and help with them, that would be great

    Reply

  • Is your Mum on her own? She may be lonely, suggest to her that she should join a local art & craft group. Tell her she is welcome to come over & see the grandkids when it is suitable for you.

    Reply

  • That’s true, she does. Do you have other siblings who could help explain this to her?

    Reply

Post a comment
Like Facebook page

LIKE MoM on Facebook

Please enter your comment below
Would you like to include a photo?
No picture uploaded yet.
Please wait to see your image preview here before hitting the submit button.
Your MoM account


Lost your password?

Enter your email and a password below to post your comment and join MoM:

↥ Back to top

Thanks For Your Star Rating!

Would you like to add a written rating or just a star rating?

Write A Rating Just A Star Rating
Join