My father passed away 2 1/2 years ago, I still have times when I forget he is gone and dial his old number, only to hear “this number has been disconnected, please check the number and dial again.” Sending me into a deep spiraling depression. That’s right, the bowel cancer got him in the end.
Its hard to remember at times, as even though we knew it was coming, the family was all scattered, It had been 6 years since dad and mum moved to QLD, and my sister went to the USA, leaving me the only member of my family in Vic (everyone else is in the UK, my parents emigrated here). Dad HAD previously been in remission, but when it came back, it had metastasized and due to his age, and other health issues, the fact this time, it was inoperable. He fought, and stayed positive mind you, that a cure would be found in time for him.
Being in another state, made it a very difficult time for me, as I was dealing with the knowledge I would soon loose my dad to cancer, alone. My mother and I had never had a good relationship, we always clashed, it was hard for us to be in the same room, so we never were. As we knew it would come, no matter how many times he said “They will find it”, it had been agreed that when it was time, I would fly up to say one last goodbye. I had a bag packed with a few essentials, ready and waiting in case I got told be at the airport for this flight.
I got woken up at 7.30 am, one morning, it was my mother, she was calling to tell me it was time, not time for me to come up, that time had passed, it was time to say goodbye. She put the phone up to his ear, and like a person who is naive, I waited to hear his voice, mum spoke again, “did you say goodbye?” “no I waited to hear his voice first” her reply was “he cant talk, just say goodbye”. I cried, I know some words spilled from my mouth, but what I said as a goodbye, I cannot remember very clearly, I can remember begging him to stay, and saying I love you repeatedly, but nothing more.
I thought I was going to have one last kiss, one last hug, one last I love you, and be able to hear dad say the same back to me, but I got silence on the end of the phone. It rips me apart still today, how things transcribed. I know what I am feeling is extreemly selfish, and I should be happy that my father is no longer in pain, but I miss him, and everything about him.
Since his passing, I am now the only member of my family that lives in Australia, and struggle with the fact that the family members that care for me live in the UK not the USA. I was informed after dad passed I was not wanted at the service, as they both knew I would not be able to handle that he is gone, and did not want to see me. So I stayed here in Vic, pining for a man that to me, will always be a legend. A survivor as a child of WW2, when he and his friends, went savaging for scrap metal to sell to get extra rations, only to watch as his best mate got blown up by a live bomb he’d picked up, my dad had chunks in him where you could put a closed fist due to his shrapnel wounds. A survivor of a Quadruple Bypass, and to bring start to bring this to a close a survivor of MY childhood!
I still crave for closure, I am not sure if I will ever get it though. No mater what I do, I cant get those one last’s, that is just not possible. I have great memories of him though, and I clutch to them tightly. He is always close to my heart and in my thoughts. (hence why I try and call him from time to time)
Love you and miss you so much My Wizard of Oz, and always will.
Posted by catgrrl3, 10th October 2013
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