Are you poisoned by your relationship expectations?

Are you poisoned by your relationship expectations? I propose that most relationship problems are created by unrealistic expectations… read on to find out more from a relationship coach.

Let me list few common expectations for our spouse, partner, lover:

We are supposed to share the home workload, equally.
He should show up on time for the social events I’ve organised.
We should have sex four times a week.
She should treat me with more respect.
He should make wiser financial decisions.
She should invite my parents over more often.
He should spend more time with kids.
She should stop being lazy and go back to work.
He should be more ambitious and earn more money.
We should have a nicer house.
He should take me out for a romantic dinner.
She should sort out her emotional issues.
He/She should get fit and lose weight.
She shouldn’t criticise and boss me around all the time.
He should stop treating me like his servant.

The list can go on, and on and on. Does it do you any good to have a long list of expectations of your partner? What they should, shouldn’t, must always, must never do, say, feel, think…

I propose that most relationship problems are created by unrealistic expectations. If you are anything like I was four years ago, you are at a boiling right now.

Perhaps you are saying “Ivetta give me a break, what is so unrealistic about expecting to share the home workload equally or spending more time with kids, or having more sex, or inviting my mum over more often?”

To these questions I say there is nothing wrong with these expectations, but they won’t necessarily make you HAPPY. Sometimes you have to choose what is more important to you. You can be right or you can be loved.

Stop trapping your partner, looking for them to make a mistake. Criticising, belittling, and finger pointing, “I knew you would screw it up.” If you expect the worse you will get the worse, people live up or down to our expectations.

Have you ever gone to a traditional marriage therapist?

I know I’ve been to few. They taught me how to communicate my expectations, feelings and needs in a more constructive way. This is an important skill. However, better communication skills without love, empathy and gratitude will make one a better fighter, not a better lover. A sharper knife can only cut deeper. One can also get lots of significance from using “communication skills” according to therapist rules. “Now I am expressing myself assertively according to therapist rules. You can’t blame me anymore, you have to accept me.”

Last week I saw a client who told me few years ago they saw a marriage counsellor over an “in-law” situation. Essentially, the husband wanted his parents to come over every other weekend and the wife thought it was too much. This was grounds for frequent arguments. The therapist pointed out to the wife that this is not an unreasonable expectation and that she should comply. A few years later, after therapy, the in-law issue is still unresolved for this couple.

What would be my recommendation?

For the husband…

I would suggest the husband to drop this expectation and stop “beating” his wife up with things like “you don’t love and respect my parents.” He should accept “What is”. Express his love and gratitude for his wife every time she does invite her in-laws over for dinner. Stop counting his losses (every time his parents were not invited) and start count his blessings. (I have a kind and wonderful wife who adores me.) ). Every time his parents do come for a visit he should, in front of his wife, tell them how wonderful his wife is, what a great mother she is and that he loves her so much.

For the wife…

I would encourage the wife to be kinder and more loving to her husband. Your husband is the most important person in your life, treat him like he is the MOST person in your life, with love, empathy and compassion. You love him so learn to meet his needs in ways that are meaningful to HIM, not convenient to you. Why? Because you are a loving and giving person who want to shower her husband with unlimited joy. If you could give your children a gift of joy, love and significance I am sure you wouldn’t hesitate. Why treat your spouse differently? If your husband wants his parents over more often, do it because you love him and want to bring him joy. Don’t do it because you feel obliged or cornered, these feelings will only breed more resentment that will poison your soul.

When two people operate from a place of love, respect, compassion and friendship they will work out a solution acceptable for both of them, without compromising their relationship, love or commitment to each other.

“Trade your expectation for appreciation and the world changes instantly.” -Anthony Robbins

To create more appreciation within your relationship consider writing your spouse or partner a love letter. In it tell them how much you appreciate them, how much you love and respect them. Tell them how grateful you are for having them in your life. Tell them what a caring, loving and dedicating parent they are. Praise, love, complement and adore your spouse. Don’t spare your love or attention. Make them feel special, they deserve it.

If you need help with creating more peace, love and passion in your relationship contact me and I will guide you to create a relationship that you envision.

Live with passion!

120 Comments

- - snoopy said
  - 15 Oct 2013
    10:45 am
Not something we have ever had a problem with in our relationship, it is just the way we both are and we never criticize each other about things.

- - catgrrl3 said
  - 12 Oct 2013
    9:52 am
have been extra careful since reading this

- - catgrrl3 said
  - 09 Oct 2013
    1:33 pm
thanks for the read read, will make sure I am not putting too much expectation on hubby now

- - omgjag31 said
  - 12 Sep 2013
    6:29 am
I have to say I am at fault I this. And I don’t want to pose a fantastic man because of it
- omgjag31 replied
  
  30 Sep 2013 , 9:55 pm
  Lose ( sorry auto correct on my phone)
- - sanjipanj said
  - 07 Sep 2013
    9:30 pm
Such a great article. I feel so much love from my man, he shows me every day. We hold hands whenever we are out, it would feel weird not too. He is my best friend as well. & I am completely myself around him. I think I however, need to show him more love. Sometimes we lose sight of what’s important & take our loved ones for granted.

- - rdb5116 said
  - 06 Sep 2013
    9:55 pm
This was a great read. My husband and I are both in our second marriage so want to learn all we can to make this one work

- - jaymarie12 said
  - 25 Aug 2013
    5:00 pm
I have learnt that if I expect little from my hubby I dont get as annoyed when he is a pain
- earthlydelites replied
  
  27 Aug 2013 , 2:24 pm
  low expectations are a good way to be impressed when something goes right I find!
  - tahlia w replied
    
    30 Aug 2013 , 11:30 pm
    
    hahaha. love it! geeze they can sook sometimes!
- - carriet said
  - 22 Aug 2013
    6:11 am
Great article thanks for the advice.

- - missangela said
  - 19 Aug 2013
    7:54 pm
Never expect anything in a relationship. Give as much as you can. And never take each other for granted.
- snoopy replied
  
  31 Oct 2013 , 2:06 pm
  Exactly, you never know how much time you will have together
- - bonmaree123 said
  - 07 Aug 2013
    2:44 pm
Too true. Good way of looking at it

- - lynzstevo said
  - 07 Aug 2013
    10:29 am
no expectations = no disappointments 😉
- sallty replied
  
  17 Aug 2013 , 8:03 am
  Haha so true! There’s a few areas of my life I do this with 😉
  - hopefullyheidi replied
    
    21 Aug 2013 , 12:47 am
    
    Yes I tend to agree.
- - kymaree said
  - 06 Aug 2013
    8:53 pm
Great positive advice, thanks for the article.

- - rachkap said
  - 06 Aug 2013
    3:54 am
Great advice – certainly gives us something to think about. Thanks
- meros replied
  
  11 Aug 2013 , 11:16 pm
  You don’t think of it like that in the heat of the moment
- - jodiem17 said
  - 05 Aug 2013
    8:12 pm
This is a great article, I have found that I use a lot of should haves or should dos in my life- but didn’t realise I was applying it to my husband too, thanks

- - ella12 said
  - 05 Aug 2013
    2:39 pm
I’m sure most couples ask themselves these questions.

- - micko10 said
  - 05 Aug 2013
    1:22 pm
great read. i think we all get like this at times when tired frustrated and overloaded

- - rogue said
  - 05 Aug 2013
    1:15 pm
thanks for the article. I love and appreciate my hubby, who does about 80% of the housework and cooking. But the fact that he quite frequently sides with his parents (or his boss) over our family really does get to me. I can see how it would require more patience, but I am just grateful for such a great hubby.
- haldem337 replied
  
  13 Aug 2013 , 11:12 pm
  I hope that you eventually get on the same page. My husband and I were in the same situation, which constantly put strain on our relationship, but now we are in the same page and it is smooth sailing in that department!
- - scipia said
  - 04 Aug 2013
    8:25 pm
Thanks for an interesting article, I sometimes get frustrated that hubby hasn’t done as much around the house as I would like him to, but we respect each other and it gets sorted without any animosity.

- - mexico84 said
  - 04 Aug 2013
    8:01 pm
Interesting article, I am guilty of this sometimes.
- rachkap replied
  
  06 Aug 2013 , 3:54 am
  I think we all are – we are only human after all!
- - lynzstevo said
  - 04 Aug 2013
    1:57 pm
Very interesting read. I don’t really have any expectations, but I do like hubby to help out with the housework where he can and be a good father to his children. I think its important to just respect each other and nurture your relationship, and talk about problems as they arise.