Hello!

Join Login

Article Are your children addicted to praise?

By

72 Comment

If you’re like me, then you feel joy and pride in watching your child grow, learn and achieve in life. Loving parents are their children’s biggest “cheer leaders”.

With young children you often hear parents say “great job” or “well done” and as their children become tweens and teens you might witness parents saying “I’m so proud of you”.

When I was growing up – it was SO different.

My father never gave me praise, in fact he did the opposite he often criticised me, based on the belief that I might get “a big head” or get “too big for my boots” if he said good things. What was it like when you were growing up? Did you get praise or put downs?

Here is a short video of a presentation I gave at a parenting conference on how to support good self esteem and self confidence in kids.

Parents are often generous in their praise telling their children how wonderful they are and how well they have done on the various activities they’ve completed. But is this a good way to parent?

While positive reinforcement and praise helps children feel valued and important, if parents aren’t careful it can also have a negative impact on children by getting them used to only looking outside of themselves for praise, feedback and ultimately self worth.

“self-worth comes from within not from outside”

Do you find your children are constantly looking to others for praise or recognition for the things they do? And if so, are you worried about it?

A few years ago I became concerned about our son becoming a “praise junkie” when he turned to me one day and said “Mummy do you love this?” as he held up his masterpiece with pride?

Until that day, it seemed right to simply be supportive and positive about anything Cameron did – even if he drew a single line with a black pencil I’d exclaim with joy “that’s wonderful honey!” Does this sound familiar?

That day, I reflected and something just didn’t feel right about me praising him for his work all the time. So I followed my gut feeling and started to do some research into praise and external validation. My gut feelings were right, my research revealed that continually praising a child’s achievements conditions them to being solely reliant externally for validation and self worth.
If your child constantly looks to others like parents, teachers, siblings or friends for approval and praise, this puts them in a vulnerable position. Vulnerable as your child has no control over how others will feel or respond to their work or respond to them as a person.

Children need to develop a balance between evaluating and accepting themselves – internal validation and getting some feedback from outside themselves – external validation.

How can you support your child to self evaluate and build self-esteem?

You can support your children to build a healthy sense of self and good self-esteem by encouraging them to self-evaluate their work first. For example if your child asks “do you like this?” You can reply with something like:
“thanks for asking my opinion, but before I give it, how about you tell me how you feel about it? OR “before I answer, I’d love to know if you like it?” OR “if you enjoy doing it?”, OR “if you could do it again what might you do differently to improve it?”

I generally find that after I have encouraged our son Cameron consider his work first, by focussing his attention on how much he enjoyed doing it and thinking about other things he could do … he generally isn’t interested in my opinion at all! Too funny! The key for me is that I have helped him look internally for validation rather than relying on me telling him he’s done “a great job”.
Having said that, it is also good for children to be open to other people’s ideas and feedback – but not as a reflection of their self worth. Helping children to be open to a teacher’s feedback and their parents support are wonderful skills for them to learn and develop. However, if after your children have answered all of the questions you posed to help them look inside themselves for feedback and validation of their work and they still ask for your opinion; then you can give it.

“Praise your child’s efforts rather than their outcomes”

You can also comment on and praise your child’s efforts or actions rather than their outcomes. For example you could say:
“I saw how long you worked on your picture/homework/building. Staying focussed and working on something for a long time is a good skill to have when you want to get things done.”

I hope this simple activity helps you to support your children to become aware of the:

  1. dangers of only looking externally for praise and recognition.
  2. many benefits of starting with an internal focus for self validation, self appraisal and building self esteem
  3. importance of referring internally first when evaluating and validating oneself or one’s achievements and balancing this with referring externally as needed or for further information.

The key is to remember that teaching children important life skills like self assessment and self validation takes time – so it is about continual reinforcement that creates good results.

I know it works, just yesterday Cameron and I were doing craft together making origami lady beetles and finishing them off by sticking some little sparkling gems stones on their backs. Cameron said something along these lines:
“Mum, your lady beetle is beautiful. Do you like mine? I know it’s most important that I like my work, but I want to know what you think.” I responded “Yes, it’s been fun and relaxing doing lady beetles with you. I think our lady beetles look great together. Do you want to make another one?” Cameron suggested we make an elephant instead!

I felt so good inside knowing that Cameron is on the road to learning how to look inside himself and feel the personal joy of his own achievements rather than focusing on whether someone else likes them or not!

Share this

Comments

  • Thanks ,we do praise our kids if they been good ,most time they are but if they been very good we praise them .

    Reply

  • I also got more criticism than praise, not good for the self-esteem

    • Criticism can be so soul destroying if we let it get to us. I teach my son not to take on mean comments and criticism from others by responding “just becasue you say it doesn’t make it true and to know in his heart it is not true! thanks for your comment

    Reply

  • Interesting and very informative article and video, thank you for sharing. But in saying all this I do find it is a fine line to cross.

    • I agree it is a fine line … we need to help children learn how to self assess and self validate and at the same time help them to receive feedback and praise effectively… parenting is fun!

    Reply

  • They are definitely not addicted to praise but they are addicted to those reached IPads and computers.

    • So true… I am researching the harm of too much screen time at the moment and will write a post over the next few weeks… keep a look out for it if you are interested

    Reply

  • I always praise my kids and grandkids, and they are level headed and know they only get it when it is warranted

    • Thanks for your comments. Wonderful to hear they are “level headed” what a wonderful character trait which will serve them in life.

    Reply

  • I wasnt praised byy my father and unfortunately hv developed sm psychological problems due to this. i praise my children as things seem harder anyway nowadays nd lets face it…they need all the help they can get in todays reality.

    • I am sorry you had a hard time growing up – me too. Have you had a chance to watch the video … it might help you to know others have been through it too and how I managed to come out the other side

    Reply

  • I praise, I critise, I displine and I love.

    • You are right! mum’s roles are many and varied… nurse, nutritionist, psychologist, teacher and life coach … but as you said most of all keeping our children LOVED as well as making time to have fun together

    Reply

  • i think self worth can from inside as well as outside. its bit of a blend of both and yes i totally agree that effort should be praised more than outcome. great read thanks

    • Nicely said – it is about a balanced approach. It is so nice to be praised and its self affirming to feel good about our achivements, but its not nice if we are ‘dependent’ on prasie to feel good about ourselves. Thanks for your comments … wonderful!

    Reply

  • Well that video messed up my mascara…lol

    Reply

  • What a great article! I find myself continually praising my son but will try to change the way i do it in the future

    Reply

  • thanks for sharing with us

    Reply

  • This is a fine line we dance on.

    Reply

  • When I’m with my grandchildren I seem to do a running commentary which let’s them know what I am noticing eg “I saw you wait till the little girl was out of the way and then you kicked the ball” or “what is that pushing about?” or I comment about them as if I’m not aware that they can hear me, eg “Pa, did you hear R… Introduce me to her teacher so nicely?”. I do encourage them like you do, to think about their own assessment of what they have done, but also let them know that I won’t be sitting down to watch a performance of a song or dance that hasn’t been rehearsed and I won’t enjoy looking at a card or picture that has been hastily scribbled. I ask them if their performance is ready, or if their card is ready then sit down with obvious anticipation and it’s usually worth the wait. Then I clap and show my enjoyment and they are very pleased with themselves. We also rehearse giving a compliment to others and it has to be true and said well. If they are coming over I always say I can’t wait to see them and they run to the door all excited when I visit them, dragging me in to show me things and letting me know they are working on something. I love it!

    • Thanks for sharing all of those fabulous ideas – very helpful. Each of them reinforces valuable personal qualities and life skills. Your grandchildren are very lucky to have you.

    Reply

  • Like anything, too much of something makes it less valuable and not as meaningful. Praise for effort is definitely better than for outcome, and children generally know when praise is genuine too.

    • I love how you pointed out that children know if our praise is genuine – that is so true – if they sense we are not genuine they won’t believe or trust us… thanks for the great reminder to be authentic

    Reply

  • thank you for your article a good read

    Reply

  • his is a very interesting topic and everyone brings their child[ children]up in their own way. Kids know when praise is genuine and when it is not! I agree with praising their achievements rather than their outcomes. If there is more than 1 child in the family never compare one whose achievements are better than the one who is not. I always remember my darling mum telling me when she was at secondary school in particular her mum always used to say to her” Why cant you get brilliant marks like your sister? ” Mum said to me it made her stop trying to get good marks at school. As it turned out my mum was the high achiever in the end and became an accountant and fully qualified estate agent and auctioneer as well as a professional patternmaker and dressmaker and she was the best mum in the world!

    • What a powerful story. Thanks for sharing it. I was 1 of 4 kids and we were always being compred to other kids who were “better behaved” or di “better at school”… heartbreaking. Everyone has the right to be loved for themselves. So inspiring to hear your mum’s story and how much you admire and love her. I hope my son feels that way about me

    Reply

  • An interesting and important read

    Reply

  • Good idea to praise efforts instead of outcome. I suppose, like everything, praise should be given in moderation. Thank you for the article!

    Reply

  • achieve balance with critism and praise… Don’t overdo any of them

    Reply

  • I always praise my kids and grandkids, and they are level headed and know they only get it when it is warranted

    Reply
Post a comment

To post a review/comment please join us or login so we can allocate your points.

Join Login

↥ Back to top

Thanks For Your Star Rating!

Would you like to add a written rating or just a star rating?

Write A Rating Just A Star Rating
Join