Crouching father, hidden feminist

Over a decade ago now my husband, then boyfriend, gave me the most stunning pair of sapphire and diamond earrings. They were a classic, timeless design. If you’ve seen Princess Diana’s sapphire and diamond ring, it’s set much in the same way although of course perhaps not the same proportion.

This was my go to piece of jewellery. No matter what the occasion, these were what I chose to wear.

I pictured one day having a daughter and the excitement and delight her little heart would feel every time she got to wear them.

One day they would be hers and she would remember all the stories that I repeated over and over again to her right throughout her life and maybe one day she might even have a daughter of her own that she could pass them down to, along with all my fond memories as well as memories of her own.

This piece of jewellery was going to be a family heirloom. I had decided this before even marrying the man that had given them to me nor having any children.

You can only imagine how excited I was many, many years later to find out that I was pregnant with a baby girl!

I had two boys by then and I felt ready to see what differences there would be, if any, with raising a daughter.

After she was born I knew there was a specific time frame which is recommended for having one’s babies’ ears pierced. I knew it wasn’t one of those things which had to be done immediately and so I waited.

Soon relatives began asking about when I was planning on piercing my daughter’s ears and my response was always the same “As soon as I get a chance to sit down with my husband and decide on where to take her to have her ears pierced”.

It wasn’t until my husband’s mother asked us that my husband’s innermost intentions were made very clear.

“We will not be piercing our daughter’s ears”

This came as a shock to everyone that heard him.

Culturally it is the norm for my husband’s side of the family. You have a daughter, you have her ears pierced. It’s that simple.

Not for him though.

I waited a while before bringing the subject up with my husband again. I thought that perhaps he was having a bad day and besides I needed to build a case against him as to why I needed our daughter’s ears pierced.

“Regarding the earings… Are you worried about how much the piercing is going to hurt her? Because apparently the younger the child is, the less it hurts and when they’re just a baby as far as I’ve been told, they don’t feel a thing”… “Are you concerned about the qualifications of the person performing the piercing?”… “Do you know why it’s important to get her ears pierced” were the questions I bombarded my husband with.

“I don’t want her ears pierced” he said.

This was utterly ridiculous to me! I was furious. “But my ears are pierced” I tried to explain.

This didn’t alter his perspective in the slightest. The fact that my parents let me talk them into getting my ears pierced when I was four somehow only concreted his theories.

To my husband, his daughter was born perfect and there was nothing which we needed to do to her to alter or enhance her appearance.

Piercing his daughter’s ears meant I would be disfiguring his perfect child and he was just so passionate with his reasoning that none of my arguments seemed valid… And so I didn’t push.

“If you don’t like earrings, then why did you buy me earrings on different occasions?” I asked him.

“It was entirely your decision to pierce your ears, not mine. Can you recall a time when I have ever complimented your jewellery? I compliment you, because you are beautiful. I buy you jewellery because that is what you request. But I tell you how beautiful you are when you aren’t wearing any of it. Why didn’t you bring this up with either of our boys? You never suggested piercing their ears.” My husband won his case against me with those words.

I have never heard him say “Those earrings/outfit/accessories make you look beautiful”, I have only ever heard him say “You are beautiful”.

A sense of confidence, pride and self worth is what he wants for our children. He wants them to know they are loved and valued for who they are, not what they accessorise themselves with. And I have no desire to stand in his way.

The destiny of my earrings is now very uncertain. What I am sure of is that this story will be passed down with them. And throughout the following generations our family will know what a beautiful man my husband is.

Perhaps somewhere down the line someone will decide to pierce their ears just to give my sapphire and diamond earrings a new home. It might even be two of my sons who decide to divide the pair.

Whoever it is, I hope they know they are beautiful and loved even without them.

What do you think about ear piercing? Please share in the comments below.

21 Comments

- - meedee said
  - 22 Jul 2021
    10:33 am
Wow….she sure got a keeper in that guy.

- - mom94125 said
  - 07 Sep 2016
    7:27 pm
what a great guy lol. also up to the parents and children to decide when they pierce

- - ella12 said
  - 26 Jul 2016
    11:05 am
I think about 9 or 10 is a good age but it is just personal preference really.

- - rovermum said
  - 25 Jul 2016
    12:00 pm
I had my ears pierced in Grade 1 (approx. age 5). I don’t remember much about it but have been an earring wearer ever since. My ears are the only piercings I have and I wear earrings every day. I have long thick hear so to me they’re part of my look. When I forget to put some earrings in, I feel naked. However, I understand everyone’s right to pierce or not to pierce their child’s ears. Kids can make the decision when they’re old enough.

- - mom101628 said
  - 21 Jul 2016
    9:59 pm
My daughters were teenagers when they decided to have their ears pierced, although normally my ex’s family would have had it done when they were babies. I guess because I didn’t have my ears pierced, they allowed my daughters to decide for themselves.
On my 40th birthday, my 21 year old son gave me a present but wouldn’t let me open it until he had driven me to a chemist who pierced ears, paid for something [my ear piercing] and then said open the box in which were the most exquisite opal earrings.
Could not have had a better present from him.
- mom101628 replied
  
  21 Jul 2016 , 10:00 pm
  This father has to be commended for his outlook and I hope his daughter always remembers that she is beautiful without adornment, just as to him is her mother.
- - mom134803 said
  - 11 Jul 2016
    12:55 pm
I like this dads opinion and attitude about this.
My girls got their ears pierced at age 6 because they really wanted it and we were ok with that.
- mom134803 replied
  
  22 Jul 2016 , 7:41 am
  I totally agree that inner beauty is so much more important. For that reason I chose to quit make-up.
- - mom93821 said
  - 09 Jul 2016
    7:28 pm
Children should be able to decide when they become teenagers and can make a choice and care for their ears – if they want to have pierced ears.

- - mom70876 said
  - 05 Jul 2016
    2:16 pm
Excellent article. I LOVE how headstrong this husband is, and how he views the world for his daughter. Or course SHE should be the one to pierce her ears. I love that she will grow up only knowing inner beauty thanks to this wonderful man! Cudos to you sir!

- - june11 said
  - 01 Jul 2016
    4:26 pm
Something I never did or wanted to.
Some have allergies to the metal of earrings and give up wearing them and their holes close over. Some can only wear stainless steel ones.

- - curlytops said
  - 01 Jul 2016
    9:39 am
You could make them into a ring or necklace pendant?
- mom93821 replied
  
  10 Jul 2016 , 5:29 am
  Always a good way to modify jewellery.
- - BellaB said
  - 25 Jun 2016
    8:16 pm
I definitely think it should be something a girl decides for herself – as a teenager.

- - mom19782016 said
  - 25 Jun 2016
    4:15 pm
I like his philosophy, babies are born perfect and we don’t need to enhance their beauty in anyway. It is a nice sentiment to remember as we get older. You can always pass your earrings down to your daughter, even if her ears remain unpierced, and she can still remember all your lovely memories about them. Perhaps when she is older she will pierce her ears otherwise, you could always have them refashioned into a necklace.

- - mom112217 said
  - 25 Jun 2016
    8:13 am
My ears are pierced and that’s what my friends did when l was a teenager.My parent’s were happy for me to do it!

- - mom67623 said
  - 23 Jun 2016
    7:47 am
found this very touching and his pride in his child is wonderful to hear, she is perfect in everyway to him is very very clear. Her choices when she grows will be hers to make but at this stage she is under such loving protection, I loved to read it. never thought of this before but it makes sense to me now

- - mom90758 said
  - 22 Jun 2016
    6:29 pm
Personally I didn’t want my daughter’s ears pierced. I have them just because my mother wanted it for me when I was a child. But I don’t use any earrings anymore. I think it’s a choice that a child has to make himself when he grows up.
I think your husband is super sweet! 🙂

- - mom160421 said
  - 22 Jun 2016
    11:53 am
My ears were pierced when I was a baby and I am okay with it. My daughter is now a teenager and does not want her ears pierced, and I am okay with that. I will still give her my earrings when I am gone, and it will be up to her to decide what to do with them. Your story is meaningful in this day and age because I see so many young people piercing and tattooing themselves and for me personally I think they look better without all the accessories.

- - mom71820 said
  - 22 Jun 2016
    11:45 am
What a lovely man. My ears are pierced, but it was my decision as a teen & so it will be my daughters, when & if she wants to.

- - mum4107 said
  - 22 Jun 2016
    5:51 am
My ears are pierced. I have no intentions of getting my daughter’s ears pierced until she wants to get it done