Don’t feed the bad stuff

Tantrums. Screaming. Destroying. Yelling. Swearing. Hitting. Whinging. Meltdowns.

Do I have your attention? You bet I do. Because all that bad stuff really does grab our attention, doesn’t it? We notice the bad stuff our children do straight away and it is hard not to pay more and more attention to it. It is so tempting to react, to look, to talk a lot, to give in, to threaten, to begin to yell ourselves.

“You know how some places have signs like, ‘Don’t feed the animals’? I think parenting should have a big, bold sign reading, ‘Don’t feed the bad stuff’.”

Because, the thing is, children love to have their parents’ undivided attention, even if that’s negative attention. All that reacting, looking, talking, giving in, threatening, yelling ourselves: it feeds the bad stuff. It makes those behaviours more likely to occur again.

So what can you do?

Don’t feed the bad stuff with your attention. Sometimes you will need to respond to your child’s behaviour in some way, for example, by separating your children, or removing an object at the centre of the behaviour, or reminding your child what is expected. Respond calmly and with minimum fuss. At other times you can simply ignore your child’s bad behaviour.

Feed the good stuff-

Ensure that your child receives plenty of positive attention for all of those good behaviours. Is there something positive your child can do, in that same situation? Well then, make sure you feed that behaviour with attention and praise. You need to create an environment in which positive behaviour works for your child. You child will learn that, by acting in a positive manner, their needs will be met.

Be realistic-

For younger children the good behaviours are not perfect, but they are better than the bad behaviours so feed them for now. You can help your child perfect them later on. For example, talking about how you feel, even in a whingey voice, is a definite improvement on having a tantrum. Remember children will experience difficult feelings and they need to have ways to express and manage those feelings that we, as their parents, respond to.

With time (and it does take time) the good stuff will grow and all of those bad behaviours, the tantrums, the yelling and the meltdowns, will become a distant memory.

58 Comments

- - Happymum-2 said
  - 16 May 2014
    7:13 pm
I try to ignore the bad stuff and always praise the good

- - hopefullyheidi said
  - 14 May 2014
    10:42 pm
What a great positive article on how to tackle this parenting issue.

- - lou3 said
  - 13 May 2014
    1:29 pm
Nice advice

- - BellaB said
  - 12 May 2014
    11:24 pm
Every night I remind my son of all the good things he’s done that day. It’s a nice note to send him to bed on.

- - megsy99 said
  - 12 May 2014
    2:17 pm
I’ve always known the good old saying “pick your battles” but this puts more perspective on the subject. A very interesting read

- - christial said
  - 11 May 2014
    9:29 pm
I’m working hard at not yelling back at a whinging child at the moment!

- - coppin85 said
  - 11 May 2014
    6:23 pm
I never thought of it like this before

- - rachaelchara said
  - 11 May 2014
    2:20 pm
Interesting read with some good thoughtful advice.

- - alioop said
  - 10 May 2014
    2:13 pm
Thank you for the great advice – sometimes it is very difficult to know whether ignoring a bad behavior is better than disciplining for it.
- koa whittingham replied
  
  11 May 2014 , 8:42 am
  If ‘discipline’ means teaching your child, gradually shaping their behaviour over time, then ignoring the bad IS discipline.
- - Mellypenny said
  - 10 May 2014
    1:27 am
I have heard this before and have tried being more patient with my son. Trying to put myself in his shoes and see why he is acting the way he is

- - mom57522 said
  - 09 May 2014
    5:19 pm
If the kids are misbehaving they get sent to their rooms until they’re ready to behave.

- - sarah_wardleworth said
  - 08 May 2014
    10:35 pm
Couldn’t agree more with this!! Good read thank you for the information

- - kjgarner said
  - 08 May 2014
    10:41 am
Feed the good/positive stuff, I have to remember not to yell to get on top of their yelling, just to talk…

- - scottie said
  - 08 May 2014
    8:55 am
so easy to fall into feeding the bad stuff

- - arcticwynta said
  - 08 May 2014
    1:14 am
alot of parents don’t do that bad of a job with bad foods for their kids. we have a huge lolly container and I mean huge as it’s Grandads and the kids can have some if they want but they don’t really bother with it and very rarely they may take 1 but that’s it as it has not been made the forbidden badie as most things in our house but we do not have alot of junk either

- - amal80 said
  - 07 May 2014
    11:31 pm
I believe in this 100% but when you are home with 3 kids you are busy doing things and it is incredibly hard to actually notice the good stuff, thanks for the reminder, will try to make more of an effort to do this again

- - tamandimmy said
  - 07 May 2014
    4:10 pm
So what’s the best answer for kids losing it in the shopping centres because they didn’t get what they wanted?
- koa whittingham replied
  
  11 May 2014 , 8:47 am
  Depends a bit on the age of the child. But in general, begin by understanding their emotion, “You’d really like to have that toy right now, huh? I understand that but we can’t today”. Then, ignore the tantrum. It may help to say something like, “We can’t have that today and I’m not going to talk about it anymore. When you are ready to talk about something else I’ll talk again.” If they are little you may be able to pick them up and just move on to the next shop. The moment they do something positive reward that with your attention and with that behaviour working for them.
- - cherz said
  - 07 May 2014
    2:20 pm
Interesting article and yes I do agree but sometimes when children crack so do the parents, so as parents/adults we must take a step back, turn and walk the other way.
- koa whittingham replied
  
  11 May 2014 , 8:48 am
  Very true!
- - mom58117 said
  - 07 May 2014
    11:17 am
Does anyone else have an angel child until a certain age and suddenly over night they become little terrors and never go back to being a complete angel again?? :-p

- - mel1 said
  - 07 May 2014
    10:22 am
Good advice here. I had one bad tantrum experience while shopping with my then 2 yo. She started a full blown tantrum out of no where and had never done it before. Being my second child, I wasn’t too shocked. I simply said to her that I was going now and I started to walk away. she kept it up for a couple more seconds then just followed me and it was over. Luckily she never did it again. I often wonder if I had reacted or given in, would it have become a repeat performance next shopping trip.