Don’t feed the bad stuff

Tantrums. Screaming. Destroying. Yelling. Swearing. Hitting. Whinging. Meltdowns.

Do I have your attention? You bet I do. Because all that bad stuff really does grab our attention, doesn’t it? We notice the bad stuff our children do straight away and it is hard not to pay more and more attention to it. It is so tempting to react, to look, to talk a lot, to give in, to threaten, to begin to yell ourselves.

“You know how some places have signs like, ‘Don’t feed the animals’? I think parenting should have a big, bold sign reading, ‘Don’t feed the bad stuff’.”

Because, the thing is, children love to have their parents’ undivided attention, even if that’s negative attention. All that reacting, looking, talking, giving in, threatening, yelling ourselves: it feeds the bad stuff. It makes those behaviours more likely to occur again.

So what can you do?

Don’t feed the bad stuff with your attention. Sometimes you will need to respond to your child’s behaviour in some way, for example, by separating your children, or removing an object at the centre of the behaviour, or reminding your child what is expected. Respond calmly and with minimum fuss. At other times you can simply ignore your child’s bad behaviour.

Feed the good stuff-

Ensure that your child receives plenty of positive attention for all of those good behaviours. Is there something positive your child can do, in that same situation? Well then, make sure you feed that behaviour with attention and praise. You need to create an environment in which positive behaviour works for your child. You child will learn that, by acting in a positive manner, their needs will be met.

Be realistic-

For younger children the good behaviours are not perfect, but they are better than the bad behaviours so feed them for now. You can help your child perfect them later on. For example, talking about how you feel, even in a whingey voice, is a definite improvement on having a tantrum. Remember children will experience difficult feelings and they need to have ways to express and manage those feelings that we, as their parents, respond to.

With time (and it does take time) the good stuff will grow and all of those bad behaviours, the tantrums, the yelling and the meltdowns, will become a distant memory.

58 Comments

- - meedee said
  - 06 May 2014
    10:18 pm
I dont know why but my kids just didnt throw tantrums….some how i suspect its a genetic thing…I didnt throw tantrums and neither did my brother….. *shrugs* If they had thrown tantrums then it wouldnt have worked with me anyway and they all knew that when i said something i meant it.

We all have our different ways of dealing with our children. My neighbours are raising 3 boys and I notice that whenever their kids are crying or throwing a tantrum that their parents mimic them. Im not sure thats the best way as if someone was doing that to me when i was upset it would just make me more angry but I guess it works for them.

- - queenofspeed said
  - 06 May 2014
    9:06 pm
What a great read. I remind hubby of this often

- - della said
  - 06 May 2014
    9:06 pm
Good read but hard to inforce sometimes.

- - Mrs Bucket (that's pronounced Bouquet) said
  - 06 May 2014
    4:18 pm
I recall a mother from our playgroup who, when her two year old threw a full blown tantrum, stomping feet, throwing himself on the floor reacted the same way, she did what he did and the boy was so shocked at his mothers behaviour he stopped. Thinking back I wonder if she’d do the same thing in a shopping centre.

You’re right of course, reward the good, be calm and put measures in place to respond to the bad.

- - meimei said
  - 06 May 2014
    2:43 pm
So true from this article – need to encourage kids to be positif manner.

- - sweetbell said
  - 06 May 2014
    2:38 pm
Great article and I can relate so much to this because my kids push me everyday to breaking point with their bad behavior and sometimes I miss to praise them for their good behavior but being a mum is really hard at times but thanks for all these great suggestions.

- - mouse said
  - 06 May 2014
    2:22 pm
I couldn’t agree more with this post, I tend to ignore the bad stuff when I can and always praise the good

- - mikiajai said
  - 06 May 2014
    2:05 pm
I find my kids push me to breaking point at times and you tend to focus more on what they are doing wrong but we are practicing positive praising instead to see if that makes a difference in their attitude, it has helped before for my eldest so back to it with the middle child now, they all get on so well but bicker over silly things.

- - zenbart said
  - 06 May 2014
    1:55 pm
That is so true. Sometimes it so easy to react and grasp the situation at hand. Most of the time I just walked out of my boys vision so I can’t say anything that can trigger a further discussion. My children are very much into debating and asking the 5W’s and if I decided to decline from it, it doesn’t mean I loose it. It only proved to them I’m more diplomatic..

- - no1ladydj said
  - 06 May 2014
    12:45 pm
At the risk of having people say I’m wrong, bad behaviour from children is similar in so many ways to that from a dog. It’s all about getting attention. Yes, there are times when you can’t totally ignore the tantrum or bahaviour, but if you can, they will soon learn that they will get your attention only by acceptable behaviour. No-one said that it would be easy, but if have the patience to work through the initial hard times, it will be well worth it in the end.

- - rustyblue said
  - 06 May 2014
    11:43 am
Kids will push your buttons, and if you give in to them all the time, to stop bad behaviour (eg. I WANT a lolly, then whinge whinge whinge until they get it) they will learn quite quickly that their bad behaviour gets results ! Yelling also only sends mixed messages – hmm, its okay for Mum (or Dad) to yell, but not me ?

- - lilpig01 said
  - 06 May 2014
    11:18 am
so true.. I am quick to pay attention to negative behaviour and while I do praise positive behaviour I dont priase him enough.

- - yyon4699 said
  - 06 May 2014
    10:27 am
so true!! i have to make a sign that says that..lol

- - curlytops said
  - 06 May 2014
    10:00 am
what a beautiful photo of the baby deer.

- - tammykilby said
  - 06 May 2014
    6:31 am
These are great tips I was just saying to my husband the other day that all I do is yell at the kids.. This had reassured me that I’m doing this all wrong thank you for your blog I will be now trying my hardest to nit yell at my kids as much..