No I dont think you are being too harsh but it would be interesting to know whats going on for him.
You say that your partner is not his Dad. Have you been together long? Perhaps he doesnt like your partner and feels trapped because he has to live with him.
Perhaps hes being picked on at school, etc
Its hard if he wont talk to you.

My daughter is still young so I haven’t been through the teenage years yet. I feel for you and hope you are able to find something that works. Have you considered whether it is worth taking him to see someone that he can perhaps talk too or get an assessment done?

It sounds like your son may be neurodivergent. Those aren’t normal behaviours for a child. Your son may need to see a child psychologist. I don’t think your punishments are unreasonable at all. However, you may need to come up with other methods if he is on the spectrum. I’ve got a 13yr old with asperger’s and I’m hearing you!

As a parent of teens I feel your pain. You mentioned the smashing things when he loses his games and I’ve got to say we went through this with our son and saw signs of gaming addiction… grumpy all the time etc we had a sit down chat with him about how he feels about gaming and he admitted to wanting to play all the time and feeling grumpy when he wasn’t playing. He’s been restricting himself now and he’s a lot happier… it’s worth looking into. If it’s not that, don’t stress, it’s not a forever thing and they definitely need rules and boundaries

Two thing need to teach your kids 1. Is respect in every situation and actions have consequences KIDSrespect some one who stays firm believe it or not be fair not vindictive.

I think you’re being entirely fair in putting consequences in place for uncivilised behaviour. Good on you, stay strong on that. In terms of communication, is there a third party you could bring in, like a school counsellor? Sometimes you need someone who’s kinda objective to help break a cycle or open kids up.

I remember being this age and being a terror, too. You might have to find a different way to approach a conversation. It sounds like he doesn’t want to entertain a discussion. Can you try giving him a different responsibility, and telling him if he works on it the reward will be getting his license. I can understand the urgency, you need to feel like he will listen and be receptive while learning to drive.

Aw bless that sounds hard. More than anything I found it helpful to emphasize with them and try to see things from their point of view. This means active listening when their share something and really show interest in their personality, thoughts, opinion and well being. To get their respect it’s very important we respect them too. Personally we believe more in positive affirmation & discipline rather than a punitive approach. Also pick your battles; dirty dishes in his room will sit him in his way on a certain point, they’re not in your way. Choice is important too; rather than giving him a house hold task you could ask him which house hold task he would want to do