Wow I’m so grateful for your comments. Above all, it’s nice to hear others’ experiences and some strategies. I’ll definitely try some of them. We are seeing a psychologist next month and I’m hopeful this will shift something.

So far it sounds like you are doing your best in a tough situation, so please take that as praise for what you have achieved so far. As a parent of neurodivergent children who are all very close in age, the screaming, non-verbalisation and, probably worst of all, having an upset child that you would love to soothe but don’t understand what is wrong, is hard. As another person replied, all children, no matter what their ‘disabilities’ or abilities, are different. I simply tried everything with each one of them until I found the ‘thing’ that worked best. For my daughter with moderate to severe autism, who screamed constantly outside of the house, I found that ‘hiding’ her away in the back of the front and back 2-seater pram with the cover pulled down worked best. It meant propping the still very young baby up in the front seat without having the back to lay her down in, but it worked. As my daughter with autism got too big for the baby section of the pram, I had to find other ways of keeping her from screaming and crying when out and about. One thing that worked well was giving her something that she liked doing while I pushed her around. As she loved to ‘lick’ everything away she was eating (instead of chewing – even biscuits), lollipops were good and, to sate her need to do things repetitively, books and books of stickers and pads of blank pages worked wonders. If you get the sticker books that have the shiny pages that allow stickers to be removed and placed into another sticker book, you have an eternal supply of pulling and sticking on offer!! As she got older still, I was able to make ‘deals’ with her. For example, she would happily follow me around the shop to do grocery shopping as long as, before checking out, she was allowed to go down the toy aisle to the pile of coloured, glittery hats. I would then have to wait while she placed her hands on the top hat, looked at the glitter that ended up on her hands, put that hat to the side, do the same thing with the next hat, and so on, until she had been through the whole pile of hats. It did mean, though, that I wouldn’t be able to get frozens until after the hat play, depending on how many hats were there. As my daughter became older still, I started making shopping interesting for her by giving her easy, small tasks that had meaning to her. For example, kitty needs more food, can you please help me keep an eye out for cat food for her? Once, my daughter was a ‘pony’ for several months, so I had to ask the pony (who was wearing pretend reigns) if she would help me look and then pretend to use the imaginary reigns for her to ‘giddy up’ to start looking! It may sound silly, and I’m sure it looked silly to some people, but I didn’t care. It made my daughter happy, so it made me happy too. Kids grow up so fast, so I also relished having a chance to be required to ‘play’ with her. So often we let our obligations eat into the small amount of time we could be spending with our children making them happy by playing with them and, in doing so, we also miss their opportunities to learn and develop through play. Things were a little harder with my son because he was just on the autism spectrum but also had ADHD. For him, I had to up the excitement and the amount of thinking required! I didn’t just get him to help me find the cat food; I gave him tasks that included counting and reading. Nothing easy would keep this boy entertained! At home, he loved playing on the computer but was only kept entertained by strategy games, especially Age of Empires. He was kept happy and he was learning! By the age of 3, he could count to 100, knew the letters of the alphabet and could write his name, even though he was non-verbal. (If you’re wondering how I know he knew his numbers and the alphabet when he couldn’t speak, I had boards with the alphabet and the number chart from 1 to 100 and would ask him to point out randomly called letters and numbers, which he would get correct with 100% accuracy.) For my daughter, who didn’t really scream at home, but would make a constant and annoying hum every minute of every day, we had to employ distraction to cut the habit. It was hard because, we’d distract her and, as soon as she was no longer distracted, the noise would start up again. My youngest child saved the day here. As a baby (right from being a newborn), my youngest absolutely hated the noise my daughter was making. So, every time my daughter started making the humming/droning noise, my youngest started screaming. This would make my daughter stop to look at my youngest and wonder what the baby’s problem was and to try and help. Of course, when the noised stopped, my baby stopped crying only to start up again when the noise started up again. I can’t fully explain it, but that type of distraction definitely worked, and within around 6 months, my daughter had stopped making the noise. Probably the only caution I will add is that anyone with any type of neurodivergence, no matter what age, will usually need some type of safety net. It may be an action, a task, an activity, or even the act of hiding away, but it will be something the person will need to do in order to relax and be themselves for a while. Spending most of the day trying to be the type of child or person others expect us to be takes a lot of physical and mental effort and causes a lot of stress. As long as the safety net is something that is safe, make sure they get to spend time doing whatever it is, especially if you want to avoid full-time melt downs.

Firstly, I would like to offer my sympathy. My child does not generally behave like this where noise is involved, but I can only imagine how very difficult it would be. With other difficult behaviours, it’s largely been around patiently repeating that it’s not acceptable, and why, and trying to model better behaviours.

I work with special needs children and can tell you that each and everyone of them is totally different. What works with one wont work with another. Often its just a matter of stumbling upon something that works with your kiddy.
Never blame yourself and dont allow anyone else to blame you either.

Not sure what breed of spicy you have, but we have a son with ADHD, meaning he can be prone to angry episodes. When he is having a meltdown, I find it is best to send him to his room to have a think. There are no screens in there and it is a calming space with his books and some basic toys. He can come out when he has cooled down. I also find that too much screen time can lead to more anger and frustration, so watch out for that and if you are feeling too overwhelmed, make sure you seek help from a professional.

We’ve created a visual with calming strategies that work with our child and hung it up in the dining play area. So when she gets upset or overwhelmed we walk her to the visual and let her chose an option and at school they do the same. I’ve also purchased the Magical Belt with the 4 books, we read the books regularly and encourage our child to use the tools. We also engage both with Psychology and Occupational Therapy. I remind our other children often that when little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it’s is our job to share our calm and not to join the chaos.

We’re in the same boat. It’s so hard and frustrating. Everyday we feel like we’re walking on eggshells, not knowing when the explosive behaviour will come.
The screaming is really triggering.
We’ve just started seeing a psychologist for our child and had an initial parent session, so hopefully it’ll help us to help our child. I know she doesn’t want to scream but she does not know any other way to express the frustration. Hopefully, working with the psychologist will help her figure out new ways to regulate her emotions. Most days, no amount of consoling will help, and we just have to sit and be there with her until it runs its course. Some days, we try to distract her, and sometimes it works.
I’ve resorted to buying Loops to dull some of the screaming because it’s really ear piercing and triggering for me too.

Mum guilt is terrible isn’t it?! I feel constantly stressed out by the screaming and behaviours too. You’re doing the best you can, so I hope you also find strategies to look after yourself.