Grace and gratitude – learning to receive

I am lucky to have a very cute 3 years old daughter. She gets lots of compliments in the playground from other parents saying how beautiful she is. To improve her social skills I gently teach her to look at the person who gave her the complement, smile and say thank you as a token of her appreciation.

What I really want to discuss with you today is how you can receive more gifts and help from your husband. Receiving sounds simple but many women have hard time accepting gifts. Learning to receive gifts with grace and sincerity will give your husband the satisfaction of making you happy and make your life easier.

Here is a story of a lady that recently consulted with me. Gorgeous Sandra lives with her husband and two beautiful primary school age kids in a lovely house in Sydney’s lower north shore. Sandra works part time as a marketing professional and looks after the kids and the house. Sandra is overwhelmed with the amount of chores she has to juggle, often feels exhausted and unhappy. Her husband Tom is a busy executive. Sandra complains that Tom never helps her with anything related to the kids or the house and cringes at her smallest requests. Needless to say Sandra feels resentful towards her husband for not helping enough and doesn’t feel very close to him. In addition she complained: “He NEVER gives me any gifts!”

I won’t bother you with all the details of our conversation and instead will bring you right to the point of today’s topic….

During our conversation Sandra and I have discovered that Tom brought her a cute T shirt from his latest trip to NZ and sometimes takes the kids to the beach on the weekend so she can get a break (of course she uses this time to clean the house). Obviously Sandra didn’t even notice these gifts because she DIDN’T ASK for them or thought she should be getting SOMETHING ELSE.

There are a few reasons why you might struggle with receiving presents, help or simple tokens of kindness:

Sometimes you forget that you are simply awesome and unconsciously feel you DON’T deserve the gift. You might feel obliged to reciprocate and that makes you feel uncomfortable to receive.
You parents taught you to be MODEST, and as many of us you struggle to receive compliments. Husband says to his wife: “You look so relaxed and beautiful today…” wife replies: “No, this is just my makeup. I am very tired because I worked very hard all day”.
Receiving makes you feel vulnerable as you are caught by surprise and not in control of the situation. You didn’t tell your hubby what to do; how to do it; or what specifically you wanted from him. My lady, you probably decided long time ago that vulnerability means weakness and this is so NOT who you are. Feeling vulnerable is really uncomfortable to you.
You were raised FEMINIST. You are totally independent and fully capable of taking care of everything on your own. Receiving a gift or a help is a threat to your core value of independence. You might be perceived as incompetent. Ouch!

Coming back to Sandra… Sandra admitted (to me) that she really needs help with kids and the household. She doesn’t want to feel resentful towards Tom and rather have more fun with him. She realised that in order to teach her husband to help more and encourage him to surprise her (with special night out, massage, or a piece of jewellery) she should be open to receiving from him with GRACE and GRATITUDE.

We worked out the following plan.

GRATITUDE:

She will make a list of all the positive things Tom does, including making good money, playing with kids, bringing her water, ordering take away…Every time he does something that resembles help (even if she doesn’t like the way he completed the chore) or a present (even if she doesn’t really like it) she will:

GRACE:

Look him in the eyes.
Smile.
Say “Thank you.” (add nothing else unless you sound really enthusiastic and excited).

For my advanced clients I add the following instruction:

Give him a passionate kiss.

Learn to receive with “Grace and Gratitude”. Remember the 3 steps and you can even advance to step #4. Gratitude is the antidote for unhappiness and resentment. Bringing gratitude into your heart on a daily basis will make you feel fulfilled and abundant.

As for today’s homework (if you choose to take the HAPPY RECEIVER challenge…):

I invite you to make a list of all the presents, positive gestures and help your husband offered you in the last 3 months. Making the list will bring the events to your immediate memory and will help you notice his daily contribution to you. Acknowledging your husband for his help will compel him to deliver to you even more because he will feel successful in making you happy.

Thank you, as always, for reading.

150 Comments

- - broke said
  - 18 Apr 2013
    5:24 pm
This is lovely advise and i could take some tips from it aswell. My husband is lovely with is spontanious gifts sometime which I love and I let him know that. Unfortunantly that is as far as it goes he does not do house work cook dinner clean or any other house chore he is a farmer and if he is inside it is to sit in front of the tv.

- - curlytops said
  - 18 Apr 2013
    4:59 pm
Fengari thanks for your comment! I was so excited he got me something and it was not christmas or my birthday! But then disappointed!

- - kafer said
  - 18 Apr 2013
    6:14 am
Thank you for a thought provoking article. Shows how we can ruin those around us through our thoughtlessness.

- - rachkap said
  - 18 Apr 2013
    3:35 am
This article sure made me stop and think for a while about how lucky I am and grateful. Life is too precious but sometimes I wish my husband would stop and think for a while too!

- - meros said
  - 17 Apr 2013
    10:31 pm
I can admit to being ungrateful. The both of us work but for a long time I felt as Though I was foing everything. It can get tough at times when you have to cook a meal straight after work without a rest and continue with the kids homework, bathing, playing abd reading.

- - fallon84_2008 said
  - 17 Apr 2013
    9:54 pm
Wow, sooo very true. My goal this year was to so more gratitude. But it really makes you think a lil closer to home. Hubby’s do do a lot, sometimes we’re to busy to realise. My goal now revised, thank hubby more for the things he does.

- - riss_whatever said
  - 17 Apr 2013
    8:41 pm
What a great article. Sometimes it’s hard coz its not that you’re ungracious or want to appear ungracious but that you’re embarrassed that someone took the time to think of you and to buy you a gift.

- - tc_burcu_genc_ilhan said
  - 17 Apr 2013
    8:19 pm
this article is touched me. still i m learning english. so i cant write too long what i can felt .

- - kikidaz12 said
  - 17 Apr 2013
    8:03 pm
My fiancé works really hard to bring in good money (and its physical labour) and I too get cranky when he doesn’t seem to help me. But you are right the small things he does or you mean a lot. I had trouble with replacing the foxtel box and was I tears about it, he had just come back from another twelve hour shift and got out of bed to help me. I can’t express how grateful I was for something he fixed InLess than five minutes. Sometimes you need to take a step back and make sure you do appreciate what is done for you. 🙂

Thank you fr the reminder, it is hard to be graceful and grateful

- - fengari said
  - 17 Apr 2013
    7:53 pm
Oh Curlytops, what a shame!

- - moocowmel said
  - 17 Apr 2013
    5:59 pm
My husband has worked very hard to train me to accept help and gifts 🙂 often when I’m upset that’s we forgot something at the shops he’ll offer to to get it but I feel bad because it puts him out and I wouldn’t want to go back myself. He reminds me that he wants to do it to help me and makes me say yes! I try hard not to reject the nice things he says as well. This is a really important article, I don’t think these things are talked about enough!

- - curlytops said
  - 17 Apr 2013
    5:44 pm
My husband gave me a gift recently which was some hand cream which was macadamia oil and something. I am allergic to nuts. I hardly ever get gifts from him but this was so disappointing.

- - delta30 said
  - 17 Apr 2013
    5:37 pm
it made me think that i don’t say thank you as much as i should to my husband, need to rethink that and start been more graceful.

- - missliss89 said
  - 17 Apr 2013
    3:23 pm
This article really stands out to me and I don’t like being given gifts usually but some days I just feel like I do so much with the kids the house and I work, even some road side flowers would be nice.
I get spoilt for vday and mothers day but I rarely get the odd surprise home and I think it’s because I don’t know how to react!
So thank you’. I am going to put the plan to action and see how it goes!

- - maureen3 said
  - 17 Apr 2013
    2:56 pm
receive the gifts with a thank you , one has to appreciate the thought that it was given with care

- - katelt said
  - 17 Apr 2013
    2:34 pm
My motto has been since I was about 12 -“Whatever life throws at you, smile and accept with grace”
I have always thought it during bad times, but never thought about it during the good times. I hate receiving compliments and gifts, they make me uncomfortable, so maybe I should use this motto then!

- - andrea240 said
  - 17 Apr 2013
    2:00 pm
I am very thankful and my husband knows it when he buys me gifts even little ones like picking up my fav. dark chcolate lindt dark sea salt :)! However I am not as grateful when he helps out around the house or with the kids and need to make an effort to do so.

- - mich000 said
  - 17 Apr 2013
    1:32 pm
I am so grateful for everything my husband has been doing he works so hard and yes sometimes I don’t show it as much as I should or say thank you more.. I guess the little things in life really do make a difference

- - redsage said
  - 17 Apr 2013
    1:24 pm
My husband is great with gifts of time, energy and even from the shops, but mostly I’m grateful because when I need him, he’s there. And he’s my emotional even keel. A lot of women I find are happy to complain about what their husbands don’t do, but don’t let them do anything if it’s not to their schedule. It’s hard (especially with kids) to let go and be grateful for the small things, but sometimes it’s worth the short term pain so that your partner / husband can be a long term asset.

I think about it like my work – if I don’t train someone else, how will I ever move forward?

- - neenee said
  - 17 Apr 2013
    1:07 pm
Thank you for a timely article. Just the other day I gave a compliment to someone and it was declined. It did make me recoil as my intention was to be complimentary. Have to admit I found myself floundering to explain how sincere I was. We Aussies seem to naturally pull ourselves down, which we shouldn’t do.