'I Want My Parents Help With My Newborn, But Don't Want Them Staying With Me'

Those first few weeks after giving birth are often a blur of feeding, extreme exhaustion and complete chaos, so getting help from friends and family isn’t unusual.

But what this expecting mum is asking her parents to do has the internet up in arms. The 24-year-old mum-to-be has asked her mum and dad to come and help her adjust to life with a newborn for the first few weeks after the birth, but she doesn’t want them staying with her. And that’s not even the worst part.

The expecting mum lives in the same town she grew up in with her fiancé Dan. Her parents had her later in life, and she says she has a great relationship with them. They’ve now retired to a beach town some distance away from where their daughter lives.

“When they moved out, they sold me the house I grew up in well below market value, in exchange for me hosting them when they needed/wanted to come into town,” the expecting mum explained on reddit.

“It’s been like that for two years, they’ve been here a bunch of times for 3-4 days at a time, and it’s been a good arrangement I think.”

‘My mum was a little offended, saying that she wasn’t going to bother us and she was going to help out.’

But that all changed recently, when she asked her parents to come and support her for a while after she gives birth in December.

“Yesterday, I was talking to my mum about the birth and I brought up that I would like her to be in town when I give birth and to stay for a few weeks after. Dan has no relationship with his family and I’m an only child, with only a couple of very elderly aunts and a few cousins I don’t have much of a relationship with, so we don’t really have much in terms of a support system.

“Therefore, I’d love for my parents to come here and help around the house, with the baby, offer me the emotional support I know I’m going to need, etc. My mum was excited that I was asking her to do this and said that she’d be okay with staying with us for a few weeks while we adjusted to the baby.

“I then told her that I didn’t mean her staying with us, just in town, as I believe Dan and I are going to need and want alone time to adjust to the baby. My mum was a little offended, saying that she wasn’t going to bother us and she was going to help out, but I told her it was nothing personal, I just preferred if she got a hotel or AirBnB or something.

“My father then intervened, having been somewhere within earshot, and said that accomodation was going to be really expensive around that time of the year (our town has a very famous, very big Christmas market) and he wasn’t about to spend thousands of dollars when I was asking them to come AND it had been our agreement when they sold me the house that they could stay whenever they wanted.

“Which, like, fair, but I don’t think that having a newborn at home is just a regular time in someone’s life and it’s not like I ever complained about them coming over before. I just don’t want them in the house, but I do want them in town, and I feel a little sad that they are putting money above me and their grandson.

“My mother hung up the call trying to appease the situation, but then sent me a text saying that her and my dad were a little upset over the whole thing and that they thought I wasn’t being reasonable. When Dan got home, I told him all this and he kind of sided with them, saying that they should be allowed to stay with us. But I still don’t think it makes sense, as we are going to be needing our alone time. Was I the a**hole here?”

What are your thoughts? Let us know in the comments below.

44 Comments

- - meedee said
  - 08 Oct 2024
    12:32 pm
Firstly … you got a very cheap house because you agreed that they could come and stay when they wanted. But now because it doesnt suit you you are backing out of the agreement. Perhaps you need to pay them the differance in what you paid and what was market value.

- - Zmijka86 said
  - 08 Jan 2023
    8:55 pm
I think they should sit down and talk about that situation

- - rovermum said
  - 07 Sep 2022
    11:35 am
I do think you are being unreasonable. You have asked everything of them whilst offering nothing in return. From what I can read between the lines, they will happily come and help you, stay in your home, but not be intrusive. I think you’ve caused some real damage here.
- Ellen replied
  
  10 Sep 2022 , 6:16 am
  Yes, I can imagine this is rather hurtful to the parents
- - Ellen said
  - 07 Sep 2022
    7:49 am
I do understand that you may not want to have your parents there 24/7, but think that you should offer to pay their accommodation if you ask them to stay around for weeks to help you

- - mom485263 said
  - 05 Sep 2022
    8:38 pm
I understanding wanting help but asking her parents to stay elsewhere (and pay) for weeks seems a bit much.

- - sharna_booth_weinrowski said
  - 05 Sep 2022
    7:38 am
This is the time in your life yu need to speak up

- - mom265671 said
  - 04 Sep 2022
    10:55 pm
I understand she wants her space to adjust as being new parents. But then to request that of her mum to go out of her way and fork out more money to be there was something they should have more openly spoke about. That was a big ask of her and a little selfish

- - Jessica said
  - 04 Sep 2022
    7:02 pm
That sounds super entitled! Sounds like she wants free help that is going to cost her parents and only she benefits
- Ellen replied
  
  05 Sep 2022 , 7:45 am
  Yes I agree with you
  - mom468034 replied
    
    05 Sep 2022 , 12:33 pm
    
    I agree with you. She wants her cake and eat it….
- - mom160270 said
  - 04 Sep 2022
    1:58 pm
How stupid and selfish is this woman? I hope it’s just her hormones that are making her an awful daughter at the moment.

- - tessie said
  - 04 Sep 2022
    12:40 pm
She is definitely behaving like a spoilt brat. If she wants her parents to help with the adjustment of having a newborn in the home then she should have them staying in the house. Otherwise, since they would only be there because she wants them to help her, she can book them into a nice hotel and pay for it herself. Even her fiance agrees that she’s being unreasonable. Hopefully it’s coming from nerves and hormones and she’ll do the right thing by them.

- - mom486197 said
  - 04 Sep 2022
    11:54 am
I think they should have sat down and discussed face to face and talked it through rather than on the phone. Maybe they could have come up with a plan that suited everyone. It’s a bit rude wanting the help but expecting them to stay somewhere else for the entire time.
- mom93821 replied
  
  05 Sep 2022 , 5:24 am
  Exactly my thoughts too. Face to face conversations are initially harder but they seem to achieve better outcomes. Communication can and often does go astray via telephone and electronic devices. Looking someone in the eye brings an honesty to communication.
- - Amanda Holland said
  - 04 Sep 2022
    11:07 am
I think that if they are willing to give up their time to come help with the baby, as she has requested, the last she could do is allow them to stay. The grandparents don’t have to be at the house the whole time. But also, I understand that she wants her mum there for support but why ask for help but also say they need binding/alone time

- - mom93821 said
  - 04 Sep 2022
    8:01 am
A sit down conversation with all parties face to face is the best way for respectful and open communication. The issue is best sorted before it gets out of hand.

- - mom459320 said
  - 03 Sep 2022
    6:46 pm
How could you say this to your Mom! I wish she is with me all the time around my children and living with me! No one is like mom. She is a blessing

- - mom93624 said
  - 03 Sep 2022
    3:32 pm
You are very blessed to have parents willing to help, don’t abuse the them this way, if you need alone time you can ask them to have a night out. You will both still bond with your new baby. It would be wonderful to have grandparents that want to be active in your baby’s life.

- - KellyB said
  - 03 Sep 2022
    1:15 pm
I understand that she may want to have some alone time, but given she has asked for assistance and her parents don’t live in town I think it is reasonable that they thought they would be staying with them.
If she doesn’t want them to then she may be able to pay for their accommodation elsewhere. Or maybe they can stay with them, but have a conversation about getting some time to themselves each day.
Hopefully they can come up with a solution

- - Danicastefanie said
  - 03 Sep 2022
    11:54 am
Definitely need the balance of help, and alone time with family. And it will work out.
Gosh when our first baby was born we lived with our inlaws so it was 24/7 and way too much. I didn’t get alone time with my family. Now we have more children and our own house, the grandparents still help out alot but they go home

- - mom489365 said
  - 03 Sep 2022
    11:13 am
Yea having help would be great, but having time alone is great as well. If she’s invited them to help her out the least she can do is pay for them to be in an air bnb near by if she doesn’t want them in her own house.

- - lizzyg said
  - 03 Sep 2022
    10:42 am
Definately an ungrateful entitled action. Want help but expect them to pay accommodation costs to help you when you have an agreement for accommodation in place. If I was your parents I would refuse to help. And I would be asking for the agreement in writing since you have proved they don’t matter to you.

- - mom79779 said
  - 03 Sep 2022
    10:20 am
Wow, when I had my babies there was no asking for help from parents, it was up to us as the new parents to be the parents and care for the baby! New parents these days (some not all) have it so much easier what with help and everything given to them from baby showers etc. Baby showers were unheard of way back then lol Most would never have managed like us older mums did. BTW yes u are the AHOLE….imagine if ur bub grew up and treated u like u are treating ur parents now….how would that make u feel???