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Article My children just won’t listen to me!

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Following are some tips to help you when your children just won’t listen to your instructions

1. Give your instructions simply
To get children to tune into what you have to say we need to follow the advice of successful advertisers. You’ve only got a few seconds – say the headline only. Coca-Cola doesn’t say, we think you’ll like Coca-Cola, it is black and fizzy, it was developed by scientists in Germany for medicinal purposes etc. etc. They say: Coca-Cola is the best drink, buy it now! When a child is misbehaving you’re lucky to get their attention at all, so don’t push it by trying to explain WHY they have to change what they are doing. They won’t be listening. You will be wasting oxygen and words.

Teaching, or filling in the ‘why’ is for later when everyone is calm and not misbehaving.

2. Give instructions once only
Giving instructions once, is about being assertive and in charge, repeating yourself actually puts the child in charge. It tells them that you have got nothing else but to keep repeating yourself.

3. Give instructions clearly
Giving the instruction clearly is about telling the child what you want them to do. We often tell children what we don’t want them to do, which is too abstract for a child who is misbehaving. Children change their behaviour more easily through replacement not erasure. It is too much to expect them to just stop behaviour without giving them something to replace it with. E.g. Instead of, “Stop running in the house!!” say, “Sam, walk in the house. Thank-you.”
Remember: Say thank-you at the end of the instruction, not please or ‘O.K?’  Saying thank you is polite and sends the message that you expect it to happen. It stops you from raising your voice at the end, which changes your clear directive into a question.

Children are clever, if you ask them a question – they know they have the right to answer either way!

In my next article I will be sharing some more ideas explaining what to do if you still find yourself repeating your instructions over and over.

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Comments

  • Fantastic article thanks for posting

    Reply

  • This is interesting – unfortunately not helpful for me, as my son’s disability means I need to do things which directly contradict this advice.

    • Hi Bellab, thank-you so much for sharing. You are so right, in families it is never one size fits all. I would love to hear what you do with your son.
      Warm Regards,
      Meg

    Reply

  • This wonderfully helpful article is being archived. Thank you.

    Reply

  • This is doing my head in with my 2 boys, they wont listen and just dont care

    Reply

  • We keep it simple. One or two instructions at a time for our 2 yr old and 3-4 for our 4 year old. We also use the manners we expect them to use when communicating with us and others.

    Reply

  • I will definitely be giving point 2 a go in our house – thanks for some simple, effective tools we can use at home

    Reply

  • Great information Thank You 🙂 !

    Reply

  • Going to try changing my pleases to thank yous!

    Reply

  • i will be trying this for now on

    Reply

  • thank you for sharing with us 🙂

    • HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY. I hope you all have a lovely day and that you have been given beautiful gifts and gorgeous cards. Thank-you for all your comments. I really hope that the tips help.
      Meg

    Reply

  • thanks for the advise I will have to try it

    Reply

  • Thanks for these really useful tips

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  • Great tips thanks for sharing your article

    Reply

  • Very interesting. I think this can apply to kids of all ages. I have older kids who still don’t listen lol

    • Thank-you for your comment. Yes I think so too. You just have to use a lower tone of voice with older kids.

    Reply

  • My kids seem to misbehave with sugar in their systems – we’ve just finished the Easter holidays, still have leftovers from the Showbags and my kids are NOT listening. So I will have to employ some of these tactics. I’ll do anything to try to get them to behave a bit better!!!

    • Wow! Your kids either got a truck load of Easter eggs or they are excellent at saving them! Yes, when sugar is in the system the ability to listen definitely goes out the window. I hope you get lots of success using these tips.
      Meg

    Reply

  • I like these ideas. And I’d suggest asking. I sure wouldn’t like hubby saying ‘make me a coffee, thankyou’. You ask. Its more polite and resoectful

    • Hi Queenofspeed, thank-you very much for your comment as you have raised a very interesting point. I absolutely agree that it is more polite to ‘ask’ and say please if you are REALLY asking a question. For instance, if you are asking your child to pass the salt at the dinner table or asking them to bring you a glass of water. However, I strongly believe that we are sending very mixed messages to our children if we ask them a question instead of giving an instruction when we actually expect them to do what we tell them. For example if one of your children’s jobs is to put the bins out, asking them by saying ‘Would you put the bins out now please?’ could very easily generate a ‘no’ response where as saying ‘It’s time to put the bins out now, Thank-you.’ is a definite instruction, is still polite and is just ‘more likely’ to get them to do it. In fact, I actually think it’s impolite to ask a question but expect children to only give us the answer we want. Children feel very safe when they know parents are clear in their messages and in charge. Using instructions means the message is clear and non- negotiable. The more you use and demonstrate the difference between an instruction or directive and a question the better.
      Warm Regards,
      Meg

    Reply

  • I don’t think any kids listen totally to their parents

    • Hi, yes I think that is certainly true. I think it would actually be a huge worry if a child did not ever demonstrate they had a mind of their own. I still think it helps to know what to do in those times though, so we can allow them to develop as individuals but minimise the chaos!
      Warm Regards,
      Meg

    Reply

  • This article actually makes a lot of sense, thank you so much for sharing. And by the way love the thank you at the end and the reason why.

    Reply

  • Here’s a starting point anyway! This is a daily battle here…

    Reply

  • I know this perfectly well! Thanks for the info!

    Reply
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