Hi guys, I really don’t know where to start. Firstly, the story I am going to share is not for sympathy, it is simply for you to know who I am and why I am the way I am:) haha.
I am turning 40 this yr, and have the most beautiful little family, a great and supportive husband and 2 beautiful teenagers (with everything teenagers come with of course;) but really, they are great kids!
They are my life!
Now to the yucky bit for you to understand my reason for posting this story.
My little sister and I were abandoned at a very young age (12ish) and have both grown up only with each other literally. Money would be remotely sent to cover rent and bills etc, but other than that, we were completely on our own.
I truly believe we had lots of little angels sitting on our shoulders because we both continued on with school and I even continued on to university.
Now, we have both built lovely families and are both very passionate about our children! (I guess it’s for obvious reasons). Unfortunately she lives overseas now and we don’t get to see each other often, but of course the love is still there and so is the contact.
However, even though I had such a hard past and have a great present there is a sadness and guilt there which I CANNOT get rid of!!!!!
And that is, I have been working all my life, (I know, as many other mothers and women do) but this story is about me and my feelings. So, I have worked forever. And because I had the kiddies overseas, the law there was to go back to work full time 45 days after your child is born. And honestly guys, there was no way we could survive on one salary and you cant count on government help or anything like that which we are so fortunate to have here in Australia.
Surprisingly, and literally it took me completely by surprise, every time one of my kids turned around 11-12 I just went into a maaajor depression. With help, treatment and support I was able to beat the two big episodes I got and now, I am just managing it and I think Im doing quite well. I think it is quite obvious why the depression came specifically at those two stages, and a huge part of it, was guilt for not being around and working such long hours away from my kiddies. I guess I felt they would feel as lonely as my sister and I did. But of course they don’t because they have both a Mum and a Dad who love them unconditionally and who are there every night to tuck them into bed, but in my mind that guilt just lingers and lingers and lingers….
I guess what I am trying to convey, is, my reason for living has and always will be my children. Even in the darkest moments throughout my depression, my kids were my reason for living. There are two major points I would like to make, for those who may suffer from depression or who may have had a very difficult upbringing. This may not be you but it may be a friend, or someone you know. Firstly, depression can be treated but it does not disappear on its own. You need to allow someone to help you and if it isn’t you going through it, YOU insist and just get there and help that person going through it. It is tough to accept help and it is tough to give it when somebody doesn’t want it, but please don’t give up!
And in regards to having had a difficult upbringing, the story DOES NOT need to repeat itself. Be strong and learn from your experiences, good or bad and be the best version of yourself you can be!!.
As the title of this little story says, I am in a bit of a dilemma, but I am hoping I will find a solution, as I always have for every brick wall I have hit, and please know, I have bumps and bruises galore!!!:)
My dilemma now is still that guilt. I have never really had the chance of being that ‘full time Mum’ not even for a little while (only for those 45days when the kiddies were just born).
One is now going into yr 12 next year and the other one is starting high school next year. And my heart is bleeding because I sooooo want to at least be with them that year which is so special and important for each one of them, BUT and there is always a BUT of course, I am and have always been the main income earner.
As I said before, this is not a story for sympathy, it is a story from one woman and Mum to others but I think at the same time it is a bit of a ‘what do you reckon’ to see what you guys think or if you guys can give me any ideas, tips I don’t know, anything, any advice perhaps? Am I being selfish in still having that sadness cloud my heart sometimes? I know there are heaps and heaps of Mums out there who have it much worse than me and please know I acknowledge that COMPLETELY!, but hey, feelings are real, and these are mine.
And I’ll tell you a little secret, in an ideal world where money just isn’t an issue, or maybe it is not necessarily in an ideal world, but at a different stage of my life, I would looooove to foster children and give them allll the love I have to give, because I do have heaps more to give:), but honestly, I would love with all my heart to be able to provide that comfort, that stability, that happiness and warmth and sense of security and love and family at the end of the day to those children who by no fault of their own are missing all these wonderful qualities a loving, caring person or family can provide:)
Posted by mae1, 12th July 2013
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